We Three
by Cannibal Incorporated
Summary: He is a black stain to their perfection. He is on the inside, but on the outskirts of it. Because two is a unit. And three? Three is extra. All he wants is to disappear. Let them forget a Spring that is already dead.
1. The stain

**We Three**

_I am a sinner._

_Drag me to hell._

…

Namikaze Naruto, an insightful and playful type- who loves easily and trusts a bit too easily-, has many friends. He cherishes them equally, for each bond had been so quickly birthed. But as many things, these bonds need careful and sincere diligence. Naruto cherishes his friendships because he works on them, maintains them, adores them. And he is sure his feelings are returned.

There is an exception however- two exceptions- and they are called Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura. Unlike Naruto's other relationships, the one he has with his two best friends is effortless- seamless. They meshed from the moments they all first met. The elementary *1- perhaps a year before the promotion to the Genin grade level- Sasuke stumbled upon a crying Naruto during recess, scratched up from another round of bullying. It was no secret that Naruto was often the target of animosity, after all. Naruto expected ridicule, mockery from the perpetually grumpy-looking boy when he approached his little hidey-hole underneath the slides of the jungle gym.

"They'll never stop if you don't fight back, you know," Sasuke said instead, crouching down to the blonde's level. Naruto remembers flinching when Sasuke reached out to wipe away a smudge of dirt from his red nose- a bit embarrassing, now that he can reflect on it.

Naruto had tearfully nodded, "But I'm too small to beat all of them."

Sasuke just puffed his chest out arrogantly- a lot more expressive then than he would ever be once he got older- and plopped down in the rocks next to the sniffling Naruto.

"I'll scare them away. If you're always with me, they won't be able to hurt you. They know my daddy is really rich and mean," and then he smacked a kiss to the scratch on Naruto's arm because that was what Sasuke's mom always did for him when he got all cut up. They were inseparable ever since, a constant in each other's lives like no other. Vacations, sword fights, rivalries, petty arguments. They became a power duo of sorts in the beginning of their Genin grades, popular and exciting. It was the first time Sasuke ever had fun; it was the first time Naruto stopped being afraid.

They hadn't met Sakura, the loud and confident and _pink haired_ heartthrob, until their third year as Genin. Naruto always thought what he and Sauske had was incapable of improvement, but Sakura brought a whole different dimension to their crass boyishness. She cooled their tempers with her calm rationale- they were both so short to anger- and leveled out their pig-headedness (Sakura's words). All three were assigned as partners for a science project, and ended up wasting time watching bad horror movies and turned in a paper riddled with text talk and bad language not relating to the assignment at all. Sasuke's first failing grade. But none of them minded, for they discovered that through their unhealthy love of atrocious script and acting, they fit quite well together. Better than quite well.

Perfect, Naruto would say with his silly grin. They fit like a puzzle of one, two, three pieces, and no one would have it any other way.

He would say: we are perfect and beautiful. We are a threesome, a unit- made smooth by years of the practiced synchronization we are so known for. Addressed as "Hey, you three-", "You three had better behave or I'll-", "We're so proud of you three-". They do not know their individual identities- as their personalities and lives are so intricately woven together (_Where do I end, and you begin?_). Where one is, the other two can be found nearby. They have a dynamic- intimacy, even- that leaves outsiders as mere intruders.

They were happy, they had each other, their whole lives ahead for planning and dreaming and dreading. It was precious, and they deluded themselves into thinking it would never change.

But it did. And in the blink of an eye, it not only evolved;

It severed.

Naruto has a perfect understanding of his relationship with Sasuke and Sakura. He is their friend- their brother. But the fact that Sakura is a girl changes everything- and he isn't being sexist; he's just telling the truth.

Sakura is a girl, and as such, prone to lots of complicated romantic feelings. It started their first year as Chounin, and Naruto could recognize the signs because he lived through that part already. He knows how to hide, to lie. And oh- is he a liar.

Sakura fell in love with Sasuke right as she hit puberty and it changed their dynamic completely. She pursued, Sasuke pretended he didn't notice (for his sake? For Naruto's?), and Naruto sat back, finally realizing how this was going to happen. Sakura would spend their last years of grade school as Chounin chasing after Sasuke until he would reluctantly agree to go on a date once. And Sasuke's dad would be so pleased, because Sakura comes from such a nice and respected family, that Sasuke's daddy-complex would act up and get him to be a more active boyfriend. They would be awkward, but Sasuke would stick with it because Sakura is comfortable to him; familiar territory. Because Sasuke is (due to his upbringing) before all of his stoicism, respectable and would take responsibility for the one girl in his life that he actually _likes_ being in the same room as. They would date- smoothly, because Naruto would be there to be the bridge between their communication gaps. They would court, tip-toe around getting serious for a few months. They would make love. They would marry. Sasuke would be happy by making his family proud and siring an heir. Sakura would be happy in achieving her Happily Ever After.

Naruto would help them fulfill their destiny, quietly, calmly. They would go to college together, gaining a Jounin rank, but Sakura would drop out after they got married and move into a two-story house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever named Sparky.

Everyone and their _mothers_ knows this. Naruto knows. His parents know. Sasuke probably even knows. Fate had their plans laid out since before they were born. It is inevitable, and the older he gets, the more apparent it seems to Naruto that he is getting jipped. Because Fate didn't expect Naruto to have feelings too. Somewhere in between the insults (pet names) and the sleepovers, feelings developed, transformed, and got _complicated_. Naruto's skeleton in the closet (Laugh it up, ass wipes. That gay joke was on _purpose_) grew to a bursting point- waiting, waiting, waiting. And it will wait forever- or at least until he can get over it. It is pointless to fight the current. (_Because then there's me. Me- the brother, the best friend. On the inside- but on the outskirts of it. Because two is a unit, a __partnership. Three is extra. Because not everyone can have that happily ever fucking after, right?_)

So when Sakura announces loudly over the phone one Friday night after Homecoming dance that Sasuke finally, _finally_ asked her out on that first date, Naruto doesn't bat an eyelash, his voice easily transmitting his pleased smile to Sakura's waiting ears. She squeals with delight; Naruto hears her familiar giggling, thinking: lucky (_You're so damn lucky_). He cries a thousand "Congratulations!" in an obnoxious voice that he knows is teasing her in all the right ways (Sakura is, bless her, an attention addict). She rattles on and on, and Naruto feels hideous in his desire to hang up on her, to beg her to spare him the details. He can give her advice, can smile encouragingly, but _please please please just stop talking about how you held Sasuke's hand for the first time_. Eventually, she has to go to bed- her parents still have a curfew on her, even if she turned eighteen a month ago- and insists they all get together tomorrow. "Oh, Naruto- we have to come over tomorrow! We can watch that crappy Swedish version of Chucky!" and Naruto just can't say no.

_It was only a matter of time._

_This does not hurt me._

Love, Naruto muses, is not so sweet; not all peaches and roses.

(_My peaches have worms in them, and my roses are way past sun-dried_).

So, just as Sakura promised, the next day arrives with Ssauke and Sakura on Naruto's front doorstep, and he avoids looking either of them in the eye- maybe not a subtle way to deal with his issues, but give him a break. The three of them (_always, always We Three_) find their usual spots on the floor in front of the television in the living room, a bag of sweet flavored popcorn in Sakura's lap. But not before Sakura reenacts the whole ten minutes that lead of Sasuke asking her out.

Naruto looks between the cup of Sprite in his hand (wishing it were something stronger, something that would blow his mind far, _far_ away), the glowing Sakura, a quietly smiling Sasuke, and back to his cup. He can't help but feel a little miserable. (_Who is he kidding?_) There is a second of stillness in which Naruto knows it's his turn to speak- to react-, and the pressure in his gut seems to swell. Then, he is on his feet, the biggest, goofiest grin on his face (because the Namikazes aren't well-known for their amazing smiles for nothing). He swoops Sakura from her place on the floor and into a big hug, spinning her completely off of her feet and around. She shrieks- pretending to be angry- "Put me down this instant, you big idiot!" and after one more spin he does, smelling her shampoo (the same as his own, if that's not too strange for him to admit).

Still laughing- _acting_, acting, acting- Naruto puts the flushed girl back on her feet and turns to Sasuke. It is the hardest thing he will have to do. Their eyes meet, and for a single moment Naruto feels suspended, at a complete loss. He resists the urge to flinch away, like he had the first time Sasuke had touched him all those years ago in the wretched play ground.

"It's about time," he scolds the Uchiha with a smile, taking his cool hand in his own clammy palm for a firm shake, "We were all beginning to wonder where all that intelligence was going. I mean, Sakura's been obsessed with you for _forever_,"

"Hn," Sasuke replies with a smirk- happy, Naruto realizes. Really happy. He looks away and sits back down next to them, afraid of laying bare his ugly thoughts to his friends (his dearest, _loved_ friends). Naruto feels a wave of resentment, and with it, a whole hurricane of guilt- guilt for wanting to take what he knew was set to be hers (Sakura's), guilt for not thinking sweet things about them at all- _guilty, guilty, guilty_. He forces himself to swallow the ache, feeling it scratch and burn its whole way down- to sit and spoil in his stomach, a years-old secret putrefying and turning stagnant. He shouldn't have eaten so much popcorn.

They are all smiling- for no reason other than being all together with this shitty movie-, and really, it is just so hilarious because after so long, the love of Naruto's life has finally hooked up with the girl he always knew he would hook up with. And Naruto is expected to smile with them (_so he does_), be happy for them (_so he is_) because what do they know? What do _any_ of them know? His lips tremble. But the smile stays.

_You're so damn lucky_.

So Naruto spends the rest of the evening pretending (And he is _so_ _good_ at it by now!) not to see how closely Sakura is sitting next to Sasuke on the suddenly ridiculously-too-small floor (thighs practically overlapping), not to notice his arm around her slim shoulders. (They don't hold hands. They don't smile at each other. They don't flirt. They don't blush secretively). (_Who's house were _you_ at? Sasuke and Sakura? _Together_?) No way- it'll always just be- _

_We Three_.

…

"_**The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned," -William Somerset Maugham**_

…

Saturday nights are reserved for dinner at Ichirakus's Diner, (the only diner in the entire city of Konoha) so when the movie ends and Sakura's hair is fixed quickly in Naruto's bathroom, they hop into Sasuke's car- Naruto in the backseat for the first time since it's Sakura's new right to sit beside Sasuke- and Naruto does himself a favor and sits never to a window so he can't see their joined hands on the glove box.

Tammy's Diner is a puny little place, retro and vintage, where the waitresses wear poodle skirts, yellow, frilly aprons, and roller skates. Kiba is already there, animatedly telling Shikamaru and Chouji some story or another. Neji and Hinata arrive a little after Sakura orders for her two boys, as if nothing is different, and Naruto wants to snap at her and the waitress who listens, but he keeps silent because it's all about appearances.

"You guys should have come to see Sucker Punch with us," Kiba said excitedly, "Those chicks were so hot!"

"Weren't they in a mental institute?" Sakura asks with a quirked eyebrow (she and Naruto can both do it- one of the many adopted mannerisms Sasuke has) and a smile.

"Yeah. It's like…," Kiba fights for the right words, "like a sexy addition. Makes them kind of dangerous. I mean, you're crazy but Sasuke still-"

Naruto makes a show of accidentally sliding off Kiba's milkshake off the table and into the brunette's lap before he can finish his death sentence. Kiba shrieks (extremely unmanly) but Naruto just apologizes, laughing. Their friends just shake their heads, used to everything. It's the only bad thing about knowing everyone in town for forever. No more surprises. (No one is surprised that Sasuke and Sakura are together, no one is surprised that Kiba is an idiot). Sakura does a good job of not reacting (she and Kiba never get along for some reason), and Sasuke soothes her by running a thumb over her hand and pulling her under his arm. Naruto thinks he'll be all right, thinks he can eat the fries that the waitress has just delivered, until Sasuke leans over and says something quietly in her ear that makes her giggle. The physical contact isn't unusual- all three of them have always been like that with each other. But it is different now, isn't it?

The blonde watches Sakura whisper something back, sees the flash of a smirk fly across Sasuke's face, and can't force himself to sit still any longer. He excuses himself quickly, makes a dash for the men's restroom. The tiles are a putrid brown color (maybe a nice cream once upon a time) and Naruto doesn't even have to take a breath to know it smells like a sewer. It is clean for the most part, but it doesn't stop the sewage system from backing up. Naruto bypasses the stalls and urinals, places his hands on either side of the sink to star at himself in the broken and crusty mirror. His lips are a little pale, his eyes bloodshot (_It's hard to say sweet dreams when you can't sleep_).

_Why am I making that face?_

He's ashamed of it- the wasted look he has, like all of the life in his skin was crawling out of his pores. Sick of it- of pretending, of the cliché his life has become (a shitty rendition of every _Lifetime_ movie ever), of the constant state of vertigo he's in from the twists happening in his life (in his gut). The water is cold on his face and he hopes it brings color back to his nose. He's always been tan- known for being naturally gold (_Gold, a soft metal, easy to grind into dust_)- but the almost grey look in his mouth haunts him even as he pinches his flesh to flush it with blood. Mirrors are added to his list of danger.

The blonde leaves the familiar bathroom behind, mind made up about his destination. It isn't a hard decision.

They are waiting for him, a coke placed in from of his empty place at the table, and he quickly grabs it and tosses a ten to Sakura to pay her back for ordering for him earlier.

"Sorry guys-" (_Sorry, sorry, sorry_)- Naruto pushes through Sakura's questioned noise she makes in the back of her throat when she disapproves of something, "But I gotta head back. Jiraiya called and said he was sending the carpet cleaners over tomorrow. He said if it wasn't clean, he'd cut my allowance,"

It's the perfect lie at the perfect time because the waitress comes by and says it'll be another five minutes for the food so they can't leave with him, because Naruto is a slob and it's believable that he'd need to clean, because it wards off their worry or curiosity. They don't even spare him a comment though Sakura's eyes follow him out of the door and around the corner, and Naruto love-hates her concern, her sincere friendship.

Everything in Konoha is within walking distance, so even though Naruto doesn't have a car, it isn't much of a problem. The weather hasn't gotten frosty yet, still too early in November for the cold front to settle in the cracks of the city, but it is cool, and Naruto has to pull the neck of his jacket closer when the wind blows in order to avoid the chill. The cold clears his head (a bad thing now, when he's alone and has no reason to be alert), and he grits his teeth, feels the ache. _Don't think_.

Just don't.

He has these rules; guidelines. There are three of them (_like We Three; it isn't an accident_), companions to him since his insight to where to their destinies are leading them. They help him keep his precious friends close and his _sin_ far; skirt the peril. One: Never, ever (ever ever ever ever ever) _ever_ let anyone know. Never let them guess or suspect. Never even let them_ think_. Two: Sasuke and Sakura always, _always_ come first. Their feelings, their concerns, their desires. We Three is priority. It doesn't matter that it hurts. (He's good at pretending it doesn't anyway). And Three: Avoid concern and questioning at all costs (_because it'll only make you weak_). Lie, laugh- or lose, which is absolutelynotanoption. These three rules are Naruto's Way of Life, his yellow-brick road that will lead him to the path of Righteousness (path of Torment).

Naruto smiles to himself, feels his dry lips tear a little, and takes a deep breath of the late evening air. His apartment is a single floor on the fifth story of a complex, with two bedrooms, a bathroom, and kitchen-conjoined-living room. After his parents' deaths, Jiraiya ended up taking him in and got them this little place, though the old man is out of town more often than not- working (if you can call a free-lance writer seeing the world's stock of women _working_) , so Naruto usually has it to himself. It is such a night, and he is left in the silence of his own mind, a bad place to be in the lightest of terms.

The TV is on, volume up so loud he's sure the neighbors can hear Hugh Laurie rattling off some diagnosis in his crass way (_I'm afraid you have a terminal case of Social Phobia__*2__, Mr. Namikaze Naruto. It's spread to your blood. You have a month to live._) Naruto doesn't turn the noise down even after his neighbors bang on the wall that joins their apartments.

He ignores the text from Sakura asking him if he's okay and telling him goodnight, and falls asleep to Dr. House saving the day once again (_Save my day, Doctor_).

…

"_**I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love," -Mother Teresa **_

…

Monday, bright and beautiful, statistically significantly marked as the number one day for self-destruction greets Naruto like any other Monday before it (though self-destruction may possibly be a few notches higher on his list of priorities). He rides with Sasuke and Sakura- keeping those appearances up up up- and hangs with them in the parking lot until the bell rings. He shares first block with them- AP Lit (_"Because we're seniors, Naruto; seniors take advanced placement classes!"_) taught by Sasuke's charming elder brother, Uchiha Itachi, which he has never addressed and _will_ never address him as _sensei_. Something about knowing him all his life makes it impossible to think of the Uchiha as anything other than '_aniki_'.

"Good morning," Itachi greets them, "Today we will discuss syntax and tone. Open your books to page 198, and begin on the…"

His smooth voice- somewhat of a trait in the Uchiha family- slides easily over Naruto, like a warm breeze, and he actually finds himself taking notes for once (anything to not see Sakura doodling hearts all over Sasuke's paper) and enjoys watching Itachi teach. There is something about him, a certain poise, that makes Naruto inwardly smile. He knows this stance and these mannerisms, having his entire 18 years of life that he spent watching it. Fugaku and Sasuke have the same posture, but on Itachi, it is graceful (whereas Sasuke and Fugaku are more aggressive). He is a wonderful teacher.

"…so it is obvious that Emerson wanted us to read with emphasis on his second line because of the order in which…"

Okay, maybe Naruto isn't exactly paying attention to what he's saying as much as he's watching Itachi say it. But still. The few seconds he can forget where he's sitting makes it just fine.

"Hey," Kiba whispers as Naruto continues to scribble a rough sketch of Itachi's profile over his half-assed notes, "I got Amnesia*3 for my laptop downloaded. It's fucking amazing, man,"

Naruto grins and leans over so he can whisper more quietly.

"You got the balls to play it? I gotta come over so I can psyche you out,"

Kiba scowls, displeased that his manhood has been wounded, and Naruto laughs under his breath. It's always been a sore spot with Kiba about scary things, because of that one time- "It was _one time_, Naruto!"- the brunette squealed like a very frightened girl during the European version of _Let Me In_. It's not like it's a big deal though, since Kiba knows Naruto screams like a banshee if he sees a mouse (those things are _disgusting_).

The two boys stew in their own embarrassing memories, and Itachi continues his lesson.

Second block is much the same as first, only filled with the weird people of the school, and not an advanced course that counts as any important credit for anything but for filling an empty space. It's probably the oddest class in the entire school- Mythology. The class is taught by Maito Gai Sensei, a freaky guy who wears an awful lot of forest greens and an awful lot of spandex, sometimes at the same time, who somehow manages to turn every Mythological story into a valiant quest of love (which for Mythology, isn't that far fetched).

Naruto's fellow classmates are also… a little unorthodox. Sasuke and Sakura aren't in the class, as well as anyone else Naruto considers himself close to, which is only a blessing now. The class is a little safe haven, where he can stop smiling for an hour and a half and not be heckled about it. There's Gaara, a redhead who hates pretty much everyone and sleeps most of the time. There's Shikamaru who sleeps _all_ of the time, and still miraculously passes all of his average leveled classes with perfect scores with nothing but a shrug and a sigh. There's Ino, a _freak_ of a chick, who used to be Sakura's like BFF until they had some sort of falling-out. Naruto doesn't know much about her outside of her creepy and somewhat psychotic comments in class. Then there's Naruto.

_Then there's me. The guy who secretly hates himself for secretly hating the ones he loves for secretly loving the one he shouldn't._

They talk about Persephone and Hades, how he tricked her with a flower and dragged her down to hell, killing spring and causing the goddess of Harvest, Demeter, to cast the earth into a famine in her grief. It makes Naruto wonder if anyone would grieve for him if he was dragged to hell. Would they starve with the death of spring?

_No_, Naruto thinks, _Let them just forget_._ Forget there ever was a spring, for it is already dead_.

Lunch is next, the first wave, because Seniors get privileges like that, and Naruto takes his normal spot, in between Sasuke and Kiba. Their table is filled with the same faces they knew five years ago, seven years ago, ten. Neji and Shikamaru, Sakura Hinata and TenTen, Lee and Chouji. It's normal, so normal, that Naruto wants to scream. No one cares that Sakura and Sasuke hold hands at the table or feed each other grapes or whatever. No one comments on how Naruto gets the back of Sasuke's shoulder the whole time because the Uchiha is busy licking food off of Sakura's cheek. Because that's exactly how it's supposed to happen, so talking about it would be redundant. It hasn't been a day, but it's already old news. It's so normal that Naruto can't, won't, shan't eat. He dreads that this normal will never be something he can get used to. But he's gotten so perfect at making it seem that way- being used to it, that is- that even he's normal too. (_Rules 1, 2, 3, kid. 1, 2, 3_).

He casually takes his plate up early, hands shaking because he's so _close, always so close_. And whether it's close to Sasuke, actually being at his side the whole time, or if it's so close to breaking, he is unsure.

No one will notice. No one notices.

_Rules123123123_.

The rest of the day is a blur of faces- PE scalded into his memory that makes going through the motions that much easier (warm-up laps with Lee, a game of basketball, and backtalk in the locker room with playful towel whips and ass spanking) and a lesson in Pre Cal he can't remember anything of except the bright yellow tie Sarutobi-Sensei was wearing.

"Naruto!" Sakura calls from Sasuke's side, Hinata and Neji trailing behind them. Naruto wonders if he can pretend he doesn't hear her and ducks his head into his locker. (_Swallow me up in your metal jaws. You must be starving)_, "Hey!"

Naruto spins around, his smile full and charming, and distracts himself by pretending to adjust the straps on his book bag, "Hey,"

His voice is easy, relaxed, and he's proud of himself for it. Sakura wraps an arm around the blonde's back as they make their way through the halls with the rest of the student body to get to the parking lot.

"We're having dinner tonight at Sasuke's. Mr. Fugaku is back in town. I'll pick you up at six, okay?" the beautiful girl is saying, prattling out the time and place because- _We've done this so many times before. How many dinners have we had all together? Too many to count_. But it isn't the same even though it is. They aren't Three anymore. (_It's Them and Me now_). And Naruto doesn't think he can stand it- only so strong. It's too new, too soon for him to be willing to hurt himself this early on.

_I can't go_, his mouth opens to tell them because they're waiting waiting waiting on him to hurry up be normal like them. _I can't_. Naruto couldn't force himself to sit next to them- their happiness. His insides seem to freeze at the mere idea, at the idea of breaking his rules- _Put them first, Naruto. Always always._ Can he really do that?- say no?

"Sorry, Sakura-" (_Always sorry, sorry, sorry; You're saying it so often these days-_) Naruto gulps down the revulsion he feels at himself, "I've got to study for a Mythology test,"

It isn't completely untrue- he's got to know something about all of Aphrodite's lovers-, but even if it is partially true, he girl's cheerfulness droops a bit, and Naruto known he has to swoop in. Damage control. He winks at her, refuses to look at Sasuke who is hovering next to him, still _still_ so _close._

"You? Studying? Who are you and what have you done to my dumb blonde?" Sakura teases, though it's obvious she's suspicious of him, and Naruto waves it off. Casually, smoothly.

"Hey- don't be upset. Score yourself a kiss tonight,"

It was the prefect thing to say because they're both so embarrassed that Naruto can detach himself from them, and duck around the corner to exit the school from a different side so that he won't run into them again for the rest of the day. The air is cold despite it being late afternoon, but Naruto guesses that's what November is all about. He's got his jacket zipped all the way up, his hood pulled over his spiky, windswept hair in order to ward off the chilly breeze. His apartments aren't far- like everything else in town. It's barely a thirty minute walk from one end of Konoha to the other. It's relaxing. He can breathe in this open, unrestricted air where who's dating whom and broken hearts don't matter. The grass on the sides of the road is dead and it crunches under his washy blue cons like spikes of dyed sugarcane. It was nice, his seconds of freedom. And when he got home to see the note from Jiraiya telling him he'd run off on a two week completely work related trip, that freedom soured and amplified his solitude.

_I am stranded_.

…

_**"Why the love which is so soft of aspect, put in to the test, has to be so tyrannical and so rough?" -William Shakespeare**_

…

"I can't believe they're actually together," a girl- what's her name? Naruto can't remember, he never learned anyway- whispers heatedly to her partner, referring to Sasuke and Sakura's constantly joined hands.

_Neither can I_.

Naruto laughs to himself, pretends it was because of one of Kiba's jokes he's recalling so that no one will question him, and tries to wash out the noise- the giggles, the gossip- that he's heard all day this fine Tuesday. It's barely second block, and his stomach is already in a tight knot of jealousy and self-pity that had the water he had for breakfast begging to be puked up.

Naruto's mind drifts from Gai-Sensei's deep rumbling as he reads the text in chapter thirty-nine, to yesterday's lunch- laughter the sound of an angel, Sakura's; it is so familiar, so precious to him. And to Sasuke's small smile- a full blown grin on anyone else- and how the color in his face has been so much brighter these days; because he's got everything he'll ever need- his lover, his best friends. Why can't Naruto just be happy for them? Why does he think things, feel things that would put a stop to that laughter and smile if they knew?

The blonde teen sighs, leans his forehead on his desk. No lunch today.

He can't stomach it.

(_The grease. The guilt. It's all the same_.)

The bell rings, and for the first time ever, Naruto veers off of his well-worn path to the cafeteria. He doesn't make a conscious decision of where his destination will be, but somehow in his zombie-march through the crowd of students rushing in the opposite direction, their shoulders sharp in his chest as they squeeze by, he makes it to Itachi's classroom. It is empty of all but the man himself, this period being his prep. Naruto stands by the door, unnoticed, and watches the elder Uchiha. He is at his desk, scribbling on some poor kid's essay in an unforgivable red ink, his dark eyes- coal and flecks of crimson- narrowed in concentration (and vexation, judging by the amount of red marks on the paper). Naruto smiles a little when Itachi blows upwards at his forehead to cast fly-away strands of his long hair out of his face in that unconscious way he only allows when he thinks no one is watching. His fingers are long and pale, his nose a clean slope to the very tip-from his mother, Mikoto.

Naruto's smile broadens and he finally walks in, catching Itachi's attention. He is surprised to see the blonde; Naruto usually doesn't miss a chance to eat.

"Not in a hurry to feed yourself?" he asks in his smooth tones, a tiny twitch pulling at the corner of his mouth. Naruto doesn't reply- grins sheepishly- and leans one hip against Itachi's desk. It's covered in stacks of papers and folders, like any other teacher's, but perfectly organized- _unlike_ any other teacher's. It isn't surprising in the least- Uchihas have a habit of doing things in an inhumanly organized manner. Even their house is creepily clean and well-kept (totally different from Naruto's apartment, which hasn't been dusted since the last owner had done so over tens years ago).

"Nah- I'm not in the mood,"; Itachi looks incredulous, but not suspicious. It is the reason, Naruto guesses, that he chose to come here. Itachi is safe. He'll make his own assumptions, observations, etcetera, but he'll rarely pry. He suspects it's because the Uchiha considers it too rude. Naruto glances back at the victim- _paper_- in Itachi's grasp and feels his smile come back.

"That a product of your first years?" he asks, leaning over the desk and into the other's personal space. It isn't unusual since most of the normal personal boundaries that exist between two people don't for Itachi and Naruto, and never have. There is an ease to their relationship despite the age and maturity difference that often left Sasuke feeling neglected when they were younger. It gives Naruto a sense of liberation; breathing room.

"It is," _Unfortunately,_ is left hanging, because again, Itachi is too polite to actually complain about anything, "They have slaughtered Literature as we know it," Maybe not too polite after all.

"You'll get them better. Hell," Itachi frowns at Naruto's curse, but the blonde it used to it and doesn't pause, "You got me there and everyone else thought I was a lost cause,"

It did help that Itachi is an incredible teacher with an extremely sexy voice though- you'd be motivated to write the best damn essay you've ever written too if you knew someone hot was going to be reading it. Let Itachi think that it's his lecturing skills that keeps Naruto paying attention day after day. "You have improved greatly since your first year,"

Naruto laughs at the strain on Itachi's face- hiding the pride, the satisfaction- and sits on the edge of the desk, playing with a stack of papers. It is true; Naruto's improvement. He's been slightly above dreadfully average for the last few years- since Itachi had somehow managed to get it to sink in that school actually _does_ matter. Before that, Naruto had been a bit of a problem child, not failing, but not exactly doing any good. His increased studying gives him a better sense of direction- something to do, something that has to be done- but in all honesty, he has no idea what he's doing after the Chounin level. He doesn't really want to go to college, but that's where Sasuke and Sakura are going and (_Please don't leave me behind_).

They are so sure of themselves, so sure of their career choices. Sakura has had her whole life planned out since seventh grade ("I'm going to Konoha Medical Institute, study under Tsunade Sannin, and become the top brain surgeon in the country,") and Sasuke is set to split half of the family company with his father once he proves himself (The Bank of Uchiha- most successful, trusted banking system in over half the world).

Once, in an attempt to gain some guidance, Naruto asked Jiraiya what his parents had done for a living. But they had changed jobs so frequently it ended up being no help to him. In the last ten years of their lives, Minato had been a fireman, a policeman, a dental assistant, a novelist, an accountant, a tattoo artist, and store clerk. His last job was photography, the last picture he ever took a stunning summer afternoon of Naruto's mother, her long hair blowing in the wind and highlighted by the bright orange sun. Kushina had been a realtor, a daycare manager, a secretary at an AIDS center, a housewife, and a social worker. She was a Karate instructor last.

"You have to go where your heart takes you," he just _knows_ they would say to him, "Even if it seems totally absurd,"

_What if my heart is trying to take me in between Sakura and Sasuke? What if my heart wants me to destroy what they have so I can be selfish?_

"You'd make me write lines if I hadn't. Something snotty sounding. Wordy. Like 'I shall stop'eth writing essays while under'eth Uchihs-Sensei's instruction that are such pieces of shite',"

Itachi does not look amused, but the blonde isn't worried. He can handle a prickly personality over-

Getting cut out of the picture. Out of Sasuke's picture. (_Off with his head!_)

Itachi finally lets a soft smile loose, and Naruto feels his heart thud painfully.

_Safe_.

"Just where have you been?"

Nowhere. Anywhere. _Wherever you and Sasuke's aren't_.

"Working on a project. For Mythology," Naruto blurts out carefully when Sakura asks where he disappeared to in PreCal. She believes him, because why shouldn't she? And Naruto quickly sets a pattern of skipping lunch in the cafeteria to sit in Itachi's empty classroom and pester him as he tries to grade papers. He packs a light bag of lunch in the mornings. He walks to school mostly- tells Sasuke Jiraiya is back in town and likes to take him (an easy lie to be caught in, _but you're only trying to save your sanity, Naruto_).

_Forgive me_.

"Should I be worried for my health, Naruto?" Itachi asks one day, and Naruto looks up curiously from his place in one of the rolling chairs (he's actually taken to doing school assignments while eating, so that he isn't completely distracting Itachi the whole time), and Itachi lets out a low chuckle that makes chill bumps blossom at the base of Naruto's neck, "I mean, Sasuke and Sakura aren't going to attack me for stealing you away every day? You have lunch with them, do you not?"

Naruto forces a laugh- used to laughing falsely and good at it. "Nah. I've been needing some quiet time recently, you know?"

It is easily dismissible, and Itachi never bothers to ask again. Maybe he can tell Naruto is avoiding them. Maybe he just doesn't care.

In the following days, Naruto feels invincible for twenty-five minutes out of the day. He has no worries when he's in Itachi's room, the outside world a far away place.

"I was wondering if you've bothered to apply for KU yet," Itachi tosses out casually, while erasing the chalk from his board. Naruto shakes his head, watching the white powder fly onto Itachi's hands and shirt that he knows will bother the man later, "Sasuke says their open house is this weekend. Will you be going with them?"

Sakura had sent him texts about it, Sasuke had dropped a sticky note on his locker mentioning it, since Naruto has spent the past few days being perfectly unable to reach. His replies were noncommittal at best, dismissing at worst. He doesn't want to go to a college where he knows his two best friends will go, live together with them, because that had always been their plan: go to college, live in a small house dividing the rent, and live happily ever after. They just haven't thought as far as Naruto has: when Sasuke and Sakura get married and honey-moon, and Naruto is forced out or left alone in an empty house way too big for one. (_Because it has always been meant for We Three_).

"I think Jiraiya might be coming home then, so…" Naruto hopes it's enough, but never has to sweat too much when evading Itachi's mildly probing questions. (_Thank you thankyouthankyou for not prying_).

It is impossible, Naruto decides after spending seven lunches with Itachi, to mix Sasuke and Itachi up. Physically, Sasuke has more stern, sharp features (despite everyone saying he looks like his mother- _but I know him way better-er than you or anyoneelsesothere_), his eyes a soft black-gray that speak of intelligence and patience and propriety, while Itachi's face is softer, perhaps a bit elfish, and his eyes a deep black-maroon that give children and grown men chills (though for two completely different reasons). And Sasuke will always be more childish and easier to frustrate, always trying to be perfect, and Itachi will always be more comfortable with his emotions thus able to handle them better. Why can't Naruto have fallen in love with Itachi instead?

Their eyes meet from across the desk- Naruto hunched over his PreCal homework and Itachi trying to pick off the flecks of white from the chalk board- and Naruto thinks that yes, there is love between them. Just not the same kind- a comfortable, familiar love that could make them lovers but wouldn't fill their days with that _spice_.

"What are you thinking about?" Itachi ventures, and Naruto feels himself flush. He laughs awkwardly, and Itachi looks like he's about to say something more but Naruto shoves a homemade brownie in the Uchiha's mouth.

They share lunch after that. Naruto stops doing work- it's _home_work after all- and Itachi decides he can relax for the twenty-five minutes of Naruto's lunch; so they settle themselves behind Itachi's desk in cushioned rolling chairs and talk about Naruto's cooking and home life and whatever else they deem worthy of conversation.

"…Sometimes it gets so quiet there, it sounds like someone's screaming," Naruto admits softly around a bite of his Easy Mac.

_Only it's me_. _Screamingscreamingscreaming_.

"I understand," Itachi says, after mulling over Naruto's words for a few seconds, "When I moved out into my apartment after I got a teaching job here, the silence used to really bother me. But I'm usually so busy with work, I hardly notice,"

"Why did you move out? I mean, this town is so puny so it isn't a matter of travel. Mikoto would have loved for you to stay,"

Itachi laughs. "Yes, well, when you're a grown man and like to go to places for adults, come home late at night with possibly a lover or two, and drunk, it helps not having to worry about waking up your parents," Naruto laughs with him now, nodding his head, empathizing, though he's never experienced anything like that. "I grew tired of sneaking around. You see, when I was your age I joined a mostly harmless… gang of sorts. Akatsuki,"

Naruto snorts on his Root Beer, totally disbelieving, because there's just no _way_ Itachi the Perfect could have ever been involved in a street gang!

"Oh, yes. We had matching jackets and rings. _Initiation_,"

Naruto feels a shiver, not exactly sure if it is from fear or excitement, at the tone in his voice and burning in his eyes at that last part. Itachi smirks.

Having Itachi as a crutch makes going over for weekend dinners and movie nights at the Uchiha household easier for Naruto, because even though Itachi's moved out years ago, he still spends a good amount of time at the house- his mother's orders of course. So Naruto can eat at the table, sit in the living room, because Itachi is there to distract him. There to protect him. And if he's in another room- what used to be his bedroom- naruto can just say he's going to the bathroom and hide the rest of the visit away next to the elder Uchiha, talking about bad poetry, shitty students, and other reputation-ruining things Itachi did as a kid. And Itachi seems to understand. More than Naruto wants to know (_Dangerous. Dangerous, but safe, because we're attracted to each other, love each other, but not on the constant brink of death like with Sasuke. Risk free._)

It's almost like I'm free-

"Naruto!"

The blonde jerks out of his thoughts, stares at his apartment's door, and wonders if it was just his imagination- Sakura's voice.

"Open this door this instant!"

Naruto clambers to his feet from his cozy place against the couch in front of the TV and unlocks his door.

"How did you get up here without being buzzed? Did the guy-"

But she isn't listening, just presses herself into his living space like she's welcome (_I promise I didn't mean that; you're always welcome_), and turns to him with these eyes so sad, so desperate.

"Naruto," she says, voice weak and vulnerable, "Why have you been avoiding us? You don't ride with us in the mornings, you're never in the parking lot, never at lunch, hardly talk to me in PreCal, and prefer _walking_ home after school. Walking!" she pauses, chin trembling, and Naruto can't stop himself from running forward to hug her to his chest- thinner now, because he doesn't eat all that much anymore- and runs his hands through her long strawberry locks, "Are… are you mad at us?"

His heart feels crushed. This is reality. There are no days where his two best friends- his _family_- stop existing just because he stops looking at them. (_I'm sorrysorrysorry_.)

"No- I could never be mad-" and it's true, because when have any of their arguments lasted? (_But this is different, isn't it kid? Don't tell her that though_)- "I'm just… you know, trying to give you guys space. Really," Naruto squeezes Sakura and her soft arms quickly wind around him because there are no boundaries between them (_not supposed to be anyway, you liar_), and Naruto is proud that he keeps himself from crying, "I never meant for you to worry. This is just all new for you, and I didn't want to be in the way of, you know, your developing relationship," his words all run together because he's basically spewing a bunch of bullshit, which is fine as long as she buys it. (_Because I may be a liar, but I'm a good one_.)

Sakura looks up at him, green eyes wide and pleading, no tears because between the three of them, Naruto is the crier; "You don't need to do that, Naru-" and she _never_ calls him Naru, only for special occasions- "You're a part of me. A part of us. This is a big change for all of us…" she bites a cherry pink lip, the same shade as her hair, "You'll come back to us right? We miss you,"

And how can he possibly say no to her? To those lips, those eyes, those gentle hands that know how to be as violent as any grown guy, when he lovesloves_loves_ all of her so much? (_Even the parts that took Sasuke away_).

"I promise," Naruto croaks out, voice raw, rocks dragging across broken glass, "I promise,"

_This is reality_.

…

*1) School, in this story, is set up by ranking. Elementary is kindergarten to third grade, Genin is fourth to eighth, Chounin is ninth to twelfth, Jounin is college, and Sanin are college graduates with a Masters Degree/ PhD.

*2) Social Phobia used in this context, the fear of hurting or displeasing others.

*3) Amnesia: The Dark Decent is the scariest PC game I've ever played. Seriously. Nothing compares.


	2. The sleep

**We Three**

_Glutton for punishment, repent your sins and be baptized in your own vomit:_

_Self-pity, envy, persistence_.

…

Naruto tries to spend more time with Sakura and Sasuke- even begins riding with them in the mornings again, laughs at their inside jokes (and cringes at the ones they've made without him), and makes them believe he's all right. But there is only so much he can take before he's pulling away again (_but softer this time, because Rules123, Naruto; can't have them worrying_).

Lunch is with Itachi.

But Naruto discovers a new distraction in PreCal and PE, and his name is Inuzuka Kiba.

Kiba is like a piece of Naruto's soul. They are so alike; loud, careless, owners to questionable intelligence some say, but hey; they know how to have_ fun_. He has known the brunet since elementary, like most of the kids in Konoha, and they have been great friends for almost as long. Usually, when Naruto is left alone, Kiba finds him- and mischief usually follows. Lately though, these past few years, with how withdrawn Naruto has slowly become, his relationships with a lot of his friends have dwindled a bit. So Naruto is surprised when Kiba has grown up from sticking glue in the girls' hair to planning out his career (while still finding time to cause chaos of course). Maybe not exactly grown up.

Separating himself from Sasuke and Sakura is tragically easy. They are- as it can only be _Destined_ to be- the Senior Class Sweethearts, the attention of the entire school. And to be brutally honest, it leaves Naruto out of the picture, so that even if he claims to be hanging out with them as much as he used to, they're so busy wrapped up in everyone else's attention, they can't possibly notice. He isn't complaining- it is after all better than constantly looking for ways to avoid them.

_It's easier this way_.

And with Kiba to cling to, it is made all the more so. All he has to do is, well…

"Actually, " Naruto says with an apologetic smile, "I agreed to help Kiba out at the kennel. There's a dog that'll likely go into labor tonight,"

Sasuke frowns, cuts a glance to Kiba who has perked up from his shower stall upon hearing his name. Naruto shoots him a look while Sasuke can't see him. _Deny it, and you die_.

"Hn,"

"We can watch a movie later. There's always another chance,"

_(Except tomorrow night, I'll be busy studying, and the night after that, I'll be helping Lee train for the annual triathlon, and the night after that I'll be and the nightafterthat andthenightafterthat)_.

"Besides, how often do you get an empty house alone with Sakura for the entire night?" Naruto continues, a sly grin on his face that he hopes gets Sasuke thinking about his girlfriend instead of thinking about how Naruto is such a terrible storyteller when he's on the spot.

Naruto sees Sasuke tense, knows he's got him where he wants, and gives him a little hip bump full of suggestions and teasing.

"Shut up," the Uchiha mumbles, a little smirk pulling at his thin lips.

They get dressed, Sasuke stuck in his own totally male thoughts, Naruto trying to calm his pumping heart down.

"Dude, it's great that you want to come over to the kennel with me, but we don't have a pregnant dog," Kiba whispers once Sasuke has left the PE crowd after class to go find Sakura before their last block.

"It doesn't matter," Naruto says back, "Let's put tape on the kittens' paws like we did last time I was there,"

"Are you kidding? Hana threw me in the Rottweiler pin when she found out!" but Kiba is laughing and nodding his head, so the punishment must not have been that bad, "Man, I'm glad you're coming with me today. I've got the entire closing shift. Four hours of nothing but barking and whining,"

"Sounds like you," Naruto says with a cheeky grin, and ducks the arm Kiba swings halfheartedly at him.

PreCal is, for the first time in a while, fun. Naruto and Kiba get there late (having made a pit stop in the bathroom that quickly turning into stuffing all of the urinals with toilet paper), so the seat next to Sakura is taken by one of the giggling girls that has begun to shadow the pink haired girl ever since plain Sasuke and Sakura became _SasuSaku_. So Naruto can relax, not worry about keeping appearances up when all Sakura can do is answer probing questions about _Omg is he a good kisser?_

And then, the bell rings, and he and Kiba race to the parking lot, tripping First Years (_totally on accident, Ebisu-Sensei, I swear_) and yelling playful taunts at each other. It isn't rivalry or a contest of masculinity. Just two dudes being dudes. There is no constant pressure, no threat of it all collapsing. Like when he's with Itachi:

_Safe_.

When you work at a family owned animal shelter- the only one in the entire town- and you aren't over twenty, there is only one job for you to do: clean up animal poop.

Yup.

Dog poop, cat poop, bird poop, bunny and rabbit poop, and the occasional raccoon poop. And after years of doing the same menial jobs, Kiba can very hilariously commentate on everything they do that evening in a very convincing imitation of Hana.

"No, no, blondie," he says, brushing past Naruto so he can get further into the fenced pen, "You have to really get in the corners and scrub _extra _hard, like you've had an itchy ass crack all _day_ and finally get to scratch it when you get home, "

Naruto laughs, throws a dirty scrub brush at Kiba's leg, "If it itches so bad, why can't I scratch my ass at school?"

Kiba gasps while dunking his mop in a bucket of soapy hot water, "_What_? You can't scratch your butt hole in _public_! It's so unladylike!"

They look at each other, long sleeves rolled up to their elbows, pants tucked into the work boots that are always hung in the storage closet, dirt smudged across their faces like war paint; and laugh. They guffaw in great heaving breaths, and Naruto's chest hurts barely five seconds in because it's just been so _long_ since he's laughed like this. And even if it stings, it feels so _good_!

They finish up so they can put the dogs back in their respectful pens, and it is almost eight o'clock when Kiba and he return to the front of the store.

"Hey man," his friend says in a low voice, and Naruto recognizes it for the same tone Kiba gets when he's about to do something against the rules, "I wanna show you something,"

"Yeah?" Naruto asks, glancing to the glass door where he can see the dark night settling in- earlier because of the cold.

"Yeah," Kiba grins his wolfish smile (from being around too many animals, if you ask Naruto), "What are the chances a customer will need us in the next two hours? I say we shut down early and take a walk,"

So they layer up in their jackets and scarves (mid-November is such a _bitch_), cut the lights, lock the doors, and hit the pavement. They don't drive; Kiba seems to want the effect of going on foot, and they follow the cracked cobble sidewalks through Konoha's heart, lit with streetlamps and windows, and all the way to the very edge. Naruto is a little nervous- this _is_ the ghetto, and it _is_ rather dark, but Kiba is confident in his strides. And he should be: Kiba is a full 6"6, and 190 lbs of toned muscle (just like his dad was when he was 19). Naruto just hugs to his arm like a woman and hopes he blends in with Kiba's shadow (because he is a pathetic 5"4). Kiba is nice enough to not tease him for it. (Plus, Naruto doesn't have to prove himself or anything. Kiba's seen him do worse).

They wind around the crummiest of buildings- an old coffee shop-part-drug-circuit called Haku's, an art shop, apartment buildings that _should_ be abandoned, and empty warehouses reserved for partying and gang gathering, until they slip in between two very tall buildings. The alley is colder than the open streets, and Naruto sticks to Kibs'a side wondering if his friend has turned into a psycho murderer and is about to dispose Naruto's body once he kills him.

"Would you stop comparing me to a serial killer?" Kiba whispers, and Naruto is now sure his face was giving away all of his thoughts, "And loosen your grip a little. I know the route of the cops around here and the gangs don't meet on this side of the slums this month. You're cutting off the circulation. Seriously,"

Naruto lets go, and looks up at his friend expectantly, seeing his usually tan face in the flickering white light of a distant streetlamp. Kiba turns away to a pile of black bags and trashcans, _digs around in them_, and just as Naruto is about to ask what the hell he's doing going though _garbage_, Kiba withdraws a black duffle bag.

Flashlights and spray paint. And rock climbing equipment?

"Look," Kiba says, tilting his head in the direction of the tall storage building to their right.

It takes a few seconds of squinting in the dark to see- but suddenly, Naruto is filled with awe: the smooth gray concrete of the building is covered in bold strokes of blues and purples, streaks of green and pink. The colors stretch all the way up the building, a huge mural, and Naruto suddenly understands the ropes and hooks and harness-

"Is that…" Naruto begins, looking into those familiar lilac eyes the size of a round pool float- bigger than the circle Naruto's arms can make.

"Yeah," Kiba says breathlessly, staring up at his work.

Hyüga Hinata gazes over them at the wall right across, her face highlighted with colors of the street- cool hues, but somehow vibrant. Standing out in the deserted alley.

"I've got it bad for her, man,"

And the look in Kiba's eyes is so raw that Naruto can't help but think of Sasuke, how he wishes he could tell someone, but then he remembers his rules, and the thought dies.

"It's beautiful. It's…"

There are no words to capture it: the tenderness, the care that shines through on the giant portrait of Hinata's face, reflecting all that Kiba has put into it.

"This is where I go when I can't take it anymore," Kiba whispers hoarsely, "Painting like this just feels great,"

Kiba tosses a can to Naruto- blue- and smiles, pointy teeth showing.

"Make the wall your bitch,"

It's the best thing Naruto has ever heard in his entire life, and within thirty minutes, they have broken into the two buildings, hooked up the ropes on the roof, and are scaling the walls, cans uncapped, white masks covering their mouths and noses.

Kiba sings the lines of a love song (_I watch you sleepin', quietly in my bed… If I forget who I am, would you please remind me? Because without you, things go hazy_-_…_), and Naruto ignores what his own picture is turning into.

They paint until three in the morning.

…

"_**A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave," -Mahatma Gandhi**_

…

Itachi is out of town- in some sort of conference, forced to tag along with his father- so Naruto reluctantly allows himself to be dragged to lunch, too tired from his late-night jaunt with Kiba to really argue. He had gotten home a little after three-thirty and crashed without changing or taking a shower, so he still has spray paint all over his hands (his jacket is totally ruined), and dirt under his eyes.

He flops down at the table with his stuff, not bothering to take out his lunch because his nerves have ruined his appetite, between Kiba and Sakura and across from Hinata and Neji; and Kiba had spent a good portion of last night moaning about Neji's constant presence, warding off possible suitors (_Pro_), including Kiba (_Con_), and making it generally impossible to have a decent conversation with the girl. Naruto studies her silently while she speaks softly to Sakura. She has thin wrists, a long pale neck, and all-around dainty look. She is extremely pretty (and it is now that Naruto admits to having a weakness for pale skinned, dark-haired people), and he thinks back on Kiba's art and can't stop the smile. Even though Sakura is by no means masculine, Hinata is way girlier than Sakura's sucker punch will ever allow her to be. It reminds Naruto of Mikoto, how the woman can be so misleadingly soft and gentle, when she has a really mean streak running through her veins that keeps Fugaku's testicles on a shiny platter.

Someone mentions prom, and Shikamaru sighs loudly as the girls at the table (who are all these females and where did they come from?) burst into high pitched excitement. Naruto makes eye contact with the suffering teen and thinks back to second block when he had pleaded him not to tell anyone that there wasn't really a Mythology project that kept Naruto from the cafeteria. It had been easy enough, but seeing the lazy guy raise his eyebrows at him because he was too lazy to show any other expression put Naruto on edge.

"Naruto, is that paint in your hair?"

Naruto turns his attention to Sakura who is looking at him quizzically, a smile on her rosy lips. Naruto thinks about kissing them- he has before; their many casual pecks of affection, and that's what Naruto feels surging through his entire body upon seeing this girl. He never wants to have to let her go, but seeing her with Sasuke makes him hate her (_himself_).

"Paint?" he replies, reaching up to fiddle with his bangs.

"It's all blue right here. What were you doing around paint?"

"Uh," Naruto stalls, and his obvious avoidance catches Sasuke's attention who had been talking to Neji.

"We! Uh," Kiba jumps in, slinging an arm around Naruto's shoulder, "He was helping me with a project. We ended up staying out really late and he didn't have time to clean up,"

Only Kiba messes up, and says staying _out_ instead of staying _up_. Sakura's green eyes narrow angrily, a slim pointer finger already jabbing at the air in Naruto's direction as she gets ready to scold him.

"Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto, you went out to vandalize private property with dog-breath here, didn't you?" she demands, not caring whether she gets an answer or not, because she doesn't need one to know Naruto inside-out, "How can you make such a stupid decision? What if the cops had caught you? Arrested you? This is no behavior for a proper future, young man!"

Naruto bows his head in shame, to hide his smile because it's been so long since Sakura has had to mother him, and listens to her lecture on and on. He sighs, sets his binder and text book on the table and Sakura pauses, getting a glimpse at the corner of a college application form.

"Decided what school you want to go to?" Sakura asks him, leaning into his side so that she can peek at the applications he has stuffed stubbornly into his AP English book- away and out of sight.

"Nope- I'm just as lost as ever," the blonde laughs. His friend pouts and flicks his cheek, still a tiny bit angry.

"You need to decide. We're graduating soon, you know. And I want to make sure we're all still living close. Sasuke has to go to a special business school that's a few hours away, so I was thinking we could pitch in to rent a house that's equal distance to all three of our schools,"

"Oh," is the only thing Naruto can think to say. Sasuke turns back to talk to Neji, ignored but noticed in their little conversation.

Oh. Right. (Swallow, swallow- _your stomach is empty so you won't throw anything up_). Living with them. There is always that unlikely chance that the two will break up, but why would they? They are perfect for each other. Naruto can't imagine being in the same house with them (_Can you imagine the thin walls? Can you imagine seeing them every morning knowing they've slept in the same bed together?_).

"Naruto?" Sakura asks, waves a hand in front of his face, "Are you all right?"

"Huh?" the blonde looks up at her concerned face and feels relieved that he hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch (_the guilt is rushing, rushing, rushing, and he doesn't think his stomach could handle being full_), "Yeah. I'm just a little stressed, you know? I was supposed to have these filled out like, a month ago and I still haven't made any progress,"

Her soft hands caress his face gently and she smiles a way that used to make the world melt (she has a way with people)- but now, it just makes his nerve endings feel shot.

"Don't freak yourself out, okay?"

The bell rings and Naruto wants to leave them in the dust. He pays more attention to the halls, thinking of graduation and how he only has a few weeks before the application deadlines (so he doesn't stare at Sasuke and Sakura holding their fingers so closely together). It is daunting, but refreshing at the same time. It is his chance to get away, to escape (_Where to? Fate hasn't stomped on you enough yet, kid_).

After lunch, Sakura and Sasuke find Naruto in the moving crowds and latched on, refusing to let go. It makes Naruto want to cry- seeing how possessive they are of him. They stand on either side of him like body guards, arms caging his body, and Naruto tries to keep up with it all (_Drowning_).

Sakura separates herself, having to go the opposite direction for her Chemistry course, smacking a quick kiss on each of her boys' cheeks (_and it's almost like we're normal again, but then you whisper I love you in an intimate way to Sasuke and you ruin it. You ruin it._)

Through a bland expression that usually does not belong on any Namikaze's face, Naruto openly watches Sasuke as if through a newborn's eyes- trying to see him as if he has never seen him before. He is strikingly beautiful, a trait that makes the most prude of women's knees quake. His physique is a product of the sensual Uchiha heritage- often making him appear much older and sexier than he really is (though for Itahci, it does the opposite- looking forever 21).

"Do I have something on my face?" Sasuke asks, and Naruto watches his thin lips move with the words. Feeling a tremor shoot through his body, Naruto hastily shakes his head and says; "Nothing". It is no wonder he fell in love. (_Dangerous_). Naruto closes his eyes and feel Sasuke's shoulder brush his as other students squeeze past them.

"Nothing," he repeats in a whisper.

"You look tired,"

_Don't look at me. You'll see the meals I've cut, the sleep I've lost- right through-_

"You shouldn't stay out late at night like that when you've got school," Sasuke says, not really sounding upset, but serious. Naruto doesn't look at his face, having gotten himself too vulnerable to risk it, but he knows Sasuke is worried, "Kiba will get you killed,"

They stop, and it causes a part in the flow of students (_like the Red Sea- red from the blood spewing from your mouth, eyes, ears, and nose; blood from the stabbing of being a liar, liar, liar_). It has always been harder to lie to Sasuke than to Sakura. And why does he care what Naruto does, anyway? As long as he gets his perfect girlfriend, his perfect wife and perfect children, and have a perfect family that will make his father proud (_Why won't your father-complex act up a little more? Why won't you care less about me?_), what does Naruto matter?

"What do you know, bastard?" the blonde teases, hoping to throw him off course, get them out of the red zone (_Dangerdangerdanger_).

Sasuke sneers and jabs his friend in the forehead making Naruto think briefly of Itachi (_and oddly enough, I miss him today; I need to send him a text so he'll get in trouble with Fugaku for not paying attention during the boring meeting he'll be in right now_).

"More than you ever will," Sasuke replies after a pause, concern slipping away to the back of his mind and _success_.

"Ha! Yeah right!" Naruto swings his arm around Sasuke's shoulders daring himself (_How close can you get to him?_). Sasuke returns the contact with an arm of his own around the blonde's thin waist. Secure. Too much at home.

Naruto feels like one of those crappy songs sung by those untalented girls about heartbreak, but it isn't Kiba, Sasuke-

_You're going to be the death of me_.

…

"_**I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone," -Steven Javan Jones**_

…

The sound of Naruto's phone ringing- some obnoxious tropical tune that Sakura picked out a long time ago- mixes in with the reruns of _Whose Line is it Anyway?_ jerking the blonde who was steadily dozing off awake. He rubs his eyes and blindly reaches over to the buzzing phone without bothering to sit up, ready to ignore the call if it ends up being Sasuke or Sakura. He squints at the bright letters.

"Kiba?"

It is just a little before six in the evening (a bit early for Naruto to be crashing on the couch, but hey- it's Friday and he's had a long week- _a long life_), and Naruto wonders what his friend could possibly want; the kennel closes early on Fridays and the police hang around their paint spot too much weekend nights.

"Yeah?" he says once he's accepted the call, voice still groggy from the sleep that's settled deep into his muscles (_next his bones, and then his blood stream, and then he'll have to wait for True Love's kiss to break the spell, so he'll never have to wake up ever ever ever again; because the Prince is lip locking with some other damsel_).

"Naruto! Dude," his friend's voice is urgent, the usual confident playfulness gone, "I'm so glad you picked up. You'll never guess what's just happened!"

Naruto finally sits up, his attention on Kiba's voice, a deep growl coming through the phone, his words coming out extremely fast, "Oh, man, _ohman_. So, like. I finally just said 'fuck it', and drove straight to Hinata's house after work like thirty minutes ago. And I basically asked Mr. Hyuga for Hinata's hand- for a date! Not for like marriage or anything…"

There is a long silence, Kiba realizing he's babbling and Naruto isn't sure what he's supposed to say.

"Uh…"

"Anyway- so Hinata was super embarrassed, and for a second I thought it was a bad idea but then Mr. Hyuga was all 'It is very honorable for you to formally ask me' or whatever and basically gave me a free pass to do whatever I want!"

Naruto snorts at this, hardly believing it. Surly Kiba is exaggerating.

And sure enough, "Well. Okay- so not really. But I do get to take her out to the movies tonight at 6:30! And as long as it's an appropriate movie and I have her back by nine-thirty, I can take her out again! She totally likes me!"

Naruto smiles at the TV, glad for Kiba.

"So what movie are you going to see? A scary one so you can piss your pants and Hinata can protect you?" Naruto teases, and Kiba lets out an indignant "Hey!".

"Not cool, man," he mutters, "And no. Not a horror movie. I'm thinking Pirates of the Caribbean 4," Naruto nods, then stops once he thinks about how Kiba can't see him.

"Sounds good. Did you call for fashion advice or something? Can't decide what to wear?"

Again, Kiba is offended. "Actually…" he stops, to build the suspense, and Naruto knows he's about to tell him some sort of catch, "Mr. Hyuga only agreed to this first date if Neji escorted us,"

He can't help it- and maybe it's bad for their friendship- but a bubble of laughter bursts out of the blonde's mouth. The image of Neji tagging along- weasling in between Hinata and Kiba the entire time: not letting them hold hands forcing them to hold each of his, making Hinata sit in the back seat so Kiba can't woo her during the drive there, sitting in between at the movie, passing comments like some sort of messenger.

"Dude! Totally not funny! You _know_ how Neji is with Hinata! I won't even be able to tell her she looks pretty tonight without him chopping off my balls and presenting them to her father! And something tells me a guy getting neutered isn't a turn on,"

Naruto continues to giggle, trying to hold the phone away from his mouth so it sounds like he's calming down.

"Well, what do you expect me to do about it? It's not like I'm on close terms with Mr. Hyuga or anythi-"

"Come with me!" Kiba begs, sounding totally desperate, "Please, if you love me at all, come make it a double date. I heard Neji's bi. And if he isn't, who can resist you? And even if he miraculously can, tag along and distract him!"

"No; no way," Naruto replies with a grimace; he doesn't know Neji very well- had always been more Sasuke's friend than his- and in all honesty, he isn't sure he likes what little he does know. Like most of the wealthy around Konoha, he is the perfect combination of manners, stoicism, and glares (in public at least; who knew how Neji is at home when the Uchihas play freaking Twister on the weekends?).

"I need this, man! I _need_ this. You know you'd get me to do it for you, if you were in the same place!"

He has a point there.

"_Ple-eeeee-ase_,"

Naruto sighs, glances down at his clothes- he had already changed into pj's- and glances at the clock.

"What time is the movie again?"

"6:30,"

He has fifteen minutes to get cleaned up and get to the theater.

"You _owe_ me,"

"Yes! I love you! I owe you _big_, man. Anything you wa-"

Naruto hangs up on Kiba's celebrations, slumps into the contours of his old, mothy brown couch, grumbling about dog breath teenagers and crappy Johnny Depp movies. It's easy to act like doing this for Kiba is troublesome, but between this and going along with Sasuke and Sakura like he usually would (_I can't come guys; uh- gotta cover for Kiba at the kennel. Have fun!_), there is no competition.

Twenty minutes later, Naruto is standing in line outside of a dark, cold theater with Kiba and two Hyugas. It is obvious to him that his friend is nervous, his words slurred and jittery as he tries to coax Hinata into an easy conversation; it's actually kind of cute (_finally a couple I can hang around without wanting to kill us all_). When Naruto first walked up, he and Kiba had played it off as if they had coincidentally run into each other, something Hinata easily bought, but Neji had just looked at the blonde shrewdly. Now, he is walking quietly with the other male to the big screen while Hinata and Kiba stumble over cliches.

"Kiba brought you here tonight?" Neji finally asks quietly as they sit down (no one in between the two love birds), and at first Naruto thinks he can only see annoyance on his face, but catches a glimpse of his underlying humor.

Sheepishly, Naruto nods; "You scare the shit out of him,"

Neji laughs softly, drowned out in the noise of the opening credits. Naruto leans in closer to hear what he'll say, his breath tickling his face and smelling of Icebreakers gum; "He should be. One bad word to my uncle about him, and he'll be put under a restraining order," he pauses, eyes cutting to the side in thought, before leaning even closer, "However, considering that I've known Kiba for quite a while, I decided a long time ago that he is mostly harmless,"

"I know," Naruto chuckles, and notions with his chin towards the two, "Look at him. He's more nervous than she is,"

For the rest of movie, Naruto and Neji dismiss the pair they came with for the most part, and Naruto is further surprised by how much fun being with the Hyuga is. He is peculiar company: a strange mixture of pretentious sarcasm and cockiness but much more laid back than Naruto ever could have expected. Maybe calling the rich clans pompous is unfair.

"What's the plot of this movie again?" Naruto whispers as they watch Black Beard throw a voodoo doll over a cliff.

"An excuse for Johnny Depp to be the conceited star player for a pointless two hours for the fourth time?"

The film is predictable, but still enjoyable- with Neji's witty comments about Kiba's arm around Hinata's shoulders or the mermaids in Pirates 4. When it is over, they stay through the credits like their group always does (no real reason, just tradition) while the other customers file out of the dark room.

"It was great!" Kiba shouts, holding Hinata by the hand and helping her stand. They make their way out of the theatre room, the staff already starting to clean up between shows.

Neji and Naruto glance at each other, amused by the brunet's enthusiasm, and even more amused that Hinata seems to be charmed by it (_and she isn't the only one being charmed, is she kid? Isn't Neji your type? Dark haired, white complexion…_). Naruto feels the back of his neck blush in prickly heat, and jerks his face away from studying Neji. _I need to jack off or something_. (_When was the last time you touched yourself, Naruto? When was the last time you could even stand to look at yourself?_)

"Naruto," Neji says quietly, so as not to catch their company's attention, and brushes his fingers down the blonde's arm until they're tangled with his own, "I was less than pleased when my uncle told me I had to accompany Hinata and Kiba tonight. Despite what others may think, I do not take pleasure in making my friends miserable," they trail behind Hinata and Kiba unnoticed, copying their shadows- hands entwined. It is odd how comfortable Naruto feels. Maybe it's Neji's ability to feed off of the nervous energy coursing through his veins, or maybe Naruto's just that lonely. (_You can't get over Sasuke if you just sit here. At some point, a step is required_).

"But I must say that with you here to keep me from having a completely terrible time, my night has been overall pleasant," a firm squeeze to his hand, and they come to a stop, letting the love-doves get ahead. Another theatre room opens, the end of a movie, and people drift out at a lethargic pace and filter around them, reminding Naruto of the day Sasuke had him frozen in the hallway after school. He mentally scolds himself- for comparing this one night of relaxation and fresh air to his prison. Neji stares at his face, scrutinizing.

"You seem to have quite a bit of inner turmoil, Naruto,"

Naruto's breath sucks out of the back of his throat like a vacuum is after it.

"Doesn't…," he swallows thickly, "Doesn't everybody?"

Neji smiles and looks as if he's about to say something but-

"Naruto? What are you doing here?"

He's never heard Sasuke sound so strange, and when Naruto looks to his left, where he sees Sakura and Sasuke coming out of the theater that had just opened, he expects to see some sort of expression on the Uchiha's face. It is uncomfortably blank. (_I've been caught. They'll never trust me; I've messed up big time_).

"I thought you had to work Kiba's shift at the shelter tonight…" Sakura says, and both she and Sasuke are trailing their eyes slowly over to the place where he and Neji are joined at the hands, questions in their eyes.

The blonde opens his mouth, a panic boiling under his skin, sweating out through his pores, drenching him. A light arm settles across his neck, and he looks up to see Neji's face is much closer.

"I managed to convince Kiba's sister to let him go," he says smoothly, smiling- apologetic and sweet- "I've been pestering Naruto to come out with me just once for a while,"

_Oh, really?_

Sakura looks surprised, and Sasuke just continues to stare (_Don't look at me like that. Don't look so disgusted_). Naruto feels his face growing hot and knows his red cheeks will just make the lie more believable. He isn't so sure it's a good thing (_It is, it is; let them believe it; let them believe I'd never lie to them on purpose, because there are noboundariesbetweenus, right Sakura?_).

They all stare at each other, Naruto's side pressed awkwardly into Neji's hip, until Sasuke drags Sakura passed them. He doesn't look back.

"We'll… see you!" Sakura calls over her shoulder, voice full of worry (_not for me; never for me, when Sasuke's upset_).

"I…," Naruto is thankful he hasn't eaten a proper meal all day, because if he had it would be all over their shoes by now, "Thanks,"

Neji just smiles wider, and it makes Naruto feel guilty- for lying, for getting caught, for making Neji lie, for not being able to like this male in front of him like he wishes he could.

"I think… I'm gonna head out," Naruto says without looking into those intelligent, lilac eyes, "Tell Kiba and Hinata I said see ya,"

"Wait-" Neji catches Naruto's wrist, "If you're free Monday afternoon, I'd be greatly pleasured if you'd come over to the Hyuga estate. For a leisurely afternoon,"

Naruto stares at him before actually registering he's asked him to come over to his house.

_(At some point, a step is required.)_

"Yeah," Naruto says, a careful smile showing through on his face, "Yeah, okay,"

The roads are dark and cold- much colder now that it's well into November- and Naruto takes a deep breath, feels a familiar burning sensation in his nose and throat, but he blames it on the blistering wind.

The path home is so ingrained that he doesn't even have to think, and in no time he is already standing in the crowded lot in front of the apartment building.

He stops and looks up at the tall, old rectangle shooting up from the frozen ground, a black silhouette in the midnight blue sky. It is quiet- to his ears, because he is so accustomed to the constant buzz of the generator and heater, the echo of an occasional car door slamming, the dog barking in the distance desperate to be heard- just like every other living thing around (_Hear me_). It makes Naruto feel small- and so alone.

He turns on his heel, refusing to sit in the silence of his deadened home, just as the season's first flurries of snow reach his wild hair.

He's only been here twice- once when he helped the Uchihas get all of Itachi's stuff moved in, and once again when Mikoto had him and Sasuke deliver Itachi dinner, but Naruto knows the way well, and has a pink-with-cold fist knocking on the elder Uchiha's front door in less than ten minutes.

It takes a few seconds, but Naruto is patient, so he isn't bothered by the wait. Itachi swings the door open, and if Naruto hadn't known Itachi for so many years, he would have been surprised that he's capable of wearing casual lounge clothes. He's dressed in a loose fitting pale green sweater with quarter-length sleeves and a high collar like a turtleneck, with baggy black sweats. A cup of coffee- the cup is bright yellow with little purple hearts that spell out Momma's Boy- rests in his hand.

"Sexy," Naruto drawls teasingly, and pushes inside. Itachi huffs out a short chuckle and closes the door to keep all the heat from draining out. The Uchiha doesn't ask what Naruto's doing here- doesn't seem to need to- so they settle in front of the small television on Itahci's warm chocolate brown loveseat.

"_Cake Wars_?" he asks Itachi incredulously once they settle.

"It's Thanksgiving edition," he replies, without explaining anything else.

"Is that cake a turkey?"

"It looks delicious,"

"You are so weird,"

"Hn," Itachi grunts in reply, the Uchiha family signature noise (because it doesn't qualify as a word).

Naruto slides all the way down and to the side so that his head is resting on Itachi's thigh, and long fingers begin to card through his golden waves (Sakura always calls them cowlicks). He brings up his hand to pick at the tacks of lint on Itachi's sweat pants.

"I didn't want to be alone tonight," he murmurs against the soft fabric on Itachi's leg, over the foreign voice of one of the judges on TV. The stroking in his hair doesn't stop, and Itachi's other arm comes up to rest over Naruto's shoulders.

"I didn't realize it until you were already here, but neither did I,"

Naruto pulls himself back up, and looks into Itachi's not-quite-red eyes while chewing on his lips. Slowly, the blonde lifts his body over Itachi's and rests on his lap, straddling him. Heavy, large hands come to Naruto's hips, and with a single tug, send him sliding closer so that their chests and noses brush.

This isn't romantic love, Naruto knows as they slither out of their shirts and socks.

This isn't a confession, Itachi's lips returning with as much pressure as his.

They aren't lovers, nor will they likely ever be, but they are comfort seeking comfort, soul seeking soul. And the way Itachi's hips move is just _so nice_.

Naruto doesn't mind giving up his virginity to Itachi; the love they have may not be the kind that you maybe should have when doing this sort of thing, but their love is strong- affectionate. Familial. Itachi is smooth and experienced, and Naruto is in a thick haze the whole time, can't keep up (_Hands and teeth here, fingers and nails there, coffee scented breath, scarlet with lust gaze_). And then _that_ going in him (_How is _that_ supposed to fit?_) pulsing and hot, and with enough burn to make Naruto cry out. Itachi whispers words of some other language (Russian or Welsh, maybe) as he thrusts hard, not nearly as gentle as Naruto thought he would be, but it just makes it better, headier.

They go as long and as many times as Naruto's body can handle (_rolling up and down and up and down in Itachi's lap; face and stomach pressed into the couch on his knees; thighs wrapped around Itachi's abdomen, his head hanging off the arm rest; Itachi pulling Naruto's legs up to his shoulders and hitting right _there_ over and over_), and then some more. Naruto worries for a second that Itachi's neighbors will hear- and only for a second because Itachi isn't _idle_.

Many hours later- yeah, _hours_- they lie on the small couch, Naruto on top of Itachi, the full lengths of their bodies pressing into each other comfortably; or as comfortably as two people can lie when they're covered in sweat and other bodily secretions with the chill of a draft coming from the heater blowing over their bare skin.

"Come," Itachi whispers, lifting Naruto by the waist with one arm and leading him to the bathroom.

They take a long time bathing- until all the hot water runs out- just letting the water spray over their backs, loosening all the tension and washing away their spent energy. Naruto washes Itachi's hair, massaging his scalp, kissing his chest and collar bone because that's as high as his mouth can get when Itachi doesn't bend down. They take turns scrubbing away the white crust- dried from the first and second rounds- from stomachs and thighs, and Itachi embarrasses Naruto by easing three fingers into his tender entrance to clean him from the blood and sperm. Of course, this only turns Naruto on and they end up having sex again- so slow and easy because Naruto is already so sore, so hyper-sensitized, that it makes the blonde _sob_ with pleasure, and by the time he climaxes, it _hurts_ with how good Itachi feels, and he hopes the Uchiha is getting the same thing out of it, and he hopes that sex is like this every time because if it isn't he'll likely go _impotent_, and he hopeshopes_hopes_ but hopes so much he can't remember what he's hoping for, just keeps repeating _please_ in a needy voice he never thought would come out of his own mouth into another mouth he never thought would be so close.

They realize the water is freezing when they're slumped in the bottom of the tub, heaving for breath (_You're so beautiful when you're suffocating, Itachi_), so they stumble out, wobbly-kneed and limping, and dry off; rub against each other for warmth and raw friction. Itachi collapses on his single sized bad, yanking Naruto with him, twists them until his soft blue flannel blanket is wrapped around them.

There is no talking about what just happened, no explaining the why's or how's. There is only sleeping, dreaming; there is only the wet patches around their heads from their dripping hair, golden and black and blue flannel.

There is only the delicious _ache_ that pulses in their muscles and bones, and the carelessness that none of this will need to matter until they wake up; that there is nothing to worry about until they can feel bothered to worry- with a final conscious effort to think (the first conscious effort to think), Naruto smiles:

_Peace_.

And in that moment of synchronized breathing, of moist skin on skin, of black hair tickling his jaw, Naruto lets himself cower from the world in the arms of the brother of the boy he's in love with.

…

_**Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. -Martin Luther King, Jr**_

…

Naruto leaves his apartment early Monday morning- to completely avoid any of Sakura's questions (_when did u and neji happen? R u there? Ur riding with us 2day rite?_). He turns his phone off and leaves it on the coffee table (coffee making him blush because ohgodItachi) when he leaves. He's piled on the layers- a high collared long sleeve, a burnt orange jacket with fur lining, and a white scarf Sakura crocheted a few winters ago, with snug light wash jeans and a pair of old snow boots to march in the layer of ice covering the ground- but his nose still suffers from the frigid temperatures.

He arrives at school a good twenty minutes before the first bell rings, and goes straight to Itachi's room. He had spent the night that Friday, and spent all the next day with him in his small apartment where they had kissed and gyrated in front of the TV and kissed again at the door when Naruto went home, understanding that whatever happened wouldn't carry on once they were outside, and it doesn't (_carry on, that is_).

The Uchiha is writing the lesson at the top of the chalk board, sleeves pushed up around his elbows.

"Morning," Naruto says, dumping his bag at his usual desk, and taking his place on the corner of Itachi's. He receives a smile from the elder, and marvels at how easy everything is with Itachi. Nothing is awkward, because neither party regrets or feels guilty.

"Good morning, Naruto,"

They don't say the things they probably should: what happened shouldn't happen again, we aren't exactly good for each other, we aren't in love, _blahblahblah_. But they really don't have to. Naruto can see Itachi doesn't want to encourage anything between them by the set of his shoulders, and Itachi can see that Naruto won't by the expression on his face. Naruto finds himself again asking why is can't be Itachi he's in love with.

"There's paint on your cheek," Itachi says, lifting a hand to rub Naruto's skin, "Were you out with Inuzuka again? Vandalizing private property?"

"Guilty. But the property seemed pretty public," the blonde drawls with a cat-like grin, letting his face get picked at.

"When did you two get so close?"

They look over to see Sasuke and a few other students entering the class. Itachi drops his hand (and that just makes it more suspicious because Sasuke's eyes zero in on the movement), and Naruto wanders back over to his desk without really answering, thinking it's best to just keep quiet. Neji comes in behind Sakura and Hinata, making a straight path to Naruto's desk.

"Are you still free this afternoon?" he asks, almost anxiously.

Naruto smiles; "I have plans, actually,"

The Hyuga visibly- and there's no other word for it- _deflates_, and it makes Naruto burst out in laughter, catching the attention of the generally soft speaking group congregating in the classroom.

"Neji, I've made plans with _you_,"

Neji's face tightens in a thin-lipped _pout_ once he realizes he's been teased, and Naruto only continues to giggle, patting his friend's arm consolingly.

"When did _you_ two get so close?" Sasuke growls out again, this time his attention directed at Neji.

Naruto refuses to examine the emotion that rushes up in his empty stomach, "I'm learning how to make new friends. I'm a big boy now," he says with a smile instead.

_New friends; different friends. Friends who are okay with making different decisions based off of their own desires, instead of worrying about what the others are doing. _As if they are guard dogs, Sakura and Sasuke take the seats in front of and behind his desk, not sitting next to each other for the first time since they started dating (_and no, it doesn't mean anything; they're still dating, they're still leaving me behind_).

"We can make new friends too, Naruto," Sakura says with a sweet grin, "You're going over to Neji's right? We'll come too! And we can invite Kiba and Shikamaru and all the others and" (_Does she even realize she's ruining my escape?_) "It'll be like a little party!"

Naruto and Neji make eye contact. The blonde frowns apologetically, and Neji does a brilliant job in hiding his chagrin.

The Hyuga entertainment room hasn't seen so many people in a while (or at least, that's what Neji says), but it is large enough to fit twice as many. V for Vendetta is playing on the large screen at the front of the room where only Shikamaru is sitting quietly (though it is more likely he is asleep than actually watching the movie), Sakura, Hinata, and TenTen are giggling loudly at the bar, sipping virgin Bloody Marys and nibbling on salty dipping chips, and Kiba, Sasuke, Lee, and Chouji were at the other end (on the _other_ TV) playing GTA 4.

Neji, after getting everyone settled, has made it his mission to get Naruto away from the noise, which isn't something the blonde is particularly opposed to, though it is a relief that Sasuke and Sakura aren't latched onto each other like they have been these past few weeks. (_Maybe they're realizing they aren't really in love; maybe they had their first fight and without __me there to help them through it, they'll fall apart; maybe Sakura has a crush on someone else or cheated on Sasuke; maybe… maybemaybe…_).

"You seem distracted," Neji brings Naruto out of his thinking (_wishful thinking_), leading him with a steady hand out onto the patio that's attached to the wreck room. They lean against the white railing, and Naruto takes in the wintry yard- still no heavy duty snowfall, but by the look of the clouds, it isn't far off.

"I've got a lot on my mind," it's easier to just agree.

"Oh?"

He wants Naruto to elaborate and takes a step closer in a serious manner, so when he dishes out his usual excuses, listlessly Naruto almost feels bad because Neji is so sincerely interested; "I still don't know what to do about college. And my gramps isn't ever home…,"

The brunet nods, like Naruto's shared some piece of his soul, and he wonders why it's so important. Neji reaches out casually, making putting his hand on the blonde's lower back look (feel) so natural. He feels the heat radiating from the pads of pale fingers through his cottony sweater to his flesh, sensitive there (as both he and Itchii had discovered). He imagines the warmth branding the skin there, five little circles, like cigarette burns. Neji's eyes seem to be smoldering, and Naruto finally thinks Neji might be coming on to him.

"Well, if you ever need-"

A scuffling noise, signaling someone stepping down the step and onto the porch, makes Neji cut himself off, and they look over their shoulders to see Sasuke standing awkwardly by the open entrance. It's obvious he knows he's interrupting.

"Sakura…" _Yes, Sakura; she sent you after me, didn't she?_ "She's starting a round of poker,"

Naruto frowns in disdain a little, stuck between wanting to rejoice that they cling to him and wanting to lament. Neji seems to agree with the later thought, leans closer so that he can whisper.

"Ah," Neji sighs, and Naruto can see Sasuke standing so still from the corner of his eye,"And here I had hoped to keep you all to myself for a while longer,"

Naruto laughs flirtatiously, his hand reaching out to Neji's arm, and Sasuke blinks in surprise.

"Uh," the Uchiha chokes out, and Naruto shakes his head at him.

"Easy there, Champ," he teases as he and Neji head back inside, "Heel,"

"Naruto," Neji says, his light tone a few notches deeper, more serious, "I'm not kidding," reaches over and kisses him- in front of everyone! (though only Sasuke is watching)- and Naruto can't help but think it isn't as sweet as Itachi's, "If you aren't too busy, I'd love to spend time with you again," the Hyuga smiles conspiratorially, "I'll put in a good word to my uncle for Kiba,"

Naruto laughs again, refusing to cast a look in Sasuke's direction, refusing to see what his face must look like, "Are you bribing me?"

"I am,"

"Then you leave me with no choice!"

Neji's smile turns a little more sincere, though still a bit sinister.

"That's the idea,"

…

_**He who cannot love must learn to flatter. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe**_

…

Naruto is- for the first time in weeks- sitting in Sasuke's bedroom playing _Uno_ with him. Or at least, he _had_ been playing _Uno_. Now, he's stuck, desperately wishing some great excuse to leave would miraculously crop out of the clean, white carpet, and he could wave a 'see ya!' as he runs off into the distance.

Because Sasuke had just asked- not three seconds ago- about his _thing_ with Neji.

And they never talk about Naruto's… _things_. No one else really bothers with it, but it is the one thing Sasuke has always been unable to make himself talk about. He is after all, before anything else, an average heterosexual male (And average heterosexual males are not comfortable with talking about homosexual counterparts that have spent the night in the same bed many times before). Whenever the topic arises by some accident, they always brush by it- especially with that first kiss between them when they were twelve hovering around (which Naruto hopes to god Sasuke has long forgotten; he had been stupid to kiss Sasuke like that- before he knew that his feelings would mean null in a few years). It doesn't bother Naruto any- talking about it will only cause more pain than it's worth.

"So… are you guys… dating?" the Uchiha tiptoes around his words, like he's afraid he'll step on some fatal social landmine.

They sit in silence, focused on each other but pretending to be focused on the card game, guesses of the next words filling the air around them with syrupy suspense. Naruto watches as Sasuke seem struggles with himself, probably regretting ever saying anything about it, and trying to come up with some way out. An odd thing since he's usually so sure of himself (_"You reek of confidence, but I really like that about you," Sakura says_).

Naruto lays down a Draw Two card and looks at Sasuke's face closely.

"No, we're not; but if we were?" (_So what?_)

Sasuke grows steadily more uncomfortable, shifting his weight around restlessly because he just doesn't know what to _do_ with himself.

"So has he… tried anything? On you, I mean,"

"No," he wants to get away with it, but the lie is obvious, and Sasuke isn't about to let it go. He has a thing with digging for the truth when he knows it's being kept from him. (_Imagine if he ever catches wind of how many lies I've gotten away with, of how I feel_).

"If he ever-"

"Look. Sasuke," Naruto says his name deliberately, firmly, "He hasn't tried anything I'm exactly opposed to,"

The Uchiha is speechless, _Uno_ forgotten. "You barely know him, idiot-"

"I'm_ getting _to know him. That's the point of making new-"

"Making new what? Friends? Or fuck buddies?" Sasuke snaps, and doesn't let Naruto interrupt, "Listen. I've known him for a long time. He's a decent guy usually, but give him power over another person, and he exploits it. He uses people, hurts them. He did it to TenTen, he did it to that Gaara guy, and he'll do it to you,"

"I just don't want you getting hurt-" (_But I _am_ hurt, Sasuke. I am hurt, and you don't know it, but it's all your fault, and you'll never do a thing about it. Even if you did somehow find out, you would just run away because you don't like not being in control, and my feelings compromise that control because it makes you feel _uncomfortable_. Sorry- there are just some things in your life that you can't make perfect. Everything would be perfect if I didn't like guys, if I didn't love you. Hell- _my_ life would be perfect if I didn't love you. I might actually be able to enjoy my time with Neji. But I can't because __all I can fucking think about is you. Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke all day long in this whiny little voice_).

"Well, it's none of your business!" Naruto shoots back, not entirely sure why he's defending Neji so fiercely. Maybe he is just trying to focus all of his energy on something besides the warmth in his stomach from Sasuke being so worried about him (_Please stop caring; no, wait- don't!_).

"_Please_, Naruto,"

Naruto looks up into the dark eyes of his best friend; they are concerned, like Sakura's had been when she asked if he was mad at them. (_And because no matter how hard you try, Naruto, you just can't say no to him_);

"Okay," he whispers, defeated.

Needless to say, Naruto cancels his plans with Neji.

…

_Updates once a week, and I encourage you to ask any questions you may have. They will be answered via PM._

_Cannibal_.


	3. The smile

**We Three**

_Did you know that touching God's servants is a sin? _

_The Bible says so._

…

Naruto wakes up Tuesday morning well before his alarm clock, and turns it off before it'll trigger. He rolls himself into a sitting position, his downy blanket in his lap, his back resting against a cold white wall. He stares at the four walls- plain all except for a single shelf mounted about his bed's head where an old baseball and a picture of his parents sit. He looks down at his hands, still speckled with stray black paint from his last outing with Kiba. He really needs to stop going out to late on weekdays because it's starting to effect his performance at school, and what a nerdy thing coming out of his mouth when he really doesn't care much for school anymore.

There are half empty spray paint cans resting next to Naruto's dresser, and kicked in the corner in front of his closet door. He feels the inkling of an idea coming, as he gets dressed, as he gives a half-assed smile and wave, as he climbs into Sasuke's car (_because I'm running out of excuses to not ride with them anymore; my lies have all gotten away from me_). His bed room walls are so white, he thinks as they pass the neighborhoods, the buildings, the alleyways- splashed in an endless spectrum of slang and curse words and gangs claiming territories with sloppy signs. They tell of life and experience and teenage rebellion. They pull into the school parking lot and Sasuke hadn't even cut the engine before Naruto jumps out, thoughts swirling with excitement.

"Gotta go talk to Itachi about something!" he calls over his shoulder, yanking his scarf tighter around his neck, tightening his grip on his bag, and trying not to slip on the piles of layered snow.

The halls are empty, as they usually are this early, and Naruto has grown used to the sight, what with sneaking around when he knows he won't run into Sasuke and Sakura being all… _together_.

"Itachi!" Naruto dashes to the Uchiha's room, calling his name before he's even grabbed the door frame to pivot himself inside.

The man looks from behind the screen for the overhead projector, an eyebrow quirked.

"Do you know of any good art shops around here? Like, good ones that aren't too expensive,"

"Well," Itachi says, coming to his at his desk, a coffee mug in hand (much for toned down than the one Naruto knows he drinks from at home), "There is a place next to Haku's Café, called ANBU that's owned by a…"

Naruto is already running out the door, and Itachi smiles, sighs. He slumps back in his chair, allowing a moment of relaxation, reflecting fondly on his little blonde. Naruto sprints through the mostly deserted halls, his footsteps reverberating loudly against the metal rows of lockers and hiccuping lights above his head. He takes the hall ways away from the parking lot so that he exits the school on the opposite side, not wanting to risk getting seen by anyone. He passes the blonde girl in his Mythology class, Ino, and Gaara smoking up a hot cloud above their heads, melting the drifting snow before it can fall in their hair; passes the statue of Konoha's first mayor, Senju Hashirama, he once helped Kiba spray paint a bright red bikini on; tears away from the high school, and skids to a halt behind Ichiraku's to catch his breath, throat stinging from the cold.

And he can actually see the shop in his minds eye: a dinky little two-story on the corner of 6th and Hagler with a drooping door frame, illuminated by a dim green street light; he's passed it and the café countless times while on his way to meet Kiba at their usual alley (which is turning into a masterpiece if anyone asks Naruto- not that anyone _will_).

A row of street lights- bent from the wind and weather, much like the people that walk beneath them- leads Naruto to his destination, and he follows them up the street, exhaling harder than normal just to watch his breath create a thin fog, drift up, and disappear into the breeze. There is a jingling noise from the window on the second floor of the art place- a mounted wind chime- that catches his attention. The blonde pauses to stare at the tinkling beads and stones, before forcing himself to approach.

The sign above the door isn't crooked, but the paint is chipped and cracked, making the bold red ANBU ART title look worse than it actually is. The bell above the door lets out a soft brassy chime as it swings behind him,

The front desk is unoccupied, so he wanders around the narrow aisles, impressed by the amounts of paint colors and types of brushes. It is clean and quirky inside, something Naruto hadn't expected. He stops to look at the glass, cut into shapes- animals, symbols, letters. Stained glass makers. Glass blown vases, paper weights. He thinks he remembers seeing one of those weights on Itachi's bedside table.

"Can I help you?"

Naruto lets out a startled gasp and jumps, whirling around at the voice that came from so closely behind him, almost knocking into the shelves of fragile glass. A man stands there, probably a few years his senior, and for a split second, Naruto thinks he might be looking at Sasuke. But the man is smiling, has shorter hair, and seems- if possible- paler.

"Uh- no. I was just… Just looking around,"

The man's smile widens.

"Have you ever been to an art store before?"

"No," Naruto answers honestly, fidgeting a little, wondering what he should ask this man and eager to learn about this little world. He looks back up at the shelves, taking in the vast index of colors and tools. He can't imagine what one would need all of them for.

"I thought you had that virginal air about you," Naruto hears the man state thoughtfully, simply.

Naruto whips his head back to the man, gaping at him. Did he just say…

"_Virginal_?"

The man just nods; "Art virgin. Do you even know what a paint brush is?"

Naruto sputters, taking a step back as the pale male advances one.

"Of course I do!"

"Of course, of course," he mutters, a long thin finger coming up to stroke his smooth looking chin thoughtfully. He circles around Naruto like a vulture, and Naruto twists his head around this and that way to keep up with the slow strut.

"A little thin, short, loud…" Naruto scowls, standing up straighter and clenching his teeth, "…high pitched voice, but still somehow somewhat cute. You're either dickless or a girl,"

"I am _not_ a girl!"

"Dickless it is, then,"

Naruto feels himself flush red with embarrassment at the leering flat, black eyes. This guy is a total creep.

"I am _not_-"

"A girl? Yes, I don't know what I was thinking," Naruto seethes as the man circles around his front again, "So. What are you doing in my shop if you don't know the first thing about art, Dickless?"

Naruto lets his first comment slide and stares at him in open surprise. _This_ guy is the owner? What did Itachi had called it? Sai's ANBU Art? Is this Sai, then? Naruto looks the man over. He can't be any more than 24 or so, maybe a little younger than Itachi, and if that's the case, how has he come to owning an entire business himself? He's wearing loose fitting gray jeans, a black sweater, and a paint and watermark covered apron; how had Naruto not noticed he worked here in the beginning?

"Well, actually…" Naruto shuffles his feet, looking again to the shelves, "I got this urge to paint my room, and a uh. Friend. Of mine told me about this place. So I decided to pop in and see what you've got,"

"Then, I might be able to help you, Dickless-"

Okay. That is _not_ cool.

"My name is not…! Not- it's _Naruto_!"

The man laughs, his smile losing it's strained edge, and holds out a hand. Hesitantly, Naruto takes it only to quickly regret it as his shoulder is yanked around in a vigorous handshake. He tries to pry himself away and finds his hand to be taken hostage.

"Nice to meet you, Naruto. I am Sai," so he is Sai, Naruto thinks as _Sai_ finally relinquishes his hold on the boy, smiling pleasantly. Sai turns back to the shelf nearest to him where he begins straightening out the rows of canvases. Naruto watches him. This Sai is _weird_.

"So you, uh- own this shop,"

"That's right,"

"Are you an artist?"

Sai looks back to the blonde, smiling just as sweetly as ever.

"Only an idiot would ask that question,"

Naruto doesn't get offended much because he's used to being teased by Kiba a lot, but he can't help getting irritated.

"Right," he muttered, "Anyway… I was wondering if you could help me pick out the right kind of paint; I've never done it before, so I don't want to mess up, you know?"

"How can you mess up putting color on a wall?"

Naruto feels heat rising up his neck, and he scratches the base of his hairline to chase away the feeling; "I uh-"

"Idiot,"

It reminds Naruto of Sasuke, something he finds totally unwelcome, so he can't do anything but stare flatly at Sai, feeling too suddenly drained of the good energy he's slowly built up that morning to force himself to get riled up or laugh it off.

"Right," he repeats, and Sai actually frowns a little, "Right. Uh, I was wondering what kind of paint works best on walls,"

"Interior paint,"

Naruto wants to smack himself because, _Duh_, interior paint. But, come on! How is he supposed to know all that?

"I- I knew that," Naruto stutters, and flushes even more because he looks even more like a dumb ass, "Where… where do I find it?"

Sai straightens up, done pretending to fix up the shelves, and points upward, a sarcastic smile back on his face. Naruto follows his finger tip to the ceiling where a series of blue signs hang at the beginning of each isle, "Can you read, Dickless Naruto?"

Naruto makes an angry noise in the back of his throat, and roughly pushes past Sai for the isle with his paint. It's near the back, and when he gets there he's amazed by the amount of choices. Every color he can think of, and more he hasn't ever heard of- what the hell is _gamboge_? Or _Caput Mortuum_? He stands there for a long while, trying to decide what he wants. What is he going to paint anyway? Not another freaking portrait of Sakura and Sasuke (Kiba might not have said anything, but it's still embarrassing that that's what he unconsciously chose to cover the entire wall of their alley- a huge picture of his two best friends glaring down at him).

_How about, wherever the brush leads me_, the blonde decides, hesitantly reaching for a can of a golden yellow. He drops his hand halfway there with a sigh.

"You don't even know what colors you want?"

Naruto looks up at the mocking employee (_employer_?) with a tight pull to the corner of his mouth. What is with this guy?

"I'm kind of just going with whatever catches my eye. A friend of mine told me it's more fun that way," Naruto defends himself, thinking of Kiba and how he had been so relaxed with a paint can in his hand, white mask covering his mouth and nose. The mental image got him thinking.

"By the way, do you have paints that aren't super... fume-y?" He asks, finally deciding to just go with the yellow. He picks the can up by its wire handle and inspects it at a closer range.

"I'd tell you to look at the label on the can, but now I know you can't read, Dickless,"

The blonde finally spins to face the man, temper rearing.

"Hey!" Naruto snaps, marching up and shoving a finger in the taller male's chest, "What do you get off on, being a total jerk to me? I'm a paying customer!"

"Your point?" Sai asks, one eyebrow raised.

"Just shut up and let my buy some paint," Naruto growls, throwing a hand up in frustration, and choosing to ignore Sai for the remainder of his color hunting. He eventually settles with the yellow, choral, a green that reminds him of Sakura's eyes, baby blue, and black before scanning the paint brush isle and picking out a few different sizes. Sai just smiles the entire time he checks him out at the register.

"Enjoy," he says to Naruto's back as he leaves.

_Finally_.

When Naruto rounds the corner to the back parking lot of his apartments, he is surprised to see the familiar forest green Tahoe in his number's spot. There's no one in it, but that doesn't dissuade Naruto's excitement. He sprints off to the entrance, almost ready to drop his bags- paint, supplies, book bag, and all-, leaps up the stairs three at a time, and smashes the door open barely sparing enough time to get his key in and turn the knob.

"Jiraiya!" he calls, heart hammering up and down his throat.

He sees the white-haired old man enter the front parlor a big, slightly surprised grin on his face, arms opening wide when he realizes just who is coming through the door. Naruto dashes forward, really dropping his stuff this time, and is embraced in a crushing hug.

"Hey kiddo, shouldn't you be in school?" he says in his gruff voice that reminds Naruto of afternoon drives with the windows down, bad country songs blaring out of the old static-riddled speakers when he was a little kid. Naruto can smell him- sweat from the long drive, cigarettes, and perfume from some nameless woman he's been with. It brings tears to his eyes, and if Jiraiya wasn't holding him so tightly, he might have been embarrassed. "Missed you, Gramps," he mumbles in the folds of Jiraiya's jacket- still cold. He just got here.

Jiraiya pulls away to study his face, and Naruto knows he's starting to feel bad for staying gone so long. Naruto knows his gramps is a free spirit type- never wants to stay still for too long- so he can't blame him for going, but it still gets lonely.

"You been playin' hooky?" he teases, rubbing his knuckles in the top of Naruto's head, messing up his hair even more than it originally, and always is.

"Just today," Naruto answers honestly, but Jiraiya grins fondly, probably remembering his own school days, as well as Naruto's father's.

"You hungry?" the old man asks, pulling away to set his mothy beige duffel bag on the small kitchen table.

Naruto nods, and grabs his stuff from the floor to take to his room; "Ichiraku!" he demands and even though he hears Jiraiya groan from the living room, he knows that's where they're going.

"So was your trip at least profitable?" Naruto asks, blowing on a hot wad of pork ramen noodles.

"Yeah, got another book out,"

By book, he means raunchy comics that cover the entire porn industry- from jail bait cat-girls to hairy men on hairy men to incest to cheesy romantic first times. _Well-written_ raunchy comics, at least. They would be in trouble if Jiraiya wasn't so popular and their living expenses kept to an average middle class.

"Tell me what you've been up to, brat," he changes the subject, taking a deep gulp of his warm honey tea.

Naruto fidgets in his seat, trying to come up with what he's going to say in order to skim over his general misery of the past month.

"Well, Sasuke and Sakura finally got together a few weeks ago," he begins.

"You're kidding!" Jiraiya says with a shake of his head and a chuckle, "I'll hafta congratulate them,"

"Yeah," Naruto chokes out simply, not knowing what else to say about it, not _wanting_ to say anything about it, "And Kiba and I have been going spray painting which is totally cool. He's got these ropes he rigs up on roofs of like. Five-story buildings so he can scale the walls and get way high up! And I've been hanging out with Neji and Itachi..."

He trails off, because he can't help but think about the Uchiha as he says his name, which is bad in this situation because there is _nowayinhell_ he's ever telling Jiraiya he had sex (_multiple times)_ with Uchiha Itachi. Jiraiya isn't one to judge or freak out, but he's definitely one to be nosy, and the last thing Naruto wants is Jiraiya calling up Itachi to _talk_ about it. "When do you think you'll be leaving town again?" he asks instead, genuinely curious. Jiraiya's dark brown eyes soften as he gazes at his grandson, and he wraps a warm arm around the younger's shoulder.

"Not for a while," he says, voice gravely with emotion.

Naruto leans into the half embrace, once again feeling the need to cry.

He smiles weakly instead.

…

"_**All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love," -Leo Tolstoy  
><strong>_

…

Naruto smiles as he breaks through the packaging that cocoons his new paint brushes. He holds a thick wooden handle in his hand, smooth, splinter free, and just feels the weight of it in his hand, dreaming up all the things he'll be able to do with just one brush. A splatter of black here, a spiral of choral there. He runs his finger tips over the edge of the little fibers- a special nylon that won't fall out as he uses them- their soft ends tickling the pads of his fingers. He knows they'll be stained after even the first use, but Naruto almost wishes the hairs on the brush will stay the clean, crisp white. He's almost scared to ruin them.

He takes the golden yellow paint, opens it and dips a large brush in the liquid. Slowly, Naruto stands up and sizes his wall up. He grins.

Pulls his arm back and slashes the wet brush in a big arch. He does it again and again, loosing count of how many times he dips into the paint. His carpet becomes dotted with yellow and it squishes between his toes when he moves to another portion to put a blotch of light blue.

"Naruto!" he hears Jiraiya call from the livingroom, and thinking it's another funny All State commercial on TV he wants him to see, Naruto sets the brushes aside on the paint lidsand moves to his door, "Sasuke's here!"

"_Ohfuck_," he blurts- like a reflex, _because it's so engrained that Sasuke is dangerdangerdanger_- hisses under his breath, and something that's most likely his heart leaps up with enough force to break his teeth. He looks to his slightly ajar door, to the cracked window across the room, wonders if he has enough time to just crawl out of it and down the fire escape, even if he is barefooted; it can't be more than just a few steps, his room is so small, it would be-

"Dobe,"

_Ohfuck_.

Naruto casually pushes the bag and paint buckets from ANBU's away so that it's mostly covered by his bed, and he wonders why he feels the need to keep it a secret (_Because there's so little places you're safe from him; this and the alley way with Kiba when it's freezing at two am are your only hidey-holes, and Itachi's place only counts when you're too caught up to know it doesn't_). "Hey," the blonde finally says after an obvious period of silence. He half stands to get to his bed and Sasuke follows suit. It's the first time in a month they've sat here alone. Naruto smiles, sees the picture of his parents beside the picture of him and his two best friends in their black, dusty frames over Sasuke's shoulder and the smile slips a little.

Naruto finally meets Sasuke's eyes and he instantly knows he's in trouble.

"Where'd you disappear to after the bell?" the brunet demands. Naruto swallows.

"I was feeling really sick, so I decided to just catch a bus and go home," he never takes the bus, even when he _is_ sick because public transportation freaks him out and makes him nauseous, but he hasn't told anyone that- it's unreasonable behavior and his last psychologist (after his parents died) said that it was a sign of neurosis.

Sasuke scowls; "So you told Itachi you were leaving, but not us?" _Not me_?

Naruto is too relieved that his and Itachi's lies are consistent to read into Sasuke's irritated reactions. And seriously, why is his friend getting to so mad anyway? It isn't the first time Naruto's just skipped out of school due to a stomach bug- and hardly the last. What does Itachi have to do with it? Sasuke narrows his dark gaze on the blonde, looking frustrated, like he wants to say something but doesn't know how. Naruto hopes he never learns, because whatever it is, it can only be danger-danger for him.

"You've been avoiding us,"

"Don't be stupid-" Naruto rushes out with a chuckle, but Sasuke beats him to it.

"You're the one being stupid. You're making Sakura worry. She says you've lost weight,"

"She's imagining things," Naruto says flippantly, falling back onto his mattress to stretch his back. Sasuke lies down on his side, and Naruto can see himself reaching out (_so close_) to feel those long black bangs, those cheeks roughened with stubble now because they've long since hit puberty, those thinly pulled lips, but tightens his fists in white sheets instead (_longing, because I'm always longing, will always be longing; so close soclosesoclose_). And it'd be so easy to just beg Sasuke to forget Sakura for this one second, to cry and kiss anda_ndand..._

"Why are you being so distant?" Sasuke asks softly, in a rare voice of vulnerability, and Naruto _has_ to look away.

He laughs, scratches the back of his neck, mind racing for something-anything to dish out as an excuse; "I just feel like a third wheel, man," he says with an apologetic smile, "Figured you'd want some space to explore your uh. Relationship. I'm getting used to it,"

_Lie to myself and say lying to you is easy._

Sasuke mulls over Naruto's answer, and Naruto thinks he might be buying into it (_Please just buy it, so you can leave me the fuck alone_).

"You don't have to do that," and then, for good measure, "Idiot,"

But instead of seeing Sasuke's intense eyes, Naruto's mind wanders to that little art shop where Sai had called him the exact same thing, and if Naruto keeps himself from blinking so that his vision goes blurry from drying out and watering at the same time, it's less painful. Naruto blinks his world into clarity again, and finds Sasuke staring at him quizzically.

"You've been weird,"

"I'm always weird," Naruto replies without missing a beat, though his voice sounds hoarse. He clears his throat, blames it on all the cold air he's breathed lately.

"Have you been sleeping?"

"Yeah,"

_The NyQuil really helps_.

Naruto is about to dismiss his friend, make up some excuse to leave- Kiba, hell, _Neji_- but Sasuke does that thing with his eyebrow when there's a piece of hair from his bangs tickling him, and Naruto just loses himself watching.

"You've still got your DVD hooked up?" Sasuke asks, not really needing an answer, "Let's watch a movie,"

"What about Sakura?" It's out of his mouth before he can stop it, but it doesn't sound strange, and Sasuke doesn't pick up on the honest hostility behind the question (_Thank god; Cutting it close tonight, aren't you kid? What happened to those rules of yours you chant to yourself like a mantra?_).

"She's got an AP Biology test to study,"

This is bad.

"So, _Troll 2_?" Naruto forces himself to say, sounding mechanically distant, staring up at his ceiling. He should go buy some glow in the dark paint next and paint stars around his ceiling fan.

So they plop down on the couch in the living room, Jiraiya going to his own room after telling Sasuke how happy he is about him and Sakura, a bag of popcorn the only thing between them. Naruto is grateful for it, glad he can't feel Sasuke's body heat. He tries to focus on the movie.

"I never figured out why it's called _Troll 2_ when it has nothing to do with trolls or the supposed _Troll 1,_"

"No one ever figured that out. If it was any good, would we even be watching it?"

"True," Naruto mutters, munching on some buttery popcorn. It's so easy to slide back in the groove of things, back when he knew Sasuke would _one day_ be taken. It's different when he actually _is_ taken. And Naruto can't help but hate himself, because he's acting like one of those depressed _girls_, whining and crying about some boy and love, and he'd feel so stupid if he wasn't already feeling so much like shit.

They sit in silence, which is fine for Naruto because now he doesn't have to pay attention- he can immerse himself in the crappy 90s movie.

"Hey, Naruto,"

It's said so softly, Naruto thinks it's his imagination at first. He looks over at his friend, who is fixedly staring at him, searching him, picking him apart. They're sitting closer than the blonde realized.

"Do you think... I'm a bad person?"

_What_?

Naruto raises his eyebrows.

"Do _you _think you're a bad person?" he chooses to say instead; a safer route than any other.

"Maybe I am," Sasuke finally replies seriously. Naruto looks up at him carefully, confused, curious. Sasuke looks tired.

"What do you mean? You're not an ass hole or anything,"

"The newness of our relationship is wearing off. I don't know if I can keep Sakura happy,"

Naruto feels his face twist into a pained smile and has to look back at the TV screen where Joshua is running away from a hairy Goblin. (_No, no, no- you're having this conversation with the wrong person. Please don't go there. Please don't ask me for advice. I don't want to tell you how to make it last_).

"That's ridiculous. All you have to do is smile at her, and Sakura's on cloud nine all day long," Naruto laughs, looking down at his lap, feeling a great pressure in the bridge of his nose as if he's about to cry or sneeze, "Sakura loves you," (_I love you_).

He hears the Uchiha sigh and throw himself back into the couch cushions, unguarded. Unaware. (_Dangerous_).

"Do you think we'll work out?"

Naruto swallows (his pride, his feelings, because there they are! _Remember- rules 1, 2, 3_).

"Do you want it to work out with Sakura? I mean, we've still got college to look forward to. This doesn't have to be permanent- you could both just look at someone one day and bam- it's over," (_Look at me, Sasuke. Please just look this way_).

"I don't know. She's the only girl in my life that I've ever been attracted to. But I don't think that's enough-" (_So break up with her-_) "Sometimes I think, if you suddenly decided to sweep her off her feet, she'd fall for you. You know exactly what to say to make her smile,"

_Haha_.

"Hey- don't think that. It's only because she's like my sister. And look at…," Naruto glances back at his lap, mouth still open, trying to get his next words out, tongue suddenly feeling itchy and ridiculously heavy, "-at us. I get you because you're like my brother. If you knew everything about each other it would take part of the mystery out,"

He finally gets his nerve to make eye-contact and wishes he hadn't. Their eyes lock, and Naruto really hopes Sasuke isn't analyzing him as much as it looks like.

Slowly, Sasuke sits up straighter and takes Naruto by the shoulder. He tugs him back down so that they lay parallel, facing each other, foreheads touching. Naruto's face and eyes burn. It doesn't matter to Sasuke that he's practically cuddling with his gay friend, his friend and not his girlfriend, because...- but Naruto doesn't even know why Sasuke would do this, and his brain stopped working a long time ago.

"Sometimes you know me so well I feel like we're the same person," Sasuke whispers, his hot breath tickling over the blonde's nose, and Naruto can count on one hand how many times he's been this close to the Uchiha, "I don't know what I'd do without you,"

It's barely six o'clock in the evening but not a second later, Sasuke's eyes slide shut, fast asleep- from sleep deprivation, the blonde knows. Sasuke often stays up all night studying to maintain those perfect scores. Naruto watches his friend through wide, wide eyes as he breathes deeply in and out, begging himself for some calm. A whimper escapes Naruto's tightly strangled throat and quietly, he lets the water that had been building up in his eyes spill over.

Not bothering to wipe away the mess on his face, Naruto lurches away from Sasuke, stands gasping for breath, but he guesses the oxygen molecules must have decided to vacation somewhere else because he's not getting nearly enough. He looks from the couch where that damn boy lies, to his bedroom, to Jiraiya's closed bedroom door. And yeah, it's anything but subtle, but who on _earth_ expects Naruto to just be able to _stay_?

He swiftly streams through the living room and to his own room where he pulls on a jacket and some beaten up Chucks, throws his window open and is swallowed up in the freezing air and white flurries of snow. It is darker than any other night he's been out- even for the early hour-, but the path he takes is well-known to him. He doesn't think about what Sasuke will think when he finds him gone as he raps on Itachi's door, or what excuse he'll have to come up with when he throws his jacket to the floor, wet, and drags Itachi by the hair into a heated, too-brutal-to-really-be-a-kiss kiss, or how many times he'll have to apologize to Jiraiya for leaving his window unlocked and leaving without saying anything while he continues to strip, so so glad that Itachi is nice enough to help him, to join him. And the _last_ thing on his mind is how Sasuke's body- his stomach, his knees, his hair- felt, so gently resting against his own on that ratty old couch that his parents once lay on as well, honest. He's too busy drowning in the litany of "_Ohyesohyes, there,_"s, too busy feeling how much rougher with him Itachi is this time, all biting and wrist gripping. He can think about the bruises, kiss his soul better, hide the evidence later.

"Hey, thanks for earlier," Naruto whispers from the layers of pretend and blankets covering him all the way over his bare shoulders and to his chin, "You know, telling Sasuke and Sakura I was sick,"

Itachi just turns over to face him, and Naruto admires his masculine beauty. He wonders, for the millionth time, why they can't be in love with each other.

"Don't make a habit of skipping school," he scolds lightly, enveloping Naruto in the curve of his arm so he can play with the soft yellowy strands that defiantly stand from Naruto's head.

"Yessir," he mumbles tiredly, closing his eyes and hoping that if he falls asleep fast enough, Itachi won't tell him to go home (it is a school night and Jiraiya will be upset).

"Just this once," Itachi mumbles, settled, as if reading Naruto's thoughts. Just this once, because they can't get comfortable even if it's for the sake of comfort. Who will care if they're seen coming to school together? They're practically family.

Naruto allows himself to completely relax, his body feeling like putty, a soft ache in all the right places that makes him want to purr. He is drifting off when he feels something cold slide onto his thumb. He cracks his eyes open to the Uchiha's crimson stare glowing back at him. An odd looking ring rests around his finger.

"I got it when I was in Akatsuki,"

The gang?

Naruto studies it in the dark, taking in the color and the symbol; "Why red?"

But Itachi just smiles secretively, and pulls Naruto's arm and leg around him, drawing closer their shared warmth, and even if they've already spent their bodies, Naruto still feels a spark at the friction that small.

"Be sure not to tell anyone where you got it. It would ruin my perfect reputation,"

Naruto grins,

"Of course,"

The act of giving him his ring isn't a promise or a confession or even affection. It's more like a memento, an apology. A parting gift, because this is his quiet way of telling Naruto they probably shouldn't do this anymore. Naruto understands, but it still leaves him feeling a little colder that night.

…

"_**Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." –Francois de La Rochefoucauld**_

…

Naruto is late getting to his Mythology class (he had lagged around so that he could ask if the ring Itachi gave him would tarnish in water and was forced to give Sasuke an excuse to his disappearance the night before- something with the words 'Kiba' and 'emergency' in it) so Gai Sensei is already writing out the topic of the day on the board. The only empty seat left is close to the back, beside Gaara and Ino. He takes it, offering a small smile to Ino. It's the closest he's been to her in years, and the difference in who she is now and what his memory has been supplying is huge. Ino's face, once only soft with girlish expressions, is sharply cut- all smirk and wit. Her blue eyes are bloodshot, from her presumed drug-use, and her long blonde hair is dry and butchered in uneven cuts that she piles in a messy bun behind her right ear. Naruto's heard she changed when her mom walked out on her and her dad, around the same time she and Sakura stopped being friends.

She smiles in reply, her red painted lips pulling into an oddly attractive almost-sneer.

Naruto glances back up at the board where Gai is writing away.

_The Seven Deadly Sins_.

He knows most of them, he thinks. (_Because I'm a sinner_). He tries to count them off in his head; There's Pride and Sloth and Greed and Lust and-

"Envy,"

Naruto starts, jerking his head away from where he had been doodling on the corner of his paper. Ino is grinning widely at him, and Gaara watches silently.

"What?" he asks.

"Envy," she whispers again, in a surprisingly gritty voice, deep and mature, reminding Naruto why most women scare him, "You're an envious little monster,"

Naruto doesn't know what to say to the blonde; his tongue feels like it has rolled up to snuggle against his tonsils; "I don't..."

"You think no one notices? You think I don't see you staring at them everyday with a look that only shows on the face of a starving man?"

He feels like the world is flooding to black, can feel the floor folding up and around him, forcing him to stay in his seat.

"Sasuke and Sakura, I mean," Ino pushes on, like she doesn't care that these words will make Naruto panic because she obviously knows, (_How could she possibly know?_) "Your best friends right? Or _were_ your best friends. Now you're just Envy. Or maybe you're Gluttony, feeding off of the punishment," she smiles as if proud of her analysis, "You'll get fat if you're not careful,"

It's the last thing she says to him, but Naruto is gone the rest of the class. His body feels like on big heart, pulsing too quickly and frantically, his breathing a roar to his ears. He wants to throw up. He wants to run, to hide, to forget everything (his stupid feelings, this stupid class, Ino, and especially especially _especially_ Sasuke). He vaguely sees Gai Sensei's lips moving, and maybe he's addressing Naruto, but the blonde doesn't care, _can't_ care.

And like all those weeks ago when he was at Tammy's Diner and felt in his very bones that he needed to leave, Naruto feels it gripping him, caging him and making it impossible to sit still. (_Please please please I want out_).

He's vacated campus before the bell to dismiss class finishes ringing.

Naruto pulls his cell from his back pocket; "_stomach hurts going home luv u_" to Sakura. He only pauses after sending it, debating on where he can go. He would go home, sleep his terror off, but he might run into Jiraiya again, and he really doesn't want his gramps worrying (and it'd be impossible for Naruto pull himself together soon enough in case they did happen to meet up). So he follows the snow covered sidewalk to ANBU Ink.

He hasn't had a chance to really start working on his bedroom, having only bought the paint yesterday, but he's determined to work on the project as soon as possible. He wants to get glow in the dark paint and those plastic stars you can stick to the walls and ceiling with that sticky putty stuff, and it's the first time in a while Naruto is actually excited about something. Though spray-painting with Kiba did always give him a rush.

The tiny shop looks exactly as it did before, just a little more snowed in. The front desk, like last time, is vacant, so Naruto takes it upon himself to wander around. He looks for the special paint and even the stars, but doesn't feel rushed to get them just yet. When he gets to the last isle and is walking up the back side of the store, Naruto catches sight of a door labeled 'employees only'. It is cracked open, orange light spilling onto the smooth concrete floor.

He doesn't even hesitate before stepping inside (following instructions hasn't exactly been his strongest point).

It is a gallery. Cramped all along the walls with canvases, some finished works, others not. It momentarily takes Naruto's breath away, seeing all of the different types of art, but he only sees one signature in the room and it's at the bottom of each piece. Sai is cornered in a small section of the room from all sides by piles of paint bottles and brushes and paper. Naruto squeezes his way down a narrow path, trying to avoid the precarious looking towers of stuff.

"You're amazing," he says quietly, catching Sai's attention before the brunet hastily looks back at his painting of a large white tiger with a mermaid. It's a strange combination, but Naruto finds it extraordinary.

"Thank you,"

"You painted all of these? It must have taken forever,"

"I've had a long time to collect them. Most of them are things I've scrapped, but too attached to to throw out,"

"You shouldn't!" Naruto exclaims, and Sai raises his eyebrows at him. The blonde doesn't feel embarrassed by his passionate vocalization, because that's just how he feels, so he smiles, glad that Sai seems to be in a much more agreeable mood this time (like not calling him Dickless and being an ass).

"Where does your inspiration come from?" Naruto asks, trying to keep the conversation going. He likes Sai in a weird way, wouldn't mind getting to know him even.

"I dream a lot," is all he says, and Naruto accepts it, "Shouldn't you be in school?"

It is a harmless question, but it ruins any good feeling Naruto has in him. He shakes his head, unable to talk, and doesn't care whether or not Sai sees. _Envy, Glutton_, Ino said. He shivers. She's right of course. Naruto frowns, watching Sai make blod black streaks in the top corner of the painting. He needs to talk to Ino tomorrow (_to find out what she knows, what she might tell people, what she wants because it's just too dangerous, and even though Naruto feels like throwing up again, he'll have to speak to her __anyway_). But that's tomorrow, hours away, and now he can just pretend none of that exists. Here, in this little art shop, he can forget the outside and all it's trouble.

"Can I work here?" he blurts out, but he can't help it, because he _needs_ a reason to hide here.

"No,"

Funny how a single word can suck the breath out of him.

Naruto feels himself deflate.

"Why?" Sai asks after the silence.

"Because I want to," Naruto settles, then crossing his fingers, carries on, "If I can learn everything to run this place by the end of the week, can I?"

"Today is Thursday,"

"I can do it," he insists.

Sai puts his paintbrush down, his trademark freaky smile back in place.

"Okay, Dickless,"

Naruto's too happy to even comment on that terrible name.

And it comes to him easier than Naruto could have hoped. Sai explains everything: how to work the ancient cash register (it locks up sometimes and has to be wedged open with a butter knife), where the supply closet is in case of a paint spill or glass breaking, when rush hour is (which is really hard to imagine in this part of Konoha, but apparently Sai has over four dozen regulars and even more contract holders that order paint from him), the store's hours (9a to 7p, Mondays through Saturdays);

"But you'll work from three thirty in the afternoon to closing to fit around school. On Saturdays, we'll see. You can start off by working the shift after lunch," Sai explains while handing Naruto an old periwinkle colored apron with ANBU emblazoned over the right chest pocket.

So Naruto stays until closing, even helping a little old lady pick out pieces for the wind chime she's making and checking her items out while Sai finishes up his painting in the back. It's busy enough that Naruto can stop thinking and just enjoy the feeling of getting something accomplished (something that sleeping with Itachi never gave him).

_I can breathe_.


	4. The spit

**We Three**

_Zero weight. Zero mass. Zero existence._

_Give it to me._

…

Neither Ino nor Gaara are in second block that day, but Naruto isn't discouraged because they are often absent, especially in the morning hours of the school day. When the bell rings at the end of Mythology, Gai Sensei dismissing them with an anecdote on his personal experiences with Cupid, the blonde bypasses the flow of teens headed to the cafeteria and works his way to the little spot between the Field House and dumpsters- attempting to not be seen by a teacher or anyone that sits at Sasuke and Sakura's lunch table (_Not yours anymore, because you try with all your might to never be there_). He knows he's found them when he sees a cloud of gray smoke drifting above the large, dark green garbage cans.

"Hey," he says loudly- too loudly, because his voice box is jittery with nerves-, to grab their attention when he rounds the corner of the dumpster, "Uh, Ino?"

The girl's sunken, glassy blue eyes stare into him, a chapped lipped smile directed towards somewhere above his head, and the earlier confidence (that was never really there before) seeps out of the soles of his snow boots, melting the hard snow into a circular puddle. He takes in her pale face and wonders if he isn't really looking at his own reflection.

"It's the glutton," she finally replies in the lilting tones of her always surprisingly rough tenor.

"Uh," is all the blonde can think to say. Gaara continues to work his cigarette for all it's worth- and Naruto can empathize, because Jiraiys is the same way with hoe expensive they are- without acknowledging the world around him. Not the smell of cheap menthol and trash, not the sharp gusts of early December wind. His sea green eyes bare into him like the day before, when Ino was throwing Deadly Sins at him (_and she still is_).

"Listen," he forces out, not sounding captivating at all and entirely unsure how he's supposed to ask Ino if she'll keep quiet about what she knows (if she even knows anything- _You're so paranoid_), "I don't know if you meant all that stuff. And I don't really know what you were trying to say... But about what you said yesterday-"

"It's not what I've said that you should be worried about," she interrupts with a coy sideways glance, "You should be watching your weight,"

_My what_?

"You'll blow up like a blimp if you're not careful. It's easy-" she emphasizes by jerkily flicking her hand to the side in a 'I'll show you' sort of way, "Just cut the calories, and you'll cut the pain. Look at it this way-" she takes one of Gaara's sticks from his new-looking cardboard box- a different type than Jiraiya smokes (_It smells like cedar and comfort and cancer_), "This is you," she holds each end in her sharp, long bright red nails- the same shade as her lipstick she wore the other day, "And inside is all these little grains on bottled up dreams, nightmares, hopes, hate- everything,"

He nods, totally not following, but going with it anyway.

She digs those scarlet razors into the soft paper and rips the cigarette in half, tobacco spilling out on her lap.

"See?" Ino smiles serenely, "So much lighter. Feels better, don't it?"

No. It doesn't. In fact, Naruto is quite fucking disturbed, imagining himself getting ripped in two (_though he's been feeling like that for a while anyway_). Naruto isn't sure what she's referring to, and positive he doesn't ever want to learn.

"I'll help you," she says.

"There's a party tonight at W8 that we're going to. You should come," she tosses the two white slips next to her burned out buds into the slush at her feet and takes Gaara by the hand, and "Ten o'clock" over her shoulder, as they stand and wrap their scarves around tighter. They slowly walk along the overhang where the school buses pull up in the mornings, and Naruto is too confused to chase them.

He walks to the cafeteria in a daze, ignores Sakura's questioning- and again, he's walking a very precarious line by being so obvious- with a mouthful of food, but finds he can't swallow for some reason, the image of that mangled tobacco stick branded into his mind, and just sticks to the bottle of water. The blonde tries to understand what all Ino said, but the more he thinks about it, the more he comes to the conclusion that she knows way too much. He knows the street slang for the party houses, like any proper teenager should- W8 is one of the more famous ones, because they accept everyone no matter what age or origin or connections,as well as their ridiculously vast array of drugs and alcohol. It's a school night again, and while Jiraiya hadn't been too worried about him disappearing the night before last, he really doesn't want to do that to him again.

He hears Kiba from across the table guffaw at something Hinata said, and he locks eyes with him. Hasn't Kiba always wanted to get drunk off his ass?

Naruto smirks behind a hand.

…

"_**Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within," -James A. Baldwin**_

…

Warehouse 8 is one of the five factories that didn't make the safety requirements after the first industrial revolution in Konoha. After a good percont of the workers ended up with spontaneous cancer or some sort of blood disease, the city governement finally took action- but not after thousands had already died from the awful conditions. Something about too much dust and mold and rats, and not enough open windows. It sits on the outskirts (_of the outskirts_) of the city, an attempt to forget Konoha's rather dark roots, half collapsing on the back end from its crumbling foundation, the surrounding yard closed in by an iron wire fence. The back half of the yard is a cemetary for those who perished, though most of them were dug up and looted by the occasional homeless person. In an effort to keep local delinquents out, the front gates are welded shut- done some twenty years ago, but barely a month after, some druggies ran a car straight through the back side perimeter, clearing a path through the headstones straight to the building and that's where the entrance has been ever since.

_Charming_.

The opening isn't quite tall enough to walk through with a straight back, so Naruto and Kiba have to hunch down. Naruto eyes the gnarled and curled ends of the wires and shivers at the idea of getting caught, clinging to Kiba's side, who seems to share the sentiment. Though the isles of buried tombs that they have to pass aren't any more inviting. They can feel the vibrations of bass booming through the walls and crunchy frost, and Naruto tries not to feel intimidated. There are a few stray drug dealers, hipsters, and drunks curled into their jackets and beanies, milling about on the front wall, spray painting them with gang signs or sorting out dollar bills while stubbornly fighting the winter storm because every dollar counts.

"I can't believe I'm coming to this with you," Kiba whines in a low voice, "What if my mom decides to call Jiraiya to see if I got there all right? We'd be totally screwed!"

They'd done a round robin by telling Jiraiya that Naruto would be at Kiba's, and Kiba telling his mom that he'd be at Naruto's. The last time they'd done something as elementary as that had been in eighth grade to go to a rated R movie (_Sweeney Todd_).

"Stop it," Naruto scolds good-naturedly, "I helped you with your... _Neji issues_; besides-" (and Kiba hisses very offendly "_I did not have Neji issues!_"), "You've always wanted to come to one of these parties,"

"I said I've always wanted to go to a _party_. This...," he makes a wide gesture with his arms at the surrounding area, "This is not a party. It's a crime scene. One waiting to happen, at the very least,"

"Drama queen," Naruto snorts, feigning incredulity but doubting on the inside- perhaps Kiba is right and this is all just a bad idea, (_but this is way better than doing whatever with Sasuke and Sakura, even Neji_ ) watches as three narrow, black shadows move towards them in the pale darkness.

"You came!" Ino calls, her voice sounding peppier than Naruto has ever heard it, even _before_ her identity makeover.

"Yo," Kiba greets, raising the arm Naruto isn't holding on to in a slight wave.

"This is Kiba. Kiba, this is Ino. And you know Gaara from PE," the red head peeks up at Kiba from underneath his black tube hat and swishing bangs without saying anything.

"This," Ino says with a flourish of arms towards a taller but equally skinny blonde, "Is the greatest person in the entire world. Deidara,"

The blonde male laughs, his teeth flashing in the light of far off streetlamps, "Hardly," he says with a casual sling around Ino's neck, "I've heard a lot about you, Naruto. Nice to meet you,"

"Likewise," Naruto says with a grin.

"Come on! You're late- the music's been on for over an hour," Ino drags them towards the closed doors- rusted metal and heavy. The hinges screech through the thin air, jerking the dozing or puking or spacing loiterers out of their own skins.

The overwhelming heat, strobe lights, and noise slam into them simultaneously, and Naruto actually staggers back into Ino's sharp shoulder. She mouths something at him but it's so loud, her words are lost to him.

"Welcome to Candy Land," she shouts again, with a feral grin.

She grabs his hand, following the edges of the building (the inside is just one big room, stripped of its equipment and other dividing walls to make space for the humungous mass of dancers, a kaleidoscope of stripping, grinding, and spit swapping), and Naruto looks back at Kiba only once, who is looking startlingly comfortable with Gaara, before Ino tears him away into the wriggling, jumping, groping.

He feels her hips swaying and bobbing along his, and with the screaming of techno and the scrape of clothing on clothing, he feels himself roll with her. He's pressed from all sides by people with cups of beer, laughing, moaning, singing, but it's all drowned out by the booming speakers that can't be seen in the dark. Like the people, the sound seems to wrap around him, coming from no direction but everywhere- falling on his head with the spraying of sweat of writhing bodies and pressing into his heels like rocks stuck in his shoes. It reminds him of the pleasurable throb deep in his muscles after spending the night and morning with Itachi.

Just as bittersweet and just as addicting.

It isn't ten minutes before he's drenched in sweat from the proximity of so many working bodies, and he follows Ino's suit by yanking off his gloves and coat and tossing them carelessly above his head to land on some other wanton clump of dancers. His shirt goes next, and suddenly there are hands clawing at the exposed skin- Ino and other faceless strangers that don't care for names- first or last- or the mornings after, and Naruto finds himself agreeing with their philosophy.

_Think later._

In the heat and rush, Deidara somehow finds them in the hundreds, Kiba and Gaara forgotten for the time being, three shots of some unknown drink in hand. He passes two to Ino and they smile and laugh at a joke neither of them hear, and Naruto finds that part funny, so he laughs with them. The thin girl passes the last shot to Naruto and she tips the vial upside-down and swallows in one gulp in unison with Deidara that speaks of years of practice and repetition, and Naruto sniffs it wearily before Ino grabs his hand and forces the drink to his mouth. It burns and leaves a terrible aftertaste that makes his mouth water in the places under his tongue. He feels it sear a hole in the bottom of his stomach, like a piece of red hot coal, but the music and Ino push him to keep raving.

(_The last time he remembers drinking is when he and Sasuke broke into Jiraiya's stuff when they were twelve, and only got a mild buzz that makes remembering the night fuzzy- the place of their last kiss that Naruto prays Sasuke has forgotten about_). And Naruto's never been wasted, but with the pace Ino keeps miraculously bringing him drinks of different shades and shapes, he knows it'll happen tonight, and welcomes the thought.

He feels Ino at his back the entire time, her small body moving against and with his all in one, pushing, pulling, leading- sharp, quick rotations of her shoulders and hips into his back like some sort of brutal mock-massage- and Deidara has him sandwiched, his long, golden hair flinging with his head-bangs. Naruto pants from the lack of air, from the friction, from the alcohol, gets a mouthful of musk and hot breath from people he barely knows, closes his eyes- in ecstasy, or to stop the dizziness, but his new friends are pressed so closely he can't possibly fall down, and suddenly, _friends_ doesn't sound nearly good enough because friends don't grab the places where his thighs meet his ass to meld crotches together- as Deidara's long fingers graze his sides, and he grips right back- protruding shoulder blades, hip bones.

And it has to be bad for him, but it's all so _good_. Almost as good as sex.

The time between songs in nonexistent, seamless, and Naruto loses count of the minutes, not that he was ever trying to begin with. His eyes burn from the indoor smokers, his throat raw from the liquor or tequila or rum or booze or anything that stopped scratching on the way down after the hundredth swallow.

They find Kiba and Gaara some unquantifiable time later, as the dancing crowd thins out with the assumed lateness of the hour, and Gaara pulls out an unlabeled bottle. He shakes it, making the sound of a maraca, and Naruto giggles. He pops off the top, dumps some white candies (_Those are pills, kid_) into his sweaty palm, and passes them around. Naruto is sane enough (_I am?_) to see Kiba refusing the drugs, and even has the mind to feel his own hesitation, but when he looks at Ino with his weakness, she holds some pills up between her fingers, like a licensed, well-practiced professional (_"I am Dr. Ino, and you need to be destroyed from the inside out,"_).

"Glutton!" she screams once really loud over the music, dumping one tablet into her fruity-something and swigging it down with a pleasured grimace.

Naruto feels his eyes burn- for another reason besides smoke or sweat this time. He snatches Deidara's already mixed drink, dumps two more pills into the liquid fire and swallows thickly. Kiba looks worried, unsure. But Gaara grabs the brunet to begin dancing again- he is irresistible when he's glistening and swinging those tanned hips around. Naruto doesn't see Kiba again that night, nor does he think to wonder where he is.

He sees those blue-eyed, blonde smiles through the blinding colors all meshed before his visage; the only distinguishable shapes in his disintegrating world. The music is pushed louder- reaching the limit of the speaker's volume, and they pulse and threaten to burst- by a mass of still-wired dancers that overthrow the DJ.

_Welcome to Candy Land._

The rest of the night is lost.

…

"_**Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering," -Feodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky**_

…

He sees those eyes, remembers them- blue, duel mirrors to his own, only maybe a little more twisted, a little more aged. Their cool gazes do nothing to soothe the rampaging spin and pound behind his eyeballs, at the base of his neck, in his eardrums. He gasps as it rips down his spine like a zipper opening, fears his skeleton will fall out the back. Cringing at the taste in his own mouth, he feels the back of his throat to the bottom of his diaphragm convulse once before he is spewing a fountain of sludge through his clenched teeth. Cold hands grip his feverish flesh- he breaks out into delicious chills- and flip him until his knees scrape along freezing tile, and he barfs again, into a watery bowl he vaguely dubs a toilet.

"Nice," he hears in a hoarse, intimate whisper at his ear, where those blessedly ice hands comb back his hair from his damp forehead, "Almost as good as one of us. You'll go pro if you keep at it,"

Another set of hands are stroking his naked spine, and he groans graciously, feeling his nose burn from the double regurgitation. He can smell the acrid fluid as it dribbles from his nostril to his chin. The hands (_They have to be hands of angels_, he thinks) half lift, half drag him over to somewhere else, but he can't even remember what his own name is, let alone peel his eyelids open as a wet cloth that smells of orange scented hand soap and diluted rubbing alcohol makes a slick path over his face and chest until the stench of vomit fades to nothing but a hazy nightmare.

A cold rim is pressed to his bottom lip- and even that skin is sore- he tries to slowly gulp down the water, but it's so nice to rinse that horrid flavor out, that he nearly drowns in his eagerness to be rid of it.

Tugged somewhere else much warmer and softer, he collapses on top of bones and hugs the uncomfortably (_so comforting_) boney chest closer until he hears them creak under the pressure, listens to the abnormally slow heartbeat, a metronome of sheep being counted, but he can't seem to remember how to count either.

Naruto mumbles out his only try- a gurgled, broken version of 'one'.

Those hands never leave.

…

"_**It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office," -Shirley MacLaine **_

…

The second time he wakes up (_or what's most likely the second time, but who's been counting?_), Naruto knows his name is Naruto and that he can count to a very high number, though he doesn't know why he would think such a thing in the first place. He finds himself underneath a light green quilt with two sets of arms and legs tangled with his own. Trying not to provoke his headache any further, a feat proving to be impossible, the blonde carefully turns his neck to the right.

It earns him a stabbing pain and a good look at Ino's open split lips. She is slack-jawed, her frizzy white, blonde hair tangled in zigzag directions. Her cheeks stand out substantially, the bones glowing in the sunlight peaking through the heavy curtains hanging over a window. To his left and another stab that dwindles off to an obnoxious throb, Deidara lies, the quilt pulled down low on his hips, almost erotically so. (And with that observation) Naruto realizes, finally, with a peek under the blanket that all three of them are nude.

Trying to be calm, so that a rush of blood won't go tearing into his overly sensitive head, he sits up, the twin sized bed's springs creaking ominously in the hush of the room. The glaring red light of an alarm clock tells him through his squinting that it is 2:19. He's missed school.

He settles back down with a sigh, and Ino cuddles into his side; "Morning," she mumbles with croakiness and morning breath.

"Mmm," he answers, blowing a piece of her hair away to watch it float then sink back down like a string of dust.

Deidara shifts, probably sensing a change in the room's atmosphere- from dreaming to wakefulness. He also moves in close, nuzzles Naruto's neck and jaw, the feel of his nakedness presses against his side.

"Where are we?" the blonde in the middle finally asks, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, prepared for the worst (_a crack house, a love hotel, a meth lab_).

"My apartment," Deidara supplies with an answer, "But don't let anyone know, or you'll get in trouble for shaking up with a grown man,"

"Oh, please," Ino huffs, sitting up and taking the quilt with her to cover her chest, "Don't worry, Naruto. Kiba went home with Gaara. And my dad's always at the office with his midnight secretary, so I'm here most nights. I won't be missed,"

Naruto tries to remember any of the supposed trip from W8 to Deidara's apartment but can only vaguely recall an intense, sweltering temperature with lots of multicolored lights flashing in his eyes- perhaps a memory of someone abducted by aliens- big eyes peering down at him, prodding him.

"What was I _on_?" he groans, sitting up and kneading his brows with his open palms.

"Well," Deidara chuckles, "I'm amazed by your metabolism. I've never seen anyone stay conscious as long as you did after taking almost every type of booze I've ever known. Top that off with a spiked martini...,"

Naruto grimaces, again tasting his stomach in his mouth, and recalling consuming a vile filled to the brim with something bright green; "Spiked with _what_?"

"One of Gaara's creations," Ino speaks quietly, as if worried Naruto will freak out on her, "And almost a syringe of heroine, if Deidara hadn't rescued you,"

"Oh," is all he can really say, because it doesn't change the fact that he currently feels like he was thrown under a freight train. He looks at his state of dress- or lack there of; "Did we... Uh...," he gestures at them with a suggestive air, "You know?"

"We engaged in some heavy petting," Ino said with a nod, "I tried not to take advantage of you, but you did ask for it-"

Ino!" Deidara laughed exasperatedly at Naruto's face, both draining and flushing with blood within seconds, and the blonde girl grins before throwing herself across their laps, "No, we didn't do anything. We undressed you because most of your clothes were trampled on in the factory and couldn't be found, and the rest were ruined,"

_Ruined_, Deidara says. Ruined?

"We trashed them," Ino says apologetically.

Naruto looks at the pair on either side of him, and in nothing but the dim light coming through the cracks in the dark, forest green curtains it is impossible not to see how disturbingly skinny they are. Naruto studies them each separately, their gaunt complexions, skin tightly pulled over cheekbones and foreheads, shining sternums and collarbones. Freaky.

Ino smiles at his obvious examination and places her hand on his.

"We all have different-"

"I think you're beautiful,"

And it's true- they're so oddly alluring with their long, pale hair and wide, pale eyes. He squeezes Ino's hand, and finds how brittle her hand is amazing.

Ino beams.

After a quick shower and a change of Deidara's clothes, the three of them settle on Deidara's soft, beige couch with a cup of Yogurt Lite for dinner (except for Deidara; Ino says she's never seen Deidara eat but once, and he always throws up when he gets home from work- _"He's like, super amazing. So strong,"_). Ino explains that after school, she comes here, sometimes with Gaara, who gives her some magic pills that wash the world away until Deidara gets home- she's developed some sort of complex about her always-gone father. Naruto thinks it odd that Ino has a weakness, having never seen her anywhere near upset about anything. She's always indifferent, crazy, or on stimulants. She doesn't know where her blonde counterpart works, and Deidara won't tell ("_I'm pretty sure it has to do with him being in the Akatsuki,_").

"I was meaning to ask," Deidara says over the low volume of _Kick Buttowsky_ (the weirdest cartoon Naruto has ever seen), "Where did you get that ring?"

Naruto glances down at his thumb where Itahci's ring lies.

"...Someone," Deidara raises his eyebrows at the inflection on his first word, "Someone important gave it to me,"

Deidara holds up his hand, an identical ring on his middle finger. _Blue_.

"You're in the Akatsuki?" Naruto asks.

"Are _you_?" Ino intervenes curiously.

Naruto shakes his head; "I told you it was given to me,"

"Red...," Deidara says to himself thoughtfully, "It's been so long since the original nine members were initiated, I don't remember which colors belong to which person,"

Naruto gives a secretive smile of his own, thinking of Itachi, and Deidara raises his eyebrows again. The younger blonde just shakes his head, grin still in place. It feels good to smile.

Naruto leaves Deidara's place, clad in a thick fur coat ("_Coco Chanel, hun,"_) and stuffed with Tylenol, around three so he can make it to ANBU for work. He stops by the apartment to say hey to Jiraiya and tell him about his sleepover with Kiba that didn't really happen, but lying is so second nature he isn't even bothered to feel guilty.

"Don't climb out your window anymore, brat! That's what the front door is for!" Gramps calls as Naruto heads down the hall to get his apron and a pair of pants that actually fit, "And nice coat, Fabio!"

Naruto laughs quietly to himself, and swings his door open without bothering to turn the light on. It's dark because the shutters are closed over to keep the room from heating up with the daylight. He rummages to his closet, slowly tossing the fur jacket and purple pants onto his bed (and at this point, Naruto deeply questions Deidara's tastes), whistling the opening theme to _Kim Possible-_ because Deidara's strangeness stretches to TV shows as well.

"_Fuck_," he hisses as he stumps his toe on the leg of his bed frame, but smiles ironically as he realizes the feeling in his toes hasn't returned from all those drugs and depressants he mixed last night. He pulls the white _Too Kool-Aid 4 U_ shirt over his head, twisting around and feeling the last of his headache dwindle, "No more drugs, Mother. I swear,"

He chuckles to himself, rubs the bridge of his nose, standing with only a pair of unbuttoned dark wash jeans hanging loosely off his hips.

"I don't think she can hear you,"

Naruto screams, spins around to face his bed where Deidara's discarded clothes lay, where a dark shape lounges at the head of the mattress. The blonde flicks the light on at lightning speed, heart beating even faster. He feels the blood under his skin prickling hotly, tearing his capillaries to pieces. He looks so good, Naruto thinks, and when was the last time he looked directly at Sasuke because _I could have sworn I was immune to his attractiveness by now_. It's totally different than Itachi- (_and he can't help but wonder if his tongue is just as talented, but that's so dirtydirtydirty and Naruto instantly feels the guilt he's been putting off_).

"Hey," and Naruto winces at how his own voice sounds- like it's obvious he's spent the last night breathing sex and cigarettes. He awkwardly buttons his pants, face burning because- _Christ_- he hadn't been wearing underwear, and plops down at the end of his bed. (_This is so familiar, just as painful as the last time you were here_), "What's up? How was school? I decided to stay home-" N_ever mind you just walked through the front door; your falsities are really beginning to suck_-, "I've been battling some sort of stomach virus for _forever_. Just on and off. I'll be sitting down for breakfast and- Bam! I barely get to the toilet before I've got the runs,"

Silence reigns for a second, Sasuke just looking him over. and Naruto wishes he could turn the light off so the Uchiha won't see whatever horrible face he's making. So Naruto plows on- because he's so afraid that the silence will ruin him, and it is paramount that he escapes _as soon as possible _(_because I have got somanythings to do; Sai is waiting for me. I'm going to be late and I can't get fired because ANBU is the one place you have never ever been and-_).

"Anyway, I was just leaving for Dr. Orochimaru's office for a check-up- see if I can figure out what's wrong with me," (_But Ino is a much better doctor, in my opinion_), "So.. I," Naruto stands, rushes to his closet to grab a long-sleeved shirt, "_Reallyneedtogo_,"

He's about to snatch the fur jacket that smells like Deidara's closet and Ino's hairspray and go, but Sasuke has to do the last thing he wants (_the only thing he wants_) by taking his hand before he can even get a single sleeve on; "Naruto. I need you-"

His voice breaks, like something on the inside is breaking.

_Ohgodohgodohgod._

"I need you to stop avoiding us,"

Naruto sucks in a breath, but as usual, it does no good. (_This is no good_).

"I'm... I'm not avoiding anyone,"

"You've been walking to school. Sakura says Hinata even saw you riding with Itachi. And you disappear after school, and you don't answer phone calls. The only way we find anything about what you've been doing is through Jiraiya-" and he looks so angry and so hurt and Naruto can't stand it, "But you hardly tell him anything at all,"

"I'm not disappearing- I just. Hang out with Kiba a lot,"

Sasuke's pleading turns into a menacing glare, and it's the first time in years that raw Uchiha anger is directed towards him, makes him feel so small.

"Is he your new best friend?"

The question is sharpened to cut, and it does.

"No!" Naruto exclaims in a half sob, reaches forward but freezes when he realizes what he's about to do, and drops his hand, knowing he looks so uncomfortable to Sasuke (b_ut you just can't touch him anymore- it's a sin to touch angels_), "I'm... just getting cabin fever. Senior-itis. It's in my blood- needing to run around and all,"

The Uchiha stares at him long and hard; "Sakura's depressed. We're falling apart-" _Because I'm not there to keep you together, to help you fill the gaps_, "She cries a lot,"

Naruto swallows, remembers the feeling of those crazy pills Gaara gave him going down his throat with the numbing martini, wishes he had them, so this moment would _end already_. Sakura isn't a crier. But she cries for him. For them.

_She cries for We Three_.

"I don't know how to keep her happy without you,"

_Of course you don't, you silly boy; we cannot function without all three. A tricycle doesn't work with a missing wheel._

He looks so tired, and Naruto knows with his own bloodshot eyes and bags and lost weight that he looks just the same, but hopefully the overhead light isn't so strong that Sasuke can tell. _Have you been eating right? Breathing right?_

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

He tries not to gasp for breath, for life (_because no, he hasn't been eating-breathing-living right_), tries not to break down like he knows is just right around the corner- one more glare and he'll totally lose. Naruto prepares the words that will soothe his friend, reassure him, assuage him, because _Rules123_ run through his veins, bleed out where the drugs tore them, bruise his skin like Itachi's teeth and Ino's iron grip. It'll all collapse if he doesn't fix this (_It's me that keeps breaking it; if I could just disappear for good, like I was never here at all-_).

"Sasuke, I'm sorry," he says, voice manipulated to be in soft tones that will subconsciously remind Sasuke of Itachi when he apologized for the millionth time he didn't have time to play, (_"I know I promised to take you to lunch, but I've been called in for an extra shift at work. Next time, I promise,"_) and it works like magic. He slouches in what is his way of expressing relief, belief.

_And I'm sorry again, because I'm taking advantage of your weaknesses, but if I can just feel invincible again- like when you first asked Sakura out, when I still had all my strength- you'll never have to know_.

"I haven't been thinking too clearly. I've been feeling claustrophobic; I can't sit still. I won't disappear without saying anything- I promise. Maybe my cell isn't working right, because I haven't gotten a lot of messages from you guys lately,"

They look at each other a long time.

Naruto's tongue feels like lava for his lies.

"Just promise you'll come back to lunch,"

"Of course,"

But he knows it's all ash leaving his mouth.

Sasuke leaves after a stiff and short, one-armed hug that feels like napalm to Naruto's back.

Naruto takes a deep breath and has his paint out before Sasuke even reaches the front door. He takes the yellow and blue paint to make a weird yellowy green and sets to the boarders of the walls, using the photo of his parents for reference every once in a while. He feels his throat clog up something fierce and tries to keep his eyes clear enough to see what he's doing. His hand shakes with his body (_I can't do this anymore_) and the paint brush drops into his carpet.

The blonde's out his window with barely the mind to put on a coat, grasps in the cold air, his lungs like metal claws, as he skids down the fire escape into the freshly fallen snow, stumbles with a terrible cry that Naruto had no idea could come out of his mouth. He has to stop to just catch his breath, to blink the pain sweeping through his chest away. His first steps are the hardest, but soon the streets are nothing but a scorching glaze of blue as he races through the back paths that aren't taken by respectable citizens, so no one will stare as he cries.

He passes no one and sees those sloppily aged red letters on the art shop door and falls through, the bell giving a dreadfully pleasant _tink-a-ling_.

"Sorry I'm late," he says through the snotty mess on his face, nose raw from the mixture of moisture and cold.

Sai looks up from the front desk; Naruto can make his shape out through the flood on his face but can't see his expression.

"I have issues," is all Naruto can think to say to the horrible quiet (_and Naruto once got a fortune cookie that said 'Silence is a friends that will never betray you', but it does all the damn time_).

"I know," Sai replies, coming out from behind the counter and pulling Naruto all the way through and out of the sleet, "You reek of troubles. You're not running from the cops are you?"

Naruto barks out a grateful sobbing laugh as his employer flips his sign to _CLOSED_, "No,"

Sai takes him to the back exit where an outdoor staircase leads to the upper level of the building. It's his living quarters, and under any other circumstance, Naruto would be taking it all in- the soft yellow curtains on the wide windows, the plush cream carpet, the small kitchen area to the left- Sai gets him to sit on his low standing bed. He hiccups uselessly as the artist tends to him, wiping his face with a tissue, pulling his shoes and socks and coat off. "I'm so dumb,"

"I know this as well,"

Naruto stares up into those narrow coals and gives him a watery smile.

"I have this friend..." (_Nonono, you're breaking the Rules_), "I have this friend who is totally in love with his best friend, but his best friend is dating his other best friend who is a girl with long eyelashes and soft hands, and this friend is always so guilty because he loves them but he hates them," and his words are coming faster and more desperately, "and he hates himself the most because he can't just be happy for them like a normal person should be. And _I've_ always loved him first, and got my hopes up because I'm an idiot and it just isn't fair and I just can't- can't-"

He's choking on his own trachea, lungs jerking with painful spasms and he wishes they would just stop working. Sai's hands are warm on his wet cheeks and arms; "All right," he murmurs into blonde hair, "That's enough; you don't have to say anymore,"

Naruto sobs into his shoulder, embarrassed but too hurt to care much. Sai pushes the downy comforter back and presses Naruto into the sheets, slides the blanket back over him.

"Please," Naruto whispers, "Stay,"

"I don't sleep with minors,"

Naruto scowls muckily, "I've been eighteen for months, asswipe,"

Sai smiles faintly- the first that doesn't give him the creeps- and slips in beside him. Naruto gravitates to his body heat, and Sai doesn't seem to mind that his sleeve gets wet from his crying that lasts until he falls into a groggy sleep.

…

"_**Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place," -Zora Neale Hurston **_

…

On Monday, Naruto literally gets sick before lunch at the mere idea of sitting with them- he's been doing a good job of avoiding direct suspicion and the crowd by spending those precious twenty minutes of oxygen enriched conversation with Itachi- has to run to the nearest bathroom to throw the water up. He's about to call it a day, give up, send Sakura a text to say he's going home- to barf some more, to marinate in self-pity and Disney Channel cartoon reruns after stopping by the Uchiha classroom to let the young tearcher know he's leaving for the day. Ino even invited him to another party in Mythology, hosted by some guy named Pein tomorrow night. He says yes, of course, anything to eat up his free time and not-free time. _Spend it all until none is left_.

But Sasuke finds him in the stall he's bent over in, helps him feel better by splashing his face with cold sink water (straight from the melted ice of the river, so it numbs his tastebuds). And it isn't nearly as satisfying as Ino and Deidara's palms spread over his bare skin to coax him into relaxation. Or so he tells himself, because if he says it enough, it'll become true.

_Believing is speaking. Speaking is believing_.

"We're not eating in the cafeteria today," he whispers softly to his blonde friend, lips practically kissing his ear, "We're going to the roof,"

The three of them haven't eaten on the roof since their first year as Chunin, and Sakura is already up there, so it's just Naruto and Sasuke walking alone to the second floor utility room that has a ladder to the roof. They don't talk because there is nothing to say, except for Sasuke promising he won't tell Sakura the blonde's been sick. The Uchiha goes up first, disappearing into the blinding white, and Naruto follows close behind, eyes pinched closed to protect them, the wind swirling around him and sucking him out like the spores of a wishing-weed.

Sakura and Sasuke are staring at him strangely he thinks, and Naruto realizes it's them re-recognizing him because it's been so long since they've seen him in such direct light. They examine him, pick him apart and he stands there, laying all bare because he has no other choice- their knowing eyes see all (_Mostly- there is still one secret I keep_).

Sakura has her waterproof blankets laid out on top of the snow, another pile of thick, flannel blankets for keeping warm. Sasuke lights the outdoor radiator, and Naruto looks at the familiar scene with overflowing eyes. _Familiar, but different because we're older now. Scarred. Wounded_.

Naruto sits down next to Sakura and she smiles through the blowing wind and snow at him- the first time in what seems a lifetime-, bundling them all up in the cloth like those piggies you eat at pot-luck hosted by the neighborhood church. They eat out of canteens- soup Mikoto made last night (when Naruto was sleeping in Sai's bed).

"As real as a stutter," Sakura says over the strong _whoosh. _Naruto grins, catching on, "Or an extra chromosome," he adds, and Sasuke snorts.

"Let me be known as real," Sakura finishes the stanza.

They used to spout free-verse, made up off the top of their heads, and Sasuke would write it down, rolling his eyes at how ridiculous they usually were. Varying from ideas of Anarchy to summer romance to incest to assassins, though never quite capturing the moment they were created- like a true birth cannot be portrayed perfectly.

"Unafraid," Sasuke adds- so rare to join in.

"Of ugly and strangeness and evil," Sakura says, thinking back on her years of childhood insecurities.

"And my capacity to become each," Naruto finishes, and they fall into silence, lost in their own thoughts, not really having the strength to continue. They lean into each other for comfort- always seeking it from each other- and listen to the snowflakes fall, and it's almost almost like it used to be, but then Sakura turns and brushes her mouth against Sasuke's stubble, whispers a gentle "Baby", her pet-name for him now, and she has every right to do it, but Naruto throws up Mrs. Uchiha's soup after lunch anyway because he's got to get the hate out somehow.

_Perfection gained through emptiness is everything._

He can hear her random statements- as if she's quoting someone. And he thinks he finally understands what Ino is trying to say as he doubles over in pain from his stomach rolling in ways it shouldn't. It's not about losing weight, it's not about body-image. It's the feeling of cleanliness, of emptiness (_The cigarette tearing in half- "There. Isn't that so much better? So light,"_).

_Make me Empty_.


	5. The smoke

**We Three**

_Nothing matters when I'm thin._

_Really._

And somewhere, a girl with long blonde hair and wicked blue eyes smiles.

…

Itachi's burning embers stare at him (_accusingly, like he knows Naruto's done something bad but doesn't know what, and Naruto isn't about to fess up to anything; he can keep guessing_), as Naruto cautiously sips his apple juice. It burns the sores he's carelessly chewed on the inside of his cheeks, a kind of nervous tick he developed from trying to keep his face from melting off- and show the ugliness underneath.

It is unusually silent for their lunch meetings, as Itachi is typing up a test for his fourth period class, and Naruto is so absorbed in his own world of counting and trying not to think too hard, he can't notice, can't comment on it.

"You've lost weight,"

He looks up from the Nutritional Facts (_60 calories- Ino's gotten him to start noticing the numbers; they're everywhere, closing in on them, but they can't sneak up on you if you watch out_). Naruto looks up.

"Have I?"

…

_"_**Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing," -Anais Nin**__

…

Those hot bodies press against him, acquainted and welcome, and Naruto takes _one more drink_ for the fifteenth or seventieth time, and Ino and Deidara are right there with him (_Just one more this time, for real! Just one more. We've got school and work and lives outside of this that we pretend to care about- that way, it's easier to leave this place when the hour gets late enough_), protecting him from the cold ground and zero gravity because he's so high off of not giving a fuck.

They introduce him to a tall man with a heavy, black and red coat on that looks way too hot for comfort in this stuffy environment and bright auburn hair that he can't help but reach up to feel- wondering if it will burn his flesh like the vivid color suggests.

The man laughs- his facial piercings looking strange as his eyebrows and nose skin moves.

"Naruto- this is Pein," Deidara shouts with all his strength over the music, grinning cheekily, "The All Powerful Creator and Leader of the great and awesome Akatsuki,"

Naruto grins back, having forgotten about the scorching locks brushing his sensitive-but-numb palms- and no, it doesn't really burn, but he thinks if he tries hard enough, he'll hallucinate that it does; "I've heard a lot about you," he yells as well.

"Who hasn't?" Pein replies in good humor, not even seeming to raise his voice and still being heard, and it reminds him of Itachi when he is demanding attention in his classroom- or anywhere really, "I'd love to know how you got a hold of one of my rings,"

Naruto is confused, until he sees his hand is held captive not by red-orange hair, but a large calloused hand, Pein studying his thumb with a curious expression. He remembers a certain Uchiha, describing his little street gang.

"Itachi gave it to me," Naruto slurs, not really of the right mind to worry about whether or not telling the truth to this dangerous man is a good idea. It's probably better to lie, he thinks too late.

"_Itachi_? Uchiha Itachi!" Deidara yelps, alarmed, "Why would Itachi give you his _ring_?"

Naruto just shrugs, looking into Pein's weird eyes- they look like targets- rings of light and dark color, but he can't tell what colors because of the flashing strobes and discos; "We're close. I guess,"

"How close is close?" Ino asks with a laugh, butting in so she doesn't feel left out, but the question is rhetorical and Naruto is pulled away from the dangerous man with fire for hair. Ino is lost with Deidara and the Akatsuki leader because of some unknown force on his wrist leading him through the crowd. He looks ahead, sees gaara's blood-shot eyes and has to cross his own to see what is being held in front of his face. A joint.

"Come smoke it with me," his voice velvety deep, the first time he's spoken so directly to Naruto as his usual way of communication is rare and only consists of grunts with varying degrees of emotion in them: annoyed, content, irritated, disinterested.

They find the corner of couches and beanbags where people are doing an array of other drugs, necking, laughing, fucking- or making love, as Naruto isn't one to judge- and Gaara lights the end of the weed roll with a lighter shaped like a very voluptuous woman. He offers the first drag to Naruto which he takes (he's never been interested in smoking anything, but it's not like once will kill him- and if it does, _is that really such a bad thing_?).

"You take a half a breath of the smoke and a half of air, then hold it," Gaara instructs and Naruto does so, coughing when he finally breathes out, "This is fresh. High quality. I just bought it from the guys outside. They're good at trafficking the really good stuff,"

Apparently, weed makes Gaara talkative.

He doesn't feel anything the first few passes and it isn't even pleasant- just a strange warmth and tingling to the tip of his tongue as the hot embers pass through his pursed lips- , but then an almost claustrophobic pang squeezes down on his head and heart, and he is terrified though he doesn't know why or of what. He feels his eyes look around, can see his pulse because it's so strong, ridiculously so, and Gaara _smiles_.

"You're feeling it slower because this is your first time," he says, and holds the joint out to him for another hit.

They stop only until nothing but the filter is left, and Naruto's heart stops freaking out and accepts the drug and the music and the pinched feeling in his lungs and ears fade in the background of an irrational need to laugh and cry at everything the redhead beside him says.

…

_"_**Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion," -Javan**___**  
><strong>_

…

That same taste, smell, feeling of his intestines in knots.

"Woah, easy there," a voice he knows but cannot name says from somewhere above, and he's just so tired, stuck in what Gaara warned him was the 'fuck it' mode, that he doesn't even care whether or not he barfs all over himself, just wants to sleep.

"_Gaara_-" Accusing, as Naruto throws up again, his hair pulled back in an uncomfortably hard grip, "Why did you let him take seven hits? It was his first time! We're lucky he didn't OD!"

"Naruto, you're doing so well," and finally, he thinks _Ino_, her lips and breath hot and erotic on his ear, his anorexic ghost-angel, "Just relax,"

And Naruto has to agree; he's feeling fine now (_Let me be empty and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight_), just wants to cuddle up to his brother and sister (that's what Ino has started saying- _"Look at us! Blue-eyed, blonde angels. We have to be related!"_) and sleep the world and it's impurities away. And of _course _he's skipping school tomorrow (_or is it today?_), and he forgot to tell Jiraiya where he is(_n't_), and he _definitely_ didn't say anything to Sasuke and Sakura about it, might have even thrown his cell phone out of Deidara's car window on the way back from Pein's party for all he cares.

And at some point he has to go to work at three-thirty; has to get up and be alive though Naruto can't remember the last time he felt alive anyway.

He doesn't remember how to live.

…

"_**Maybe part of loving is learning to let go," –The Wonder Years**_

…

"You don't look so good," Sai says with his usual smile, like even though he commented on Naruto's health, it's still irrelevant to him.

Naruto just nods absentmindedly while tying his light purple apron on. They are supposed to update the inventory today, scrub the windows, and fix the crooked sign on the door.

"Let's paint today,"

Naruto stops his jerking fingers from trying in vain to tie a bow at his lower back (his entire body keeps having these spasms _from the cold or the starvation or the alcohol or the THC_) to look at the artist.

Sai doesn't give him much of a choice, taking him back to the room where there are mountains of paintings the artist claims are no good. A paint brush and canvas is a little different from a spray-paint can and concrete brick walls, he decides as Sai puts them in his hands. Smooth, slow lines are possible on the paper canvas, but Naruto doesn't care about that. He takes large globs of violent violet and black paint and bright strobes of color that drip to the floor, too much to stay on the bristles. It's sloppy because the blonde isn't much of an artist, but the shapes are still there. He weighs the canvas down with thick layers of anger and self-pity and acrylic.

"Who is it?" Sai asks from his own place beside his pencil sketch of a flamingo.

Naruto looks his unfinished work over, the three white, humanoid figures in the middle with golden and blue halos, reaching to the top of the page from a throng of mass-less black bodies, clinging to each other, and Naruto can imagine them trying to knock away those black claws that drag them under.

"My brother and sister," _And me_.

He looks at it a little longer, and starts when he feels something cold on his cheek.

Sai withdraws the paintbrush, and Naruto gives him a look of curiosity.

"The shop symbol," he replies, waving the brush dipped in bright red paint beside his head in a lofty fashion, "So you'll remember who to run to when there are too many hands pulling at you,"

Naruto stares- shocked into crying.

…

"_**Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference," –Libbie Fudium**_

…

They are on the roof again _(where the world isn't alive and I just can't say no- can't _ever _say no- when they're both asking me with their eyes all soft and pleading_), the snow piled much higher than the last time, and Naruto wishes he could be buried in it already.

Naruto feels the emptiness inside of him. Feels the knife of hunger carve him hallow, but Ino says resisting food will make him stronger than everyone else. Maybe the wind will blow him into tiny fragments like the snow, and he'll finally be gone forever. He closes his eyes to the white above him, feels snow flakes tickle his nose and whisper in his ears the terror and quest of falling from the heights above. _I want to fall like that; fall and fade away into nothingness. No mess, no scene. Just a little drop of water stuck in someone's stray hair._

Naruto allows the gusting breeze to topple him over into the piling snow, arms stretched out as if about to make an angel. His throat catches, and he coughs to fight the burning. The freezing. Sakura is in her mound of blankets and mittens, reading from her little diary because she likes to review what she writes in there and likes to remember what her thoughts were from years ago, and Sasuke is leaning against the roof's perimeter wall looking down at the world below, seemingly a part of the cascading sleet like he might wish to disappear as well.

Naruto wonders which would be better: _Me or him? _Even if it is a dumb question because Sasuke and Sakura are more complete than Sakura and Naruto.

His phone buzzes once, catching Sakura's attention. She closes her little book of secrets and shuffles closer as Naruto pulls the phone out of his jacket's inner pocket. The screen is dotted with flurries immediately.

_Party 2nite baby bro. time to meet tha Bee, _Ino says from behind the snow flakes.

Sakura looks over his shoulder to read, and Naruto thinks fondly on her curiosity- she always wants to know what's going on with her boys- but tilts the phone to try and make his conversation discreet. The last thing he wants is for her to know what they're talking about.

_got wrk until 7 meet you at dei's after?_

He pushes send, and his friend makes a strange noise in the back of her throat right at his ear, and he had miscalculated how eager she was to know what was going on.

"You have a job? When did that happen?" she asks, a little miffed, but masking it behind a calm, pleasantly curious voice. Prodding. Searching.

"Yeah- ...a paint store. I started a couple of weeks ago," he hesitates, doesn't give them details because he needs ANBU to be his little secret just like Sakura's diary. He needs a nondestructive place to review his thoughts or not think at all- not influenced by Ino or We Three or the Rules. He rubs absently at the still lingering spot Sai painted on his cheek the day before.

"I didn't know you were into painting," Sakura replies tersely, and it's obvious she doesn't like not knowing.

Naruto grins to diffuse the tension, in fear it'll catch Sasuke's attention, and the Uchiha'll never let it go if he hears something is amiss with him. It's programmed into their friendship, this almost obsessive _concernhonestylove_ between the three of them.

"You should see my room," he says with an easy chuckle, hoping to get her off his back with other thoughts than on what he's been doing without them, "Anyway, it's just a small..."

He trails of because Ino has replied with a long _wooorrrd_. The blonde snorts as he answers: _ask Dei if I can wear his gold jeans?_

"Who is that you're texting?" Sakura asks, no longer bothering to be subtle because she probably realizes it's been _daysweeksmonths_ since she's even stepped foot inside his apartment.

"No one," he replies instantly, sliding the phone closed and snapping the buttons on his pocket back open to put it in the safety of his person.

She suddenly pounces in a storm of blankets, taking his phone and dashing off to the other side of the roof while Naruto tries find his feet and not to panic at the same time. She doesn't even disguise reading the conversation, and he knows she is scandalized, "Naruto! You can't go partying on a weeknight- you shouldn't be partying in the first place! You'll get into drugs and drinking-"

_Too late-_- "And you've already missed so much school from being sick-" _And I ate away so much time worrying she didn't believe that excuse_- "You look sick all the time anyway. Are you crazy?"

Naruto sits up and shakes his head quickly because Sasuke is looking at them, approaching. Naruto scrambles up in order to reach Sakura, but in her outburst she has stormed back over to him. Naruto grabs his phone from her and successfully tucks it away.

"Who is it sending you those?" she asks again, sounding every bit the part of an angry mother.

Naruto hesitates, knowing the truth will make it all the more worse, but knowing Ino's name rests at the top of the string of conversation, and if Sakura demanded it, she could tell Sasuke to retrieve the phone from him; "Ino,"

"_Ino?_" Sakura gasps in surprise, and the truth _does_ make it worse, because now Sakura is thinking about all the things she thinks she knows about Ino, which is really bad because Ino has never been careful about what people find out or make up, "I haven't talked to her in forever. It's kind of nostalgic," but then her expression looks worried, for Ino's reputation, "How did you meet?"

"We have second together," _And she helped me puke the first time I got wasted; she's really good at puking, Sakura_.

It is the wrong thing to say because the wheels in Sasuke's black eyes begin to rotate; "You've been skipping with her. I'd been wondering why you smell like cigarettes in PE,"

-and Naruto is _so_ obviously caught, he realizes as he whips his head to look at Sasuke imploringly (_Don't, Sasuke. Don't say anymore, please_)-

"What?" Sakura demands, "Naruto! Is that true?"

-and everything is going to fall apart in a few seconds if he couldn't somehow fix-

"I may have hung out with her only a few times, and besides- you know Jiraiya smokes,"

-but there is no stopping it this time. There are no rules to help him once disaster has been reached.

"Naruto!" Sakura looks frightened, like she can't imagine Naruto doing anything remotely bad which is strange since Naruto is the rule-breaker of the three of them, though she has no idea all the rules he's broken in just these past few seconds, "That isn't the right... _crowd_ to be around! It's not good to be around them-" and Naruto narrows his eyes at her, because Ino and Deidara and Gaara are _his_, his _family_, his angelic, fragile, troubled family, "They do _bad_ things. They have issues- do you _see_ how _skinny_ she is? Smoking cigarettes at school, cutting class, and coming to school hungover or high. It's no good! You have no idea-"

But Naruto can't hear any more of the slander (_honesty_), spins around to fully face her _(t__oo fast, silly. You don't have enough of anything in your body to keep your feet on the ground_) and takes three paces away to gather himself; "_You_ have no idea!" he snaps at her, his voice cutting clear into the winter silence.

His two best friends look startled, because Naruto has only ever raised his voice in anger at Sasuke, always taught to be polite to girls (it is one thing Jiraiya made sure to teach him).

"You don't know a thing about Ino! Or her friends! _My _friends. Not _the right crowd_? Why? Because they party on weeknights and don't make A's in school?"

He feels his anger rising at Sakura's stunned silence, because even if he knows this is going up in flames, he wants her to try to answer him, he wants her to react- _Go on, try. I dare you_.

"That's so fucking shallow!" he shouts, and adds for good measure because he's feeling particularly bratty, "And I _like_ how skinny Ino is,"

And he does, because it's what makes Ino, _Ino_. Because Ino _wants_ that to be what makes her Ino.

"Naruto- I didn't mean...," but she trails off, a hand out stretched towards him.

"You strut around," he growls in a low voice, slapping her hand away viciously, "With your perfect family, your perfect face, your perfect rep, and your perfect boyfriend," he spits out the last part, because all that acid flooding from his chest to his mouth is dying to get out, "And you act like just because you're on top, you've got some _say_ in everyone's lives-"

_Lies, all lies_, but the self-hate has got to come out somehow, some way other than throwing up food he doesn't eat- so it goes with the acid.

"Naruto," Sakura begs, and she too is standing next to Sasuke, gripping his hand tightly for courage, and Naruto _hates them for it_, "We _love _you; you've got so much potential but you're wasting it on bad decisions. I'm just trying to _help_ you-"

"Well, you're not my _goddamned _mother so shut the fuck up and butt out," he hisses and suddenly there is an ice-block of a fist slamming into his bared teeth, and Sakura screams in the background the second Sasuke lunges at him, but all is quiet panting breath when the hit lands.

Sakura looks so stunned- so tragically beautiful in the storm of tears and wind and cloud dandruff and disbelief- like it's _her_ that's been hit; "Sasuke," she sobs, her reaction too late, "No, Sasuke. Don't,"

"Don't talk to her that way," he says quietly, flexing his fingers and picking up his abandoned glove,_ and here everyone thinks chivalry is dead_.

Naruto just stares at him, feels a swell of blood at the corner of his mouth through the vicious pang in his jaw. His calm is unsettling to them; he can see Sasuke's eyebrows pull up into a crease, can see Sakura's tight shoulders tremble, a gloved hand over her mouth. All the previous anger he felt at Sakura (_for saying those things about Ino, for making Sasuke love her, for being so human_) drains out through the stream of red dripping down his chin, turning almost instantly cold in the outside temperature, mixing with the virgin white power at his ankles. He looks down at his feet, at the drops of red, and smiles bitterly. And he's just so _tired,_ because love _sucks_.

And he can't make himself gather the energy to cry (_Sakura's already doing a fine job of that_).

And a sick part of him is _glad_ she's hurting, because he's hurting, and if he can only somehow make Sasuke hurt with them, they'll be whole again.

_We Three._

So he searches for the right weapon to use in the "_I know you so well, Sasuke_" portion of his brain, because they're waiting on him- to react, to say something, to throw the next punch. Anything.

_Anything._

"If you think this somehow makes you man, you need to take some lessons from Itachi. He'll be ashamed. But Daddy will be proud, I'm sure,"

And he knows he's struck the right spot because Sasuke's face is a flash of disbelief and anger and betrayal, as crumbled as he's ever seen it.

There.

They are Whole.

But Naruto is only left with a resounding emptiness as he climbs down the ladder to go find Ino."_In times of weakness, you have only your willpower to rely on,_" he knows she'll say, even though Naruto knows he's got Ino to rely on too, "_If you're strong, nothing in the world can touch you,_"

His mouth throbs with the heady taste of copper.

_Nothing can touch me_.

…

**"_**Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense," –Mark Overby**_**

…

"Are you going to Pein's party tonight?"

Naruto is sitting in Sai's kitchen, watching him cook something that smells like heaven. His shift for the day is over, and for once, Naruto had sent Jiraiya a message telling him where he is and it's the truth- dinner at Sai's. He had come into work with a busted lip and stuck in a funk that had grated on Sai's patience for the entire three and a half hours until closing. He demanded he stay for a decent, healing meal.

So here Naruto is, sitting on the light blue marble counter next to Sai's sink, watching the tall, slim man's back as he works (and why are all the men in Naruto's life so tall?). Naruto stole some of his lounge clothes earlier, clad in a soft, thin long sleeved shirt that's baggy on him, and a loose pair of black sweats that cut off halfway down his shins.

Naruto just stares blankly at him, and upon no reply, Sai turns to look over his shoulder.

"I didn't mention I'm quite good friends with Pein? He mentioned you last time we talked,"

"What did he say?" Naruto asked, a little surprised he'd be mentioned after only fifteen seconds of his presence.

"Hmm. That you pulled on his hair,"

Naruto feels himself flush with embarrassment as he vaguely remembers wanting to touch that orange hair; "Oh," he replies thickly. Sai laughs.

"But no- I'm not going. I'm not really in the mood, you know?" Naruto finally answers the original question, kicking his feet out back and forth, his bare heels kicking the cabinets. His jaw hurts.

Sai moves around him in the small cooking area for plates, silverware, and cups; "Go sit at the table," he instructs, goading him out of the kitchen to the small, white cafe-looking-table sitting underneath one of the windows. A cup of orange juice is set before him that he drinks greedily, despite the burn in his split lips- starving. He hasn't eaten a solid thing larger than a pack of crackers at Deidara's in a few weeks, and he feels awful. The juice is halfway gone by the time Sai is back with his own cup, forks and napkins in the other hand.

"Slow down," he says softly, with a smile.

The final time he returns from the kitchen, he has two steaming plates. Naruto's mouth waters even though he doesn't know what's on them. "Lemon seasoned Tilapia with garlic and butter sauteed asparagus and sweet rice," Sai tells him and sets the plates down. Naruto grabs his fork and tries the white fillet with lemon topping. He actually _moans_ as the soft meat slides over his tongue, saturating his mouth in the best taste he's ever tasted- this beats Mikoto's cooking any day, seriously. The warmth of the food soothes his aching mouth, aching bones.

"Oh, _god_," and suddenly Naruto's so _ravenous_, like he's never been before, and makes a disgusting fool of himself by shoveling it all down without chewing most of the time, and races to the kitchen for a piling heap of seconds not caring for manners about being in someone else's house; Namikaze men eat a _lot_, so how did he go so long without food?

The blonde stands by the stove where the food is so he doesn't have to go back and forth for when (_not if_) he wants another plate-full. Its a while- his third helping- before he realizes Sai is beside him, rubbing circles into his back because Naruto is crying over the fish and rice, and he is there as he pukes into the toilet from forcing _too-much-too-fast-too-soon_.

"I have spent way too much time of my life bent over a toilet," he murmurs to himself as Sai passes him a wash cloth to wipe his face, a cup of ginger ale, and a vitamin C.

"Establish a healthy diet, and that won't happen," Sai scolds, a warm, heavy arm over his shivering shoulders, "Or I'll have you hooked to a feeding tube. Now go brush your teeth,"

Naruto laughs and does as he's told, using the extra tooth brush Sai thrusts at him.

"We should go see my room," Naruto says around the spit and brush, a line of white froth dripping its way to the bathroom floor, reminding Naruto of the blood melting in the snow on the roof at school, "I finished painting,"

_Because in between the lines of lying, getting drunk, and avoiding the entire world, the weight of a paint brush, a spray paint can is so solid._

Sai thinks this over, sees the hopeful look in oceanic eyes of sharing something important, something beautiful, of trusting. He nods, and Naruto feels a massive weight disappear from his nose, and he hadn't even known showing Sai means so much to him, until the pounding behind his ears recedes into a bee buzzing back and forth to each sides of his temporal lobe. Naruto grins- can't help it- because his room, his masterpiece (_only piece off of outside walls_) is ready and all it needs is an audience.

"Let's go now," he rushes out of his mouth faster than he had rushed the food in it earlier, feeling warm (_not just the warmth that only reaches him when his hands are stretched towards the radiator, but a bone-deep warmth, a chest warmth_), and it makes him hyper.

It is late, he knows, well past nine, but he doesn't want to walk home alone or really go back home at all, but he thinks that if Sai is with him, if he sees his wall, he'll feel all right. The food (that he didn't throw up) is warm in his stomach, and Sai's hand is warm in his own as he leads him to his car. And of course Sai drives a pale green VW.

They are across town in like thirty seconds (ten minutes, but who's counting?) and Naruto directs Sai into the parking lot. He takes the artist in between the two towering apartment sets to the tight, snow-filled alley instead of the doors, not really wanting to face Jiraiya, especially with Sai (because, as Naruto said before, Jiraiya is _nosy_). The metal stairs on the fire escape are frozen and slick, so their journey up to the third floor is slow, and they both almost lose their footing twice.

Naruto doesn't turn the lights on until the window is securely shut and Sai is sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Are you ready?" he asks excitedly, and doesn't wait for an answer before flicking the switch.

In the bright overhead light, Naruto gives his unwavering attention to Sai, staring at the dark haired young man as he stares at the far wall. Naruto doesn't need to look the wall over, having birthed it from random increments of time, each detail, each bead of sweat, like children to him. Sai is quiet, scarily so, but Naruto gives the artist time too look over his work:

It started as just a few random strokes of whatever color Naruto felt at the moment, but then he had gotten image.

"That is a giant frog," Sai finally says.

"Toad," Naruto corrects with a gin, "And yeah. That's a giant toad,"

"With a sword in its mouth,"

Naruto just keeps smiling and Sai slowly sises off the bed to look at the close up of the fierce toad's face; "And that is...?"

"My dad," Naruto laughs, "As a ninja,"

And indeed, the blonde haired man was standing on top of the toad's head, ninja stars and scrolls in hand, and a pale yellow and pink sky behind him. He face was painted with a wide grin, the face Naruto knows him best for.

"I thought so..." Sai says thoughtfully, touching the paint with his fingertips, feeling the uneven strokes that can only been seen close up.

Naruto can't stop smiling, and looks around his mostly bare room (less empty now that an entire wall is painted over, but still weirdly empty), sees Sai standing there so comfortably, how with his hand touching the belly of the giant chief toad, he looks like an actual part of the painting, as if the paint had streaked off into the white and black that makes up Sai, a dark shadow of something interesting in Naruto's otherwise blandness.

He chuckles to himself, so elated, so uplifted (_Nothing can touch me, Ino_), yanks on the beads hanging from his ceiling fan. Darkness immediately bleeds around them and the mural, and Naruto tugs on Sai's wrist until they collapse in his thin quilts. Sleeps comes so easily, Naruto thinks for sure he's still awake, even when a dream of talking toads and a masked Kakashi Sensei float up in his mind.

…

**"_**Love does not begin and end the wau we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up," – James A. Baldwin**_**

…

Naruto inhales deeply, getting a lung full of Ino's second-hand smoke and milky snow flakes. It hasn't stopped snowing since that Friday night Sai slept over (Jiraiya had walked in, and _that_ conversation had been mortifying; Naruto was still recovering), so there is a good three feet of the powdery angel's tears. They had tried to scoop out most of it from their little alley between the dumpster and Field House so that they wouldn't be soaked by the time they decided to grace the school halls with their presence, but they mostly just accomplished getting their socks wet and toes numbed. Naruto works on his own cigarette, rolling the soft stick between his thumb and forefinger absently and digging a hole with the toes of his boot in the frozen mud.

"You're looking all aglow," Ino says finally, a small twist to her maroon lips, "Get laid or something?"

Naruto laughs, tossing the smoking fag into the piles of snow, and listens to it sizzle out.

"No," he replies simply, "Actually, I... well, I ate breakfast. And dinner. And lunch. And a bag of Cheetos in between all of that,"

There is only silence, so Naruto pushes forward; "And I figure since my life is still in the shitter, why make it harder by making myself all weak and unhealthy? And I'm not preaching, because I already told you I think you're beautiful. But if you ever want change," Naruto looks up into those sunken, stunning blue eyes that look so much like his own (because two days of a balanced diet does not make up for weeks of drugs and self-inflicted near-starvation), and he sees himself, his reflection, in them, "Or get tired of it, or just feel ready; maybe you should talk to your dad. That's the root of all this, isn't it? And I'm no where near confronting my own issues, but it's still something to keep in mind, you know?"

Ino smiles that honest, I'm-not-being-a-crass-teenager smile.

"I envy you," she says, and her voice sounds a little watery, a little far away, "Because I only feel pretty when I'm hungry. When I'm hungry, all I can think is 'If you want to see food, look at your thighs'. Because I can't be that strong. But I feel like a could be one day. I mean, I've lived so long by all these rules I've given myself: if I've gained weight, I starve, but I've lost weight, I starve. I have to buy jeans a size too small so I can work into them. It's horrible, you don't have to tell me. And I know you're not lying when you say Deidara and I are pretty because I can feel it when you say it... but. I don't know if that helps or hurts,"

She doesn't cry because that's too _un-Ino_, but Naruto reaches for her through the layers of skeletal snow and holds her as she shakes, shoulders sobbing dryly. They listen to the sound of distant passing cars (the few that are in Konoha), hard falling cotton candy. Her nose is cold to Naruto's neck, and it's awkward because she is taller than him, but neither mind. Let the world fade to nothingness, to those few hours with Itachi or Neji, to his bedroom where Sai- and he, himself- saw him as a fellow artist for the first time, or the booming Warehouses of debauchery.

"By the way," Ino says, once they make it back Earth's surface by following the string of bells for second block, "Why'd you bail out on Pein's party Friday night?"

They slip into the crowd of the hall masses easily, undetected coming from the outside; "I work at this art shop, and well. Me and Sakura and Sasuke got in a fight, and the guy I work for- Sai- he always makes me feel better, I guess. So I hung out with him,"

Ino laughs, grabs his hand with her icy palm and talons as they round a corner, swings their joined hands back and forth.

"Why haven't you mentioned him before?" she demands in mock offense, then raises her voice, "Naruto's got a _booooy_-friend!" in a sing songy way, and Naruto would have been fine with it, wouldn't have been embarrassed or anything, but as they finish rounding the corner and Ino is singing out the last of her phrase for the entire school to hear, he's caught in a black eyed gaze from across the hall, and _he's such an idiot_ for not thinking to go around Sakura's locker. And Sasuke is looking at him dead on, face so painfully blank, but Ino is oblivious- drags him the rest of the way down the hall to safety.

And it doesn't matter anyway, because by this time, he's gotten used to the waves of retching that will come crashing down on him once the shock runs out. He manages to keep his breakfast down.

"Hey, Ino," -and who cares if they just walked into school?-, "I'd rather die than go to PE," _with SasuSaku_.

Ino looks him over before a wicked grin comes to her face.

"Perfect. Let's go find Gaara. I've always wanted to try my hand at group suicide,"

…

**"_You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation... and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not glee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else," –Herman Hesse_**

**…**

**"Naruto****,****"**

The blonde looks up from the shelves of dusty clay figurines of owls and toads (per Naruto's request; some of which he and Sai had made themselves just a few hours ago). Sai is rubbing his hands and arms with a damp cloth, cleaning them of the fine layer of silt painted into his pores, and looking at him expectantly.

"Are you failing?"

He can't help it- Naruto sputters, offended, embarrassed, nearly knocking the fine pottery to the floor. But his initial reaction doesn't last long as he quickly realizes Sai is being serious and that well, it isn't exactly an uncalled for question- his new partying lifestyle wasn't a secret to the man if he knew Pein (he's missed a week's worth of Pre-Cal and practically a _month's_ in Mythology; English is different though because- _Itachi is different, special_). He grins sheepishly, feeling the back of his neck get hot.

"No," he says with an air of nonchalance, "But I'm pretty fucking close. Why?"

"I was wondering if you could graduate early. This December," Sai says, and it's so random and surprising that Naruto turns his body fully toward him so that he can step closer in curiosity, "A property has opened up in Suna for me to expand, and I would like to be moved in and ready to open by February,"

Naruto still doesn't know where this is going, doesn't follow where the artist is taking him; "I would like for you to come with me,"

It's amazing- the best idea Naruto has ever heard. Can he do it? Does he have the credits to graduate early? (Probably not). And if not, is he above stopping his education at a high school level, drop out, lead the life of a free-lance artist? (He could; he can. Plus, there's always a GED to fall back on). He gets swept up in imagining what his life would become: running a dingy art shop in a Territory hundreds of miles away from here, no Kiba or Ino or Deidara or parties, and that is sad. But there would be no Sasuke. No Sakura._ No Rules_. And there would be a hundred new walls to paint on, a hundred new faces that won't make him want to fucking _kill himself_.

He grins up at Sai, feeling ecstatic.

"I'll think about it,"

Apparently, that's gold to Sai because he grabs Naruto by the back of the neck and kisses him, and so happy to be standing in this little world (_their_ little world) where no Uchiha or Sasuke has ever even _thought_ of, Naruto thinks he _might_ be kissing him back, and they're both covered in clay again.

…

"_**Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart," –Washington Irving**_

…

"Please," Gaara begs with a velvet voice through his burning cig, "Just tell her all about this boyfriend so she'll shut up,"

Ino beams at him, throws her hands up in victory; "Exactly! Come on, Naruto- you only mentioned him once on purpose. That's so not fair. As your sister I have to make sure he's good enough,"

"He's not my boyfriend," Naruto rolls his eyes. He doesn't know why he is resisting so much; maybe because Sai has been his secret for so long it doesn't feel right sharing? But Ino doesn't talk to Sasuke or Sakura, or anyone else that would somehow get it around to them. He shifts his feet around in the snow, uncertain. And it's not like she'll go around talking about it to everyone- except Deidara.

"Sai is just... He's like Itachi, I guess. Special," the blonde fumbled for the right words, blinking his rapidly so that the smoke of Ino and Gaara's fags will stop burning, "Well, sort of. I really like him. He's weird and creepy sometimes. And he knows Pein somehow, but I still haven't worked that out. And I love his paintings and his shop,"

"Sounds like love," Ino sighs dramatically, the back of her hand on her forehead.

Naruto frowns, because she isn't getting it. It _isn't_ love, is what he's trying to say. Anything _but_ love (because the only person who's ever gotten there is Sasuke and that ended up being a disaster for him); "Yesterday, he...,"

"Yeah?"

"He's got this new place to build another shop. Bigger. He wants to expand. And yesterday, he asked me if I wanted to go with him. To live with him in Suna-" _and we maybesortof kissed, Ino Almost with tongue_- "I think... I think I'm really gonna go,"

"That's so romantic!" Ino is swooning now, and Gaara is rolling his eyes because those are their typical, familiar selves, and Naruto smiles because it's been a while since he's been able to call anything pleasantly familiar. He absently fingers at his bangs that have grown out to sweep at his eyes and reddened cheekbones.

"Hey, wait," Ino says, her thinly plucked, almost invisible blonde eyebrows furrowed, ruining her flawless forehead, "If you're running off to elope with Sai in the distant sandy coast of Suna, why are you still wearing Itachi's ring?"

Naruto pulls his hand from his hair to look at the heavy ring on his thumb. He thinks for a while in the silence of their dumpster hiding place and sighs fondly; "Itachi... We may not be _romantic_... our bond is still really special,"

And could never compare to Sai, really, Naruto decides as he focuses back on the very man he and his friends had been talking about earlier that morning (they had skipped first and second, and Naruto was making up his missed work in Itachi's empty room).

"You're skipping your third class in order to make up for skipping mine," Itachi snaps rather irritatedly, "You need to stop this foolishness, you silly brat,"

Naruto isn't fooled though, just grins and continues copying down the pages out of their Lit book for reading so he can work on hanging up more Christmas decorations in Itachi's little work space. It's really pleasing to see the serious man sit among the blinking lights and stockings nailed to the front of his desk.

"So besides the obvious normal stuff, you got anything special planned for the holidays?" Naruto asks as he stands on his tip-toes to hang au a stuffed _Elf on the Shelf_ on Itachi's bookcase.

"Actually," Itachi says, awkwardly and slow, like he's hesitant to say, "I met a man through my father's business shenanigans. His name is Kisame, and when we met... We have a lot in common. He lives in Kiri and has extended an invitation to me to stay at his home for a few weeks,"

Naruto stares at him in shock, mouth a little slack and arms hanging up in the air like he's expecting something to drop from the ceiling, Christmas décor forgotten. Itachi _met_ someone? Like, someone he _likes_?

Naruto pouts and teases; "I can't help feeling a little jealous. And here I thought my angelic features were wooing you,"

He gives up on the paper snowflakes he wanted to hang from the ceiling to walk over to Itachi's only _slightly_ amused and seated form and leans his head on his shoulder.

"I have a confession," he states in the silence solemnly, and Itachi just waits, a little tense against Naruto's cheek, "I'm going to drop out,"

Itachi doesn't speak.

"I... That guy who owns ANBU. Sai. I work for him, you know? And he's expanding the shop. He'll hire someone here to run the store while he sets up another place to open, and he's asked me to go with him. To Suna,"

A hand with slim fingers and clean, short nails comes to brush Naruto's unmanageable locks.

"You really want to go?"

_At the cost of his education? His home here? At the cost of Sasuke and Sakura?_

"Yeah,"

The elder man sighs, and Naruto cannot miss the sadness it holds; "It surprises me every time I realize you are all growing up. Going out into the world to support yourselves. It is no easy task. I wish I could teach you more- to prepare you for what you will face,"

Naruto swallows thickly, knowing it must be difficult for Itachi to make such an admission before he does what he does best, which is defuse a tense situation. He pulls away so that Itachi can't see his sly grin and waggling eyebrows.

"I don't know. You've taught me pretty well- I'm a learned man from your... _teachings_,"

Itachi cuffs the side of Naruto's head, but they both laugh softly at one another, no tense feelings or regret. Their mirth dwindles off to fond smiles, until Itachi grows serious again.

"I am astute enough to know you are having a hard time with Sasuke and Sakura at the moment. Whether it be a fight or a difference in the paths you have chosen, I would like to remind you that no petty teen arguments can change that you are family to us. And as such, if Sasuke has not mentioned it, I would like to invite you to our annual Christmas Celebration that is this weekend. Mother would be devastated if you broke your record of attendance. Bring your friend Ino, if it makes you more comfortable,"

Naruto smiles- sheepishly, ruefully. Because Itachi is so thoughtful and perceptive. Because he somehow knows Naruto had been agonizing over the possibility of not getting to be there to partake in tradition (_because Sasuke has made himself and Sakura off-limits since the day on the roof_). Because ever since he was freaking seven, he's been present at Mikoto's Christmas party, drinking spiked cider and making mistletoe jokes with his friends (_We Three giggling stupidly over what we thought were adult jokes_), and helping Kiba replace the angel at the top of the tree for a golden plated swastika, playing spin the bottle with the debauched angel.

Sakura and Sasuke's first kiss.

Naruto and Sasuke's second, though only the two of them knew that.

So even though it will probably be the death of him, the destruction of his weakened defenses, he looks Itachi in the eye (_looks the bull in the eyes_) and grins.

"I'll be there,"


	6. The silver

**We Three**

_Seven years alone is a long time._

_Eleven years after, and I am no longer alone._

_It is just as agonizing._

…

"I can't believe you're making me go to some fruity Christmas party when we could be having fun at a _real_ party! With real friends and real music and _real_ drugs–"

"Ino, shut the fuck up," Naruto interrupts her, unbuckling the seat belt to the driver's seat of Jiraiya's truck, not feeling an ounce of sympathy for his pseudo-sister, "I'm taking us to Pein's damn party after this, okay? I've just got to make an appearance for an hour or so, and then we can go get drunk or whatever. Besides, how often do we get to dress all fancy?"

Naruto glances at the blonde girl in all her silence as he cuts the engine and straightens his tie. She is pouting, crossing her arms over her fluffy white fur coat and shaking her head in that condescending, annoyed manner she does, her crystal earrings glimmering. She looks absolutely stunning sitting in this old Ford '95.

Deidara had turned into an otherworldly work of magic when they had gone to his apartment before the party for a fix-up in a hurry. He had somehow used a mixture of rouge and silver eyeliner to make Ino look ten times healthier, happier. It's somewhat saddening to see what she could be. What she could have been. (_Laughing with Sasuke and Sakura, being the gossipy, perfect best friend to them instead of doing her best to wither away, while Naruto wastes away all alone, never finds Deidara or Gaara or Pein or the Warehouses or a scale that reads back zero_). Deidara had been ecstatic to help them get pretty ("You both look so gorgeous. I wish I could keep you all to myself," and they had laughed and winked at each other and Gaara had shown them a rare smile).

"Gaara's probably dancing all alone," she whines, but she's unbuckling too and opening the passenger door and pulling on her black heels, "And I don't like dressing fancy!"

"In the jeans he's wearing tonight? I doubt it,"

Ino is not amused, but she stops complaining for the seconds it takes to get around the front of the truck and to the concrete driveway they parked next to. It had been swept of snow and ice earlier for this event. There are more cars filling up the driveway and curb on either side of the house, and the house itself is lit up.

"Shit," Ino mutters with a playful snort, "Look at this place; they obviously don't believe in overkill, eh?"

Naruto nods, having already expected her reaction- it was everyone's. The Uchiha family is rich, and they live in a house that shows it. While their home certainly isn't the biggest in Konoha (the Hokage and Orochimaru's houses are five times bigger), it is a tall two stories, decorated with shimmering ice-sickles and blinking strings of light that Naruto knows took them hours to hang- it usually ranges from a two to three day project putting them up and taking them down.

Naruto takes Ino by her freezing hand (_for the strength, he knows she knows_) and leads her up the wet driveway to the front patio. The big windows in the front have their blinds up to show off the white frosted fern inside the foyer. He doesn't knock or ring because this is almost just as much his house as the owners', swings the door open and pushes his date into the warmth of a heater and the smell of gingerbread cookies.

Mikoto, ever the perfect host, is waiting by the door, a tray of drinks in hand and a charming smile on her beautiful face. She is wearing a slim, long silky emerald green dress, her long black hair pinned up in a jeweled bun. Naruto is used to the 'Uchiha experience', but Ino is not. She is stiff with the intensity of the decorations and lights and _Celtic Thunder_ singing _All I Want for Christmas_ softly in the background and Mikoto's fluttering hands on Naruto's cheeks and arms, and he gives the blonde girl some space in order to _acclimate_.

"Naruto!" the woman gushes happily, placing the tray on a shelf so she can dart forward and pull him into a tight hug. He melts into it, grinning as well, because nothing matters when this woman's arms are around you, squeezes her just as hard.

"I was worried you couldn't make it! When you didn't come to help us set up Monday, I had to ask and Sasuke said you've been feeling under the weather, but insisted you didn't need me to check in on you and Jiraiya. Mislaid trust, if I have any say, and I was actually just about to call that silly man to make sure he was taking care of you properly,"

It's a bit hard to swallow at this, but Naruto just kisses each of Mikoto's rosy cheeks to hide his faltering smile, because along with his traditional attendance, he also helps put out the lights and rearrange the living room into an entertainment center ("Fu's gotten too old to do it all by himself, you know," Mikoto would say apologetically when Itachi and Sasuke sported a strained back the next day), tries not to feel so ashamed.

"Mikoto," Naruto says with affection, gesturing to his blonde date, "This is the lovely Yamanaka Ino, my companion for the evening. She goes to school with us. Ino, this is the wonderful Uchiha Mikoto, our hostess,"

"Of course," Mikoto nods, taking Ino's hand for a shake and pleasant pat, "My husband knows your father; business tycoons make the world seem so much smaller,"

Ino gives a kind of awkward jerky nod, her usually sneering smile softer in the golden glow of the chandelier overhead; "It's good to meet you. I didn't know Naruto was so close to the Uchiha family,"

His blonde sister gives him a kind of accusing stare, because it is just another piece of information about himself he'd not told her, but Mikoto doesn't seem to notice.

"Oh, yes. If not for his grandfather, I would have stolen the chance to raise him as my own. Naruto is practically blood,"

_(Blood because it's ripped out of me and threaded into these walls, these people, until I'm swallowed up into Scarlet Nothingness)._

It makes him so happy, so thankful, and so sad. He grins at her to ward off the burning in his eyes; "You look too young to play the part of my mom," he tells her with a wink, and Mikoto slaps his arm playfully, laughing.

"Flirting with married women again, Naruto?" a soft, teasing, _dangerous_ voice says from down the hall, and Naruto sees the lean figure of one very attractive Itachi sauntering toward them, wine glass in hand. He is wearing not his usual black, but a slimming dark gray-purple button-up that leaves Naruto feeling a little hot around somewhere south of his waistline.

"Jealous?" Naruto asks brazenly, reaching out for the wine when he gets close enough, finishes it off. Normally he wouldn't dare show this side of his darker self in front of Sasuke's mother, but hey. It's a party. Chalk it up to the holiday buzz in the air, and she doesn't say anything about the crass behavior.

"Only if you replace me as Mother's favorite son," the Uchiha heir snatches the now empty glass back defensively with a smirk.

"Now, now noys. You know I don't play favorites," Mikoto insists sternly, brushing Itahci's shoulders off and straightening his collar. They smile at each other at the familiarity of the situation, but Naruto doesn't want Ino to feel left out so he puts his arm around her and brings her forward so that she isn't crowded against the front door.

"Ino, you know Itachi as _Uchiha-Sensei_, but here, we all know him as weasel," the blonde laughs as Itachi rolls his eyes.

"Mother, why don't you go finish of the dessert. I can take care of these drinks while I give Ino the tour,"

"_A tour_?" Ino mouths at Naruto as Mikoto thanks her son and flits off to be perfect somewhere else, and he smiles at the girl's expense, because every Uchiha household first-timer gets the tour.

"We'll make it quick," he whispers a promise halfheartedly. Itachi chuckles low in his throat.

"This house is actually one of the first ever built in Konoha," Itachi begins, well-versed in his family history, "Uchiha Madara, co-founder of the city, and his younger brother designed it, and it has been renovated only twice, still exact replicas of the original," they turn out of the front foyer to the dining room.

There is a long table, which is typical furbishing- but what makes it special is the hole cut out in the center so a large tree can grow up from the ground and to the ceiling, branches stretching all the way to the sides of the room, and bathing the whole area in a sweet flower smell, lanterns hanging from the ceiling and peeking through the canopy, "As a symbol of eternal Spring, they planted this Magnolia. This room's walls and ceilings are made of a special plaster and marble that won't erode from the branches. The tree goes straight to the ground,"

"Last year, they had to redo the flooring because roots kept pushing against the foundation," Naruto adds, reaching up to pluck a white bloom to place in Ino's hair, then stage whispers, "But they're too stubborn to just remove the freaking _tree-_ growing in their _house,_"

Ino smiles and laughs and touches the flower's soft petals fondly, placing her hand at the crook of Naruto's arm.

"Well, the condition of the house was never helped by your shenanigans," Itachi accuses, sweeping aside some of the wrinkled, fallen petals to the side with a polished black shoe, then turns to Naruto's date, "We had to replace the ceiling's wax coat three times in one year because they wouldn't stop swinging from the branches,"

Naruto gasps in horror; "Don't act like you weren't in on that game of hide and seek, Itachi. You were the one who climbed all the way to the top and busted half the lanterns on your way down,"

Itachi just avoids making eye contact and doesn't comment.

Ino whistles, impressed at the greenery. They leave the Uchiha _Sacred Tree_ behind them to take Ino to the next weird thing Fugaku has kept all these years. Naurto just shakes his head in mock wonder and leads her by the elbow to another room. It is open, except for the torrents of water, rushing a path cut into the floors all leading to and starting from a rotating wheel.

"Is that a...?"

"Water mill," Naruto supplies with a smile.

"The house isn't run by the village electricity supplier, but powered by this mill. The utility bill is made up for in water, and we have to reinstall a filter every year, but again, it was part of the original design," Itachi explains, watching the water follow the rows cut into the floor to the generator hooked up at the mill.

"When we were eight, Sasuke and I tried to go swimming in the little ditches," Naruto laughs, "We brought our LEGO toys and they ended up tearing up the filter. They were out of power for a _week_,"

"That sounds like something you would do," Ino drawls with a smirk.

"Hey- I had an accomplice. And the swimming was _his_ idea,"

"And I got in trouble because I was supposed to have been watching you,"Itachi says with a thoughtful tone.

Usually, the tour would continue to the kitchen and sun room and upstairs, but Itachi and Naruto figure Ino isn't that interested in a history lesson. So they lead her back to the living room, and they stand in the doorway to simply take in the cheer of a party in full-swing. The majority of their graduating class is present, all friends since at least their first Genin year: laughing, dancing, gossiping. There- the big tree, angel still in its rightful place. The couches have been pushed back against the walls with more folding chairs, a table has been set up.

It is the same scene Naruto has witnessed for years.

He wishes he could be as happy now as he had been those other times, and the thought gives him a sense of Finality. Of death.

(_Will this be the last time I'm Here?_)

"Look!" someone- most likely Kiba- calls over the raucous, "Naruto and Itachi are standing under the mistletoe!"

There are several reactions, as Naruto looks up and, yes, there is mistletoe nailed above the door frame (the location of the sacred mistletoe changes each year, the most fruitful having been two years ago when it was above the bathroom door, because everyone has to use the bathroom at some point); "But Itachi's a teacher!", "The age difference!", "They won't _possibly_-", "Itachi isn't _gay_!".

"That's hot!" TenTen shouts with a laugh over the objections, her glass of eggnog up in the air as if giving a toast, and it causes a ripple of chortles through his friends, and never one to disappoint (he _is_ the life of every party, he likes to think; _except for the party's goal is to be dead by morning, like the one he'll go to with Ino after all of this_), Naruto grabs a slightly amused Uchiha by the buttons on his collar and lays one on him, consequences be damned (_at least for now; if anything too drastic happens, he'll soon be forgetting it at Pein's cult party_). It's familiar and brief, and when they break apart they are smiling, and it takes a second for the room to erupt.

Naruto gives a bow at the room, and it's the first time in _weeks_ he is the reason Sakura is laughing, but next to her, Sasuke looks- pissed. Naruto's jaw and lip give a painful throb in memory, and he can almost feel his blood dripping cold down his white skin to the white earth.

"Wait!" Neji shouts, trying to weave around TenTen and Chouji, "Don't move Naruto; I'm next!" which causes more laughter (and a darker scowl on Sasuke's face- _what are you getting so upset for? You've got everything you want standing beside you in a little gold dress that does wonders for her pale thighs and enticing eyes_).

Naruto raises his hands to calm the noise, and the group responds positively; "Now, now. I'm sure many of you are dying to get some 'a this, but Itachi did invite me. So I was just-" he waggles his eyebrows at the crowd, "showing my... _appreciation_,"

"And what do I get for my soiled reputation?" Itachi asks, one eyebrow raised. Naruto looks up at him with a roguish grin full of mischievous teeth.

"If you want more, you need only ask," he purrs _almost_ quiet enough for the others to not hear, and gives them all a coquettishly sweeping glance from the corners of his lowered eyelids, "And your reputation is safe. You see-" the blonde reaches to where Ino had taken place a few inches behind him and swings her forward until she is in the light (and Naruto thinks the long, draping blue dress she's wearing looks so stunning on her), "I've got my date right here. To veil our raunchy affair, of course,"

Naruto smacks a grossly wet kiss to her cheek while they are the focus of everyone's attention, and she pretends to fight him off with an uncharacteristic squeal of "Oh, my!" for show; "Now, where's that mutt-face Kiba? I've got a new prank this year...,"

"I'll forgive you for calling me mutt-face if it's a good one!" his brunet friend yells from the window side of the tree where he is preparing the climb up to the top to get the tattered angel that hasn't been replaced in the last half decade (the one before the incident of a tequila christening).

And as long as Naruto keeps himself distracted, everything rolls along exactly like it should.

"Listen, guys," Kiba says seriously to the gathered teens around the tree as Naruto tries to climb on his friend's back, "I'm telling you, St. Nick is fucking _real_,"

The blonde snorts and rolls his eyes; "Okay, little helper elf. Stop moving, or this tree is going to fall on top of Hinata. And break her,"

And if the tree did topple over, it would break Hinata as it is almost six times her six and weight. Said girl giggles nervously moves her chair over a little so that she is farther out of the tree's path and closer to where Ino and Sakura sit with TenTen and Lee. Ino laughs, thoroughly enjoying the debauching of the angel.

Kiba jabs at Naruto's leg with an angry knuckle.

"I'm serious! I had to fix some shingles from weather damage with my dad at my house after the winter season. And there were sled tracks carved into roof! _Sled tracks_!"

"Maybe it was the huge ass Oak that you have to clip back every summer," he tries to dissuade his dog loving friend, finally gaining enough balance to sit up straighter on Kiba's broad shoulders.

"Uh-huh," Naruto replies absently, his stretching fingertips grazing the bottom of the angel's lacy dress. His chest collids with the tree's branches, sending a shower of green bristles onto Kiba's head.

"Oi! I still have to look presentable for the _kissing_ part of this mission! You know, after we get the doll down and spin it," Kiba snaps, shaking his head and inevitably shaking Naruto precariously. The blonde yelps, and Sakura watches worriedly.

"Kiba, be _careful_," she pleads, "Don't break my blonde,"

Naruto hides his face in the thick fern so they won't see his frown. He doesn't think he wants to be Sakura's blonde anymore. His eyes meet Ino's around a mass of ornaments and twigs, and she smirks knowingly at him (_I'm Ino's blonde angel-brother now, Sakura; you've been replaced by a pair of glowing ribs and hollow eyes_).

Once the angel is down, replaced with a David's Star this time (none of them are Jewish, sadly), Naruto and Kiba separate from the rest of the party to get their secret supplies. The blonde leaves Ino behind to fend for herself and feels only a little guilty because he's fairly certain she can take care of herself.

Itachi plays a few games of Shogi with Shikamaru and Chouji, the girls make their little pack next to the table of cookies and other delicacies powdered in sugar or frosting (Ino hesitantly finding her place in conversation with Hinata and Sakura because she hasn't really spoken to them since she traded math for pot and spelling for booze).

It isn't until Naruto and Kiba finish their trap (a piece of a water hose punctured with holes, filled with fine glitter, and mounted above the downstairs toilet that will shower anyone with silver fairy dust, triggered by the flushing of the toilet- and he is in his element because Sasuke and Sakura remain mostly out of sight the entire time), that they begin dancing again.

"My lady?" Naruto asks Ino, and they have a hard time dancing to the slow instrumental music because they're so used to fast _grindingblastingthrusting_ of the night scene.

He dances with every girl, like he always makes sure to do, Hinata blushing nicely, TenTen insisting she gets to lead, and he even convinces Mikoto to do a little number with him of spins and dips. Everyone; except Sakura. Except Sakura because her skin will surly burn his if they touch, because it is a sin to touch her, an abomination in the sight of the Rules (_because I know I'll break them if I get that close to her now_).

He dances with Neji (who comes back from the bathroom covered in glitter), and convinces Itachi to further degrade himself by engaging in a dramatic tango that has everyone laughing in disbelief again, in order to sit out of playing spin the bottle (_because if he has to look at Sakura hoping the little angel's halo points to Sasuke every time she spins it he isn't sure he can keep himself from shoving the ornament down her throat or his own_). He watches from a safe distance as Shikamaru kisses Ino, Kiba kisses Neji- an overall traumatizing experience for them both, and Naruto is surprised to learn that Kiba and Hinata are dating! (_The world doesn't stop just for your miseries and woes, kid_).

He just wishes he is distracted enough to not notice Sasuke and Sakura slipping out to the back patio two hours into the party (_way longer than he intended to stay; shouldn't even be here by now_), his stomach in knots from not knowing what they do in privacy and from _knowing_ what they do in privacy.

(_Stop it. You're being silly. Enjoy this night as it is; they're just going to get some fresh air._)

"Stop it," he whispers to himself, closing his eyes to the smell of fern and sound of hormones, and sits down on one of the soft blue, cloth couches.

"Naruto?" Ino, having probably sensed his sudden distress (she has ESP when it comes to him and Deidara and Gaara- _"Because we've got the same spirit," she preaches_) is there, and her voice is soft, inquiring, because she's seen him get like this numerous times in the calm of their smoking or watching TV at Deidara's (talking to himself through the iron clench of his teeth on the insides of his cheeks, murmuring under his breath "_123123123123_", pulling hard on his hair, tapping his foot rapidly nonstop), "I think it's better that we go now, Naruto,"

(_Before you have a meltdown_).

Naruto takes a shuddering breath and smiles at her in what he hopes is a reassuring way. She rests her forehead against his, blowing a stream of cool air to the side of his temple.

"Yeah," Naruto croaks, looking up at her, faces close, noses brushing, blue eyes mirroring his own in their animated _vacancy_, "Yeah, I think you're right. We were supposed to meet up with Gaara and Deidara an hour ago. Dei's probably throwing a fit-"

A scream breaks through the boisterous party, cutting off the chatter and clatter, hearts pounding or stopping. Neji stands up in alarm, the first one to move. Everyone's eyes are on the sliding doors of the patio, squinting into the darkness because the moonlight is a lot darker than the inner lights of saints (_except for Ino and Naruto, because their souls are so much blacker than these disciples sitting in this room, sitting in levels of purity he has not known for years_).

And suddenly, Sakura comes tumbling inside from the patio doors dusted with snow, and everyone's about to ask "what's happened-what's wrong-are you okay?" in one breath because she's crying- _but she's smiling_. She squeals again, bounces on the balls of her cute silver sequined heels, laughing hysterically:

"He proposed!" she shouts, beaming, flashing the glittering jewel on her finger- the ticket to her _Happily Ever After_- that they can all clearly see from across the room, because an Uchiha knows when to use his wealth, "Oh my god, we're _engaged_!"

And Naruto is just frozen, sitting on the couch so still it hurts, Ino's nails sharp on his shoulder. And everyone cheers- fucking _cheers_- as Sakura is crowded with her girlfriends, all screaming with her, and she is sobbing, getting hugged by Hinata because she's _so fucking happy, _and _goddamn_ her. And Sasuke;

Is just standing there.

A little off to the side, this little smile on his face (_why shouldn't he be smiling?_), Neji and Shikamaru shaking his hand, clapping him on the shoulder, none of them caring that the doors are still open and letting all the cold air in. None of them caring.

_None_.

"Aren't they cold?" Naruto asks, voice sounding like it's coming out of a small tube far away, and he'd say it's because of the blood rushing through his body, but he's sure it isn't because it doesn't feel like he has a pulse, like his blood has curdled into thick lead, filling and turning his heart solid, "Aren't they, Ino?"

_Isn't it so cold?_

And Fugaku and Mikoto come in to see the noise, and Sasuke's mother shrieks louder than Sakura, holds her tight; "You've always been family, but now you're really family!"

Naruto lets out a strangled noise, helpless because he'll never be _now you're really family_.

"Naruto," Ino says, _begs_, "We should really go,"

But he can't move, Fugaku hugging Sakura, hugging Sasuke, smiling through the stiff lines around his lips because he so rarely smiles to begin with (_but he'll smile for Sakura; he'll smile for 'really' family_), and he can't breathe (or he supposes he can't because there are little spikes of white popping into his vision, and maybe it's the lead).

"Naruto, come _on_," she's tugging at his arm, almost sounding just as desperate as Naruto feels but not quite, as Sasuke swoops Sakura into dip, into a passionate kiss (those fucking cheers _again- clapping, shouting, hurray!-ing_).

Then Sasuke looks at Naruto and their eyes meet, but Naruto can't even see anymore for some reason but _he isn't crying, he swears he isn't crying_, and Sasuke flinches away from whatever freakish, hideous expression Naruto is making because he can't feel it, can't control it, can't repeat the same reaction of a few months ago when he had the strength to rush forward, grab them both into his arms and shout with the joy he is famous for ("_Congratulations!_").

_Congratulations_, Naruto thinks, mouths the word.

The final congratulations for the final break in Naruto's mind (_the break of the war for my mind_).

"Glutton!" Ino barks at him, quiet enough to whisper but sharp enough to slice, and Naruto whips his head at her, mouth open, because it's a trigger word for him, and _finally_ she can get him to move.

She stands up, yanks him so hard he almost falls over (_How can a girl so paper thin have more strength than me?_), tears through the living room, the foyer, abandoning their coats, and out into the layers of snow. They trek through the front yard, soaking Ino's dress and heels and Naruto's ankles. She pushes him into the truck because she magically has the keys, starts it and speeds away from the Uchiha house.

"Aren't they cold," he is still mouthing to himself, no longer a question.

"Change into the clothes for Pein's party," Ino bosses him, pulling her knee up to hold the wheel while she strips her dress off and reaches for the pile of clothes for her own change. They swerve into the other lane a few times before she gets her pants on, but Naruto is in shock, in autopilot, and is glad to be told what to do. He rolls down the window because his body feels like it's _on fire_.

They are silent until halfway to Warehouse 2.

Naruto laughs loudly.

Ino doesn't say anything.

He barks out into the frosty air, his sharp cackles no more cutting than the angles of Ino's body that glow in the moonlight because she hasn't put her shirt on yet. His chest heaves, and he laughs hard, desperate because he doesn't get the joke, he doesn't know what's funny- until the laughter changes dialect, a raging cough that jars his entire body even more than Ino's driving.

He is a sinner.

"_Glutton_," he whispers, swallowing the taste of iron that he sucks from his teeth (_had he really clenched them that hard?_). This is his own fault. He _knew _this would happen. He laughs, softer this time so as not to erupt into another fit of hacking. The only words he speaks nowadays are borrowed from someone else- Deidara, Ino, the Rules. Does he even exist among the plagiarized jumble?

Isn't this what he had wanted though? To be forgotten, left behind, and swallowed up?

_The Spring, aged and dead?_

A sob bursts past the blonde's chewed lips and joins the blistering wind at his neck from the open window, as if trying to slit it open and spill out his soul- and it is followed by another and another, until there are little cries dancing with each other all over, leaving little footprints scattering about the fogged windshield. He wants to cry for help. But Ino is just as messed up as him, and they're on their way to a place with hopes of getting even more messed up.

He begins coughing again- from the shock wearing off, or maybe hoping that if he coughs long enough, the hallucinations of his dancing gasps will stop.

Ino pulls the truck to a jerky stop in front of a dark seemingly abandoned building.

Naruto's tremors and whines settle down into loud hiccups and shuddering gasps as the snow that's come through the open window soaks through his shirt and into his body- too weak to even cry properly. He hopes it will numb his aching throat as well. Maybe the cold will crawl into him, and he'd become one with the white landscape. _Fade away_.

In this moment, he might say he wishes to die.

He thinks it: _I wish I was dead_.

He opens his mouth, but can't say it when Ino is looking at him dead on as if she knows exactly how much he hates everything right now.

Naruto thinks it again and wishes he couldn't taste the honesty with it: _I wish I was dead_.

_I wish I was dead_.

_But wishing to be dead is not as good as being dead_- this slow process of trudging through the transition of breathing and not breathing. He understands now, that they all want the same thing (_blonde, blue-eyes angels; Ino says we're related, we're of one spirit_): for them to step onto the scale of existence and it read back to them '_zero_'. _You are zero_. Zero mass- is zero volume- is zero density-

Is zero existence.

Ino cuts the engine off. She isn't smiling. She isn't excited like she should be, and Naruto wants to ask her why she isn't.

She looks at him with her too-understanding eyes.

"Let's go,"

…

"_**I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too," –Chloe Woodward**_

…

He wishes to disappear, and the mass of dancers oblige him; they eat him up with different colored pills and powders, and in return he eats all of them up as well- the crowd, the darkness. He thinks Deidara and Ino and Gaara are close, but the world is nothing but heat and vibration and eternal cold as The Black Hands pull at him, drag him deeper, so deep the pressure makes his ears pop with gray paint and blood.

His throat is sore because he laughs, and for some reason he can't stop. But the real pain is coming from an impossible place, so much deeper, beyond physical. He'd think it is his mind hurting if he didn't know he's already lost it.

It isn't until he can't distinguish up from down that he finally yells into the rage, the black, the constantly moving.

"I wish I was dead!" though he can't think hard enough to remember why he'd say such a thing (but throwing up into a rusty, stained toilet afterward seems to him like reason enough).

"Maybe we should take him home...,"

"No!" he cries, banishing whomever had thought it.

"Just let him be. Let him go,"

_Let me go_.

Maybe he sees Pein's fire hair and weird eyes and alluring piercings and dances naked against his calloused hands covered in rings that remind him of someone far away with calculating red eyes, maybe he has sex with someone with glittery yellow fingernail polish against a urinal, his hands in something sticky and his knees cold from the white plaster, and maybe he snorts up something through a rolled dollar bill that makes the already fading world go full tilt. But none of it matters. Nothing matters.

He'll try anything to get rid of the cold.

(_He's tried everything already_).

And the only thing that even remotely came close was when he was either screwing Itachi or painting with Sai-

"Sai," he whispers against someone's skin, and calls louder, "Saaaaaai,"

He thinks someone replies as he tries to sit up and screws up his eyebrows.

There is something important that as something to do with Sai. Something about sand; "I haven't told him yet. My deshion... desside—in... deci... choice. I need to tell him, Ino. I _need_ to, right now. Right now, right now, right now,"

…

"_**Comfort me with apples, for I am sick of love," –Song of Solomon 2:5**_

…

"We should have taken him home hours ago, Ino,"

"He needed this,"

Someone lifts him up from the cold ground, away from the smell of urine and other ungodly odors, throws something over his legs that he vaguely realizes are bare; "Man, he got tiny fast. Faster than you, Ino. He's probably dropped twenty pounds from the beginning of November,"

"Just keep his head steady; I've got his feet. Gaara, go warm up the car. I'll drive Naruto's truck to Sai's,"

"You're actually taking him there? It's like, four in the morning. Have you ever met this guy?"

"Please, Naruto talks about him like he's some saint or something. They're leaving the Territory and moving in together in like, two weeks. I don't think he'll mind us dumping him at his place,"

"Sai," Naruto slurs before the world dips back out of focus.

…

"_**Great passions, my dear, don't exist: they're liars' fantasies. What do exist are little loves that may last for a short while or a longer while," –Anna Magnani**_

…

Needles of ice (or maybe just needles) prick Naruto into a fraction of awareness. There is a banging above his head, hollow sounding, that continues for what feels like forever; "Sai?" a loud voice calls, and at first Naruto thinks it's him yelling, but then he realizes his tongue is numb, "_Saaai!_"

Finally, with a soft screech of hinges, the banging stops, followed by angry sounding murmurs.

"Who are you?"

"...friend of Naruto's..."

"...kept talking about... your trip and...,"

"...,"

"...don't want...alone,"

A jostling of his neck.

"Please, Sai; you won't even know I'm here. I just don't want to lea..."

A blinding light through his eyelids.

"Bring him in,"

…

"_**Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop," –H. L. Mencken **_

…

Before (some immeasurable time before now; possibly a hundred years), Naruto wished to die; to stop breathing. And now he really can't. (_Breathe_).

He tries to move his arms to feel what's obstructing his windpipe, because something has to be wrapped around it. Why else would he be choking? There is something heavy lying on top of him, and when he can't get his arms up, he whines deep in his throat as his lungs burn, pushes hard onto his side into cold air, and falls.

His knees and and right shoulder slam into hardwood and his brain slaps into the back of his skull. He yelps and whimpers pitifully, gropes around in the dark over his body to make sure it's all still there because everything below his stomach feels tingly and numb except for his blistering knees.

The blaring sound of rustling sheets and hastened footsteps fills his head in thundering waves. A light flicks on and he squints through the crust sealing his eyes shut at the tall shadow that swoops down on his seizing form. Warms hands grip his forearm and the back of his knee and lift him back up on the bed. Fingers stroke up and down his chest.

"Easy," black eyes whisper.

There is another set of footfalls that come toward them that Naruto hears through his quick jerks of air; "Naruto!" Ino yells way too loudly, sounding more concerned than he's ever heard his apathetic friend, "Naruto, breathe! Nothing's suffocating you,"

Naruto tries to look over at her as he tries to calm down, but the black eyes are cupping either sides of his face, staring into him; "Shh," they say softly, "Easy, Naruto. Can you calm down for me?"

_Anything_, Naruto nods, _I can do anything for your eyes, _as his pulse slows down and he can breathe properly.

"That's it, a deep breath. Ino, get a glass of water and some paper towels,"

The blonde reaches up and clutches at a soft, t-shirt-clad torso, and he is slowly pulled up to lean against it, a cool cup of ice water pressed into his hands and against his raw lips, and it's so cold it makes his teeth ache.

_It's so cold_.

Naruto gasps at the rush in his head, drops the glass to send it toppling over his thighs and thick blankets, crumples in on himself (_physically, spiritually, wonders if Ino can feel it_), and looks up into a pale face and obsidian eyes; "Sasuke,"

But it isn't Sasuke, and he suddenly _remembers_- Ino's sparkling earrings, the sled tracks in Kiba's roof, the glitter, the kiss with Itachi, the- the...

_The engagement, Naruto. Sasuke and Sakura are engaged; to be married, to be joined in holy matrimony, to be whisked away off into a fairytale sunset that will only give you a bad sunburn._

"Ha...," he sobs, a dry wretch that makes his larynx feel as if it's been clawed and pecked out by vultures. He clutches at Sai's shoulders (_Sai, not Sasuke; Sai's tranquil black eyes, not Sasuke's_). He cries: for everything wrong in his not-life. For his stupid love and stupid hate. For Ino's insecurities and Gaara's abusive father and Deidara's warped sense of self-worth. He weeps for Itachi not being able to fall in love with him, because he knows if the elder Uchiha had, it wouldn't be long for him to return the favor. But his hiccuping and snotty-but-dry heaves and broken moans of utter _despair_ are so much more than all of that, so much _more_.

It's every time he's lied (about where he is(n't) or what he's (not) doing or why he can't go or why he isn't being normal), every bout of nausea, every meal thrown up, every mirror he's taken down in his apartment because he can't stand to look at himself anymore, every class and lunch skipped, every night spent drowning in the slummy cistern of the Warehouses- _all for nothing_.

"_Fuck_," he curses, and he's gasping again, little choppy simpering noises that cut in and out, static-like; bad reception, and Sai's whispered strings of consoling comfort do _nothing_ to make him feel any better, "Where the fuck am I? Why am I-"

A palm presses against his wet mouth; "You're at ANBU's, Naruto. It's almost sunrise,"

"Shit- Sai," Narutol practically wails, "Shit. I wanted to tell you that yeah- I'd love to go with you to Suna. In fact, I've never loved the idea of anything more, especially more than I love _him_...," he trails off with that, and gets stuck in that thought, like he can't shift out of neutral.

"Doesn't he get that? Doesn't _anyone_ get that? That I _love_ him?"

He's never said it out loud before. He's hardly allowed himself to think it, but there's no reason to hold back now- it doesn't change anything (_and it wouldn't have in the first place because all of this is set in stone, in that bitch, Fate_).

_I love you, Sasuke,_ he thinks clearly, _I love you. I've loved you this whole time- the entire time. Surprise! I've been here this entire fucking time telling myself I'm not waiting for anything because I knew it'd all be for nothing. Telling myself that maybe I'd get some relief in the next life. Maybe I'd be so lucky._

And Sasuke is such a _bastard_ for not even noticing- for not even _catching on_ as to why Naruto's been so fucked up these past few months.

Sai lies Naruto back onto the bed away from the patch of ice water so he can wrap his arms around him properly, and the blonde feels Ino slide in on his other side, her long hair brushing his collar bones. He almost asks Sai if he minds that Ino is in his bed.

"All right," and when did Sai's voice get to be so soothing? "We can talk about all of that tomorrow. Get some sleep,"

Naruto shakes his head violently because, no, he doesn't want to go to sleep, doesn't _want to_ anything. He just keeps hearing 'Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke' in his head to the sound of his own mental voice like a broken record or broken brain, with a layer of 'love you, love you, love you' on top. He sobs against Ino's ribs and Sai's gentle paintist hands.

"Sleep," Sai whispers into his ear, and he thinks he hears him say again, but he's never heard Sai sound so nice, so he isn't sure, "_Sleep, angel_,"

_I am not an angel_, he wants to protest, _I am too flawed, too filthy, too Fallen_.

His sore eyes slide shut.

"Sleep," the soft command comes from somewhere higher this time, because the blonde is slipping even if he doesn't want to.

He obeys.

But his mind keeps _goinggoinggoing_ with only one coherent thought–

…

"_**It was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul," –Judy Garland**_

…

Engaged.


	7. The sand

**We Three**

_Smile if you love me._

_Forget- if you want what's best._

...

"Sai, have you seen the rest of the boxes from the back?" Naruto yells from the other side of the shop, running from one end to the other, transferring cardboard boxes to the front where the moving trucks sit waiting. He dodges around burly men with bandanas and plaid coats and thick facial hair in order to scoot all of the things they're taking with them to a place they'd have easier access.

"Which ones?" he hears Sai answer teasingly and Naruto scowls, though he knows the man can't see him.

"For the last time, I'm not letting you get rid of your old art!" the blonde demands, moving around a huge muscly man carrying boxes out to the trucks, "I told you we'll hang them up in Suna!"

"Of course, dear," he feels against his ear, and Naruto yelps in surprise as Sai's arms come around his torso.

Naruto turns his head to glare at Sai, but only ends up getting a nuzzle to his cheek which totally ruins the full effect of his angry face.

"You need to stop worrying about all of this. The guys and I will pack everything up. Go back to your place so you can finish with _your_ things. I'll be around in an hour,"

Sai withdraws from him, fingers his blonde hair for a second before urging him back outside. Naruto lets himself be lead, knowing the moment of telling Jiraiya he's leaving is upon him. He'd been putting it off for weeks, even staying at Sai's for the past few days to help him box up everything they would need for the new place. Sai squeezes his shoulder one last time before giving him a gentle shove in the back to get him walking through the snow.

"It's not like he can say no," he reminds him in what's supposed to be reassuring.

Naruto just sighs and begins the walk back to his apartment. He'd only briefly mentioned leaving Konoha once to his gramps, and only as a hypothetical scenario- but Jiraiya is an understanding person who knows Naruto's got the blood of his family in him- the type that has trouble settling down for school and a career. It'll be easy to talk to him, Naruto knows. He's just nervous. There's always a chance Jiraiya will get upset that he's leaving, and that's something Naruto is willing to put off to the very last second.

So first...

Naruto takes an alley to the left, around the west side of Haku's Diner and Tea Place, another left onto 15th Street, and smiles to himself a little sadly.

He has to say bye to Deidara, Gaara, and Ino.

The apartments the blonde man lives in aren't like his own; instead of building up, the complex built out, leaving a large area of one-story flats in its place. He walks around to the center, where a court yard lies with a pool that's been sealed off until spring rolls in. His shoes make tracks as he cuts across the yard, Deidara's door already in sight.

"Naruto!" a surprised voice echoes across the the field of snow.

He looks over his shoulder to see his sister running in the white power, a bright blue scarf flying behind in her white hair that is down for once.

"Naruto, hey! What are you doing here? I thought you leave today,"

She reaches him, and Naruto finds her expression odd- like since the last time he's seen her (_Don't think about that night, Naruto; you've been doing so well- as long as you don't think_), her face has undergone some metamorphosis, some subtle shift that makes her glow. He studies her as she bounces on the balls of her feet, _hyper_. She is grinning.

"I came to see you guys before I leave. I know we'll probably be coming back to Konoha at least once a month until we've got everything settled, but...," he gives her a shy smile, not wanting to get all sappy on her, but _I'll miss you so much_.

She just nods in understanding and grabs his hand; "Deidara isn't here. He's out doing some top secret mission or something. Left a note that says 'Happy New Year!' on his door- nothing about when he gets back or anything! Asshole. We can walk back to your place,"

Naruto 'hmm's, imagining Deidara's quick cursive writing on a wind curled piece of paper stapled to his locked door. They are silent for a while, though he can feel the energy coming off of Ino and figures it's only a matter of time before she shares what's on her mind. Her gloved hand is warm on his, like a burning cigarette in between each of his fingers.

"Did Gaara not come with you?" Naruto asks, having wanted to have a goodbye from the red head as well.

"He's with his foster family for the holidays; they left for some relatives or something yesterday morning," Ino says, kicking at the snow with the toe of her shoe.

"...so what's up?" he finally prods, hoping to push her along into telling him all that she's so uppity about.

Ino chuckles and stops walking so they can look at each other.

"You'll never guess," she says, like she's got a piece of dirty gossip- only Naruto doesn't care much for gossip.

"I won't?"

"You won't," she nods, then dives in, all hurried and frantic, "So, when I got back from Sai's my dad was there. Only, he wasn't alone- had brought home some chick with a dress way too tight and boobs way too fake. But anyway- he was going on and on about some family vacation for the holidays just him, me, and Miss Tits,"

They look at each other as they slowly begin walking again. Naruto isn't sure how to react. Should he laugh...?

"Anyway. I basically told him where he could shove his vacation, because as far as I knew, he wasn't my family. And like, how it was all his fault that Mom left and why we were falling apart, and I asked him if he can even _see_ me, you know? Then, I told that woman to get lost 'cause I'm not some freak show- you should have seen the way she was staring at me. And of course Dad tries to get her to stay, but I make it clear that she_ will not_. Then I told him he'd better straighten up so he can straighten _me_ up, because that was the last straw. What person just brings home some stranger to take on a family trip? What an idiot,"

He knows his mouth is hanging open; "What happened next?"

Ino laughs triumphantly; "I started crying and screaming about how I hated myself and all. I even threw a vase,"

"_Then_?" Naruto asks, standing much closer than necessary, grabbing her shoulders to steady himself.

"My dad canceled the trip and is spending his three weeks off with me while I'm committed. I go to the Konoha Center for Psychologically Troubled Teens tomorrow morning. The patients there shortened it to Psycho-Teen Camp,"

He can only stare at her in awe, tripping up on his feet a little before shaking himself somewhat out of his stupor.

"Uh- congratulations," he offers hesitantly (she is too happy for it not to be a good thing, but getting _committed_... should he have said good luck instead?), "Sounds- charming,"

She laughs at his conflict, and hugs his arm; "It's going to be hard, I know," she says softly, "Nothing like this is ever easy. But I think I can do it,"

"I wish I had that mindset," Naruto admits a bit bitterly, hugging her thin forearm back- it

s almost a replica of an earlier conversation- way back in November between the school dumpster and Field House- only reversed- _I wish I could be that strong_.

_Turns out, we're both messed up._

They walk the rest of the way to Naruto's in contemplative silence, stepping around cracks and ice in the sidewalks. Mercifully, there is no wind to rip at their tender skin and hollow carved bones (like they've turned into white crows). Ino bestows a cold kiss to the blonde's cheek in departure, and he flinches (feels guilty because it isn't her fault the cold is forever ruined for him).

"Happy New Year," she whispers into his chapped lips. Naruto smiles and nods.

"I'll call you,"

He leaves her standing amid the frost, almost afraid him leaving her will make her succumb to it, and walks the rest of the way to his apartment alone.

Naruto enters quietly, and Jiraiya is standing over the stove with breakfast, humming to the radio that sounds to Naruto more like static than an actual station. He watches the old man move around like he's been cooking his entire life and not eating out at casinos and host clubs, the smells of waffles browning and homemade raspberry syrup boiling heavy in the air.

"Gramps," he greets over all the noise, toes off his boots and slings his scarf and jacket over a chair to drip.

The tall, white haired man turns around, and Naruto is amused to see him wearing the pale pink, bedazzled _Kiss the Cook_ Betty Crocker apron he got for him as a gag gift a few years ago.

"Kiddo!" he yells, reaching over to turn the small radio's volume down. The fuzzy rendition of _Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer_ falls quiet, "There you are! You left right after New Year's Day without letting me know when you'd be back. But I had a feeling, you see?" he says with a grin, and gestures to the big breakfast.

Naruto laughs, and goes over to the cabinets to set the table for the two of them, Jiraiya wills their plates and Naruto gets drinks, falling into their well-trod pattern of living. He takes his time getting everything over to their seats because Sai said he's got a few hours before he has to be ready, and it's not like he's got a bunch of stuff to pack up (he and Jiraiya have always been the anti-clutter type, and the most stuff they've saved up over the years is stuff that belonged to Naruto's parents- Kushina's jewelry and karate belts, and Minato's collection of baseball cards).

They eat, and Naruto again asks himself how he could have gone so long restraining himself from something so delicious.

"So," he says once it's obvious he has to address his plans. He has Jiraiya's full attention, who had given up on trying to solve the paper's cross-word puzzle (he's shit at it), and it makes Naruto nervous again.

"So?"

"I'm leaving for Suna today,"

Warm brown eyes that Naruto has grown so familiar with, could recognize from any distance, widen in shock. It is quite for a moment before Jiraiya seems to process the information, rubbing his frosty stubble with a large hand.

"Well, you certainly waited until the last minute to say something. When do you leave?"

Naruto winces and looks out of the bright window; "A few hours?"

He sees Jiraiya slowly nod from the corner of his eye.

"I mentioned Sai before, remember? He runs that art shop on the east side of town... I'm going with him to open another shop. The moving trucks will already start heading that way soon,"

"And school? What about your last semester?"

"What if I said- hypothetically- that I may have turned in a notice to the school about me dropping out before Christmas break?" Naruto asks nervously, tugging on the hem of his shirt and twiddling with a loose string he finds there. He finally looks up.

Jiraiya's face is heavily creased with an expression Naruto certainly doesn't find encouraging.

"I guess, hypothetically, I would say that I wish you could have graduated... But that I'm not mad and don't blame you for leaving,"

Naruto gives a watery smile; "You mean it?"

Jiraiys's answering smile looks tired, but Naruto still feels relieved.

"Do you need help packing?"

Naruto's room and closet are small, so it doesn't take much to compact it all down into travel-friendly size. Jiraiya help out a lot, taking the whole thing considerably well, and Naruto wishes he had been more careful, more open with his plans to his granddad, because it is all rather depressing, packing up.

He starts with his clothes first, shoving them all in a duffel bag that will fit in Sai's trunk easily. He forgoes packing the clothes he's had since he was fifteen, making a nice big pile of the rejects (he hadn't realized how many jeans he's had slammed into the back of his closet), only taking a few changes of work clothes that he can paint in and not worry about ruining. The rest is his everyday wear and shoes. He shoves the last bit of room in the bag with his bathroom stuff, and it surprises him how quick it takes to gather the necessities up. Naruto really doesn't have a lot of possessions.

He fills a cardboard box up with his laptop, CDs, the picture of his parents, his mom's handwritten cookbook (who was a great recipe creator, but was a horrible cook- it had been Minato that brought the food from the pages to the table), and his supplies he's gotten from ANBU.

The last things are things he isn't sure he should take with him. Jiraiya watches him stare at his stuffed fox plush, chewed on from where he would nibble on its ears as a toddler, faded from the many times it's needed to go in the wash. He picks it up, sets it down on his bed, and picks up again. It finds home in the box with his laptop. Jiraiya just smiles, doesn't say anything as he hauls Naruto's bag to the front door.

Naruto takes in the empty state of his room. He leaves his bedside table alone, not bothering with the alarm clock or lamp because Sai's got all of that with his furniture. He stares at the picture of him and Sasuke and Sakura, dusty and smiling. _There's room for it_, he thinks, _there's plenty of room to just grab it and stuff it in that box. It's just down the hall; we haven't even taped it shut yet_.

His arm is stretched out to pick up the frame. It'd be so easy to take it with him.

Sasuke and Sakura are on either side of him in the picture, grinning, flashing signs with their hands. It was taken in Sakura's living room; he can see Mrs. Haruno's vase, filled with flowers in the background, because Mr. Haruno brings her home a fresh bouquet every week from the local flower shop that Ino's mom used to run. He can see his own reflection, his blank face, and grimaces at the circles that are still so dark under his eyes.

_I'm getting better_, he tells himself, _Sai says I'm looking better every day now_.

The doorbell rings, and Naruto's arm drops back t his side.

"That'll be Sai!" he calls to Jiraiya, moving to get to the living room as he hears the front door open.

The blonde pauses, and casts a glance back to the picture of his entire life in a nutshell; _We Three_. He walks over to it, pauses a second.

When he leaves the room with his last box, Sai waiting at the door, Jiraiya shaking his hand and telling him to take good care of his boy, the picture is face-down.

"Are you ready?" Sai asks with his token smile once Naruto reaches the other two men.

He nods with a smile of his own, and turns to Jiraiya to give him a big hug.

"Hang on," his gramps says, digging around in his pockets, "This was your dad's, and I think you're old enough to have it,"

It is a necklace, a black chain with an ocean blue crystal swinging from it. Naruto lets Jiraiya pout it on him and pull him into a tight bear-hug. He pretends not to see the tears in the old man's eyes.

"I'll be back sometime before January ends," Naruto says, his voice gruff with emotion.

"Get out a' here," Jiraiya says, slapping him on the shoulder.

Naruto walks with Sai to his car, and only turns back one last time to wave at Jiraiya's face peeking from the kitchen window.

…

"_**Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference," –Libbie Fudium**_

…

_**Hour 3.5...**_

….

"It says here that you need to take Exit 240," Naruto says, tracing his finger along the narrow line going across the wrinkled map unfolded in his lap.

"My GPS says to wait until Exit 251, then take a loop onto a smaller highway," Sai replies, turning on his blinker and switching into the left lane to pass a slow van.

Naruto growls a little.

They'd been on the road for a little over three hours; it's ten-twenty, and Naruto is already getting tired of being in a car- and they still have over seven hours left of travel time.

"Well, your GPS is wrong!" he insists, holding the map up and shoving in Sai's face making the car almost swerve into the concrete median.

"Damn it, Dickless, are you trying to kill us?" Sai exclaims, steadying the wheel, and slapping the offending paper out of his eyesight, "That map doesn't account for traffic patterns like my GPS does,"

Naruto holds the map up, frowning at the tear Sai hit in it, ripping right through the dot that represents Konoha.

"Fine," he says and turns the radio up and stares out of the window to sulk, "Do whatever your _precious_ GPS says,"

Sai laughs, and Naruto feels the man's fingers at his ear, playing with his hair while driving with one hand. He keeps his face turned away so his companion won't see the happy smile sneaking up his cheeks.

_Precious._

…

_**Hour 5...**_

…

"_...are the dancing queen! Young a..._"

"And sweet! Only seventeen!" Naruto bellows at the top of his lungs, flailing his arms out in a 'behold me' way, "Dancing Queeeen! Feel the beat from the tambouriiiine - come on Sai! Back me up- You can dance! You can jive! Havin' the TIME OF YOUR LIFE!"

Sai's laughs are drowned out by Naruto cranking up the volume, and despite the brutal murder of his eardrums, he takes a deep breath.

"See that girl! Watch that scene; diggin' the dancing queen!"

Naruto stares at him in surprise as the song fades to an end.

"Woah, you sing Abba better than I do,"

…

_**Hour 6...**_

…

"Sai, I have to pee,"

"There isn't an exit for another twenty minutes,"

"...I don't think I can hold it,"

"You're going to have to. Unless you want to try pissing out of the window,"

Naruto rolls his eyes, and shifts in his seat uncomfortably. Okay, he can do twenty minutes. That's not even as long as Deidara's favorite episode of _iCarly_. He looks out the window and tries to ignore the pressure in his blander. He can do this. The Exit will be here in no time.

He bites at his lips, clenches his eyes shut, and resists looking at the clock to see how much time has passed since he last asked Sai about stopping. _Just one look,_ he thinks, and caves.

_Two minutes_.

"_Saaaaaaiiii_," he whines.

The dark haired artist sighs and starts looking for places to turn off. Naruto smiles gratefully as the VW slows down to turn onto a dirt path. His relief fades as a dark windowed building comes into view, only one old, rusty car parked in the rocky lot, its white paint chipping and looking completely abandoned. Sai stops the car and turns to look at the blonde with an innocent smile.

"Good luck in the bathroom,"

"If they have one!" Naruto shouts in horror, "Sai, can't we try somewhere else? I mean, I _really_ have to pee, but I don't have a _death wish_. That car looks like it'll have a rotting carcass in it if I look in the windows,"

"Don't look in the windows,"

Naruto pouts, and looks back at the building that might have been a Dollar General at some point- thirty or forty years ago. He gulps, and unbuckles because while his self-preservation is high, so are his bodily needs.

"Will you come with me?" he begs, still too skittish to pull the handle and open the door.

"The car might get stolen,"

"I might get _killed_!"

Sai's smile doesn't waver; "Go to the tree line over there and pee, then,"

Naruto huffs, his bottom lip jutting out dejectedly. At least this far north there isn't as much snow. It's all mostly melted by the morning sun.

"Fine,"

He has one leg out of the car before looking back; "What about snakes?"

...

_**Hour 8...**_

…

"_...and the Republic of Sound is still gathering Nuclear power- increasing their weapon input by over __forty percent in the last year. There is speculation that it is Iwa Territories selling these weapons to them, but with the Northern lack of updated trade regulation, it is difficult to track. This has been an NPR report from the Office of WOMD Control with President Yagura. Stay tuned for a story on children's care in...,_"

Sai relaxes, staring off into the endless stream of asphalt, for once not thinking about his destination, just content with letting the soothing sounds of _National Public Radio_*1 and Naruto's snores wash over him.

…

_**Hour 8.2...**_

…

"...Arugh?" Naruto slurs, peeking his eyes open and straightening up, "Sai, why are we stopped?"

He can feel his hair sticking up more than usual from the awkward angel he had fallen asleep. He looks out at their surroundings to see the bright sun beating down on an deserted gas station. Its windows are boarded up and a big sign blowing in the wind reads 'OUT OF GASS' in black paint (gas spelled incorrectly and everything), but there is a flashing sign on the doors that says OPEN. Naruto looks at Sai incredulously.

"I have to pee...," is all he says as he turns off the car.

Naruto purses his lips; "I'm not even going to say anything,"

"Lock the doors," Sai replies as he slams his door shut behind him.

"Hypocrite!" he shouts at the man's back as he approaches the station like it might blow up.

…

_**Hour 10.9...**_

…

"I think that was the Exit!" Naruto says as they pass it.

"No, Dickless, that was 250. I said we're going to 251,"

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me- oh! There it is; there it is!"

Sai follows the curve of the lane off of Exit 251 and they travel in silence, anticipating the moment they get off of the highway that will take them to their destination. They watch the landscape change from the green plains to sandy dunes, clouds of dust getting swept up by the incredible wind. Naruto looks at Sai's dash board where it gives their direction and outside temperature.

"It doesn't look like it's 23°*2 out there," he says.

Sai 'Hmm's in what Naruto supposes is agreement.

And there, after a bridge over a steal mill, a huge brown sign:

WELCOME TO SUNA

Suna! The big, the beautiful. And exactly 503 miles away Konoha, almost eleven hours of driving time, not accounting for traffic or Sai's incredible speeding.

Naruto takes a picture of the city laid out before them and sends it to Jiraiya and Ino with a short '_we made it!_'.

They cruise around, making a tour for themselves of the shops and markets and outlets. There is an entire portion of the town dedicated to business towers, sky-scrapers (things that just do not exist in little Konoha), and another to housing units.

"The main sport here is horse racing," Sai informs him, pointing out a huge derby arena, "And there is a huge beach on the farthest point North that attracts most of the tourism. But most of the city's income comes from movie production. They have famous sets built up all over the place here, constructed by successful producers that make their living here,"

"We'll have to go see it once the weather warms up. And I've never gambled on horses. I wonder if they have a good coffee shop near our new place. You know, my friend Gaara lived here before they took him away from his dad. He used to talk about the sunsets here- claims they can't compare to the ones in Konoha, but we'll see about that in a couple of hours. Do you think they have a good area to do spray painting too? I know it's _technically illegal_..."

Naruto chatters on for a long time about Suna and its possibilities, Sai working a word in every once in a while about the places they pass with a smile of fondness on his face that Naruto is totally oblivious to: a large library, a memorial of the wife and co-leader of Suna's current Dictator, a restaurant dedicated solely to cheesecake, an old theatre built by the same company as the one in Konoha.

After an hour and a half of driving around to sight-see, Sai decides it's getting late and he has to pay the movers by the hour, so he takes them back on track to the new shop. Naruto is still filled to the brim with excitement because he hasn't seen any of the pictures or the floor plans (Sai demanded it be a surprise).

They pull up in the front so the blonde can get a good look at it, but they'll have to go back down around the block because their parking garage is behind the building, the other side a neighborhood so it's easier to have a mailbox. Naruto presses his face to the window with a grin. It is in between a fashion boutique and a small park (the only natural green Naruto's seen in the city yet besides a few sparse trees), a two story just like ANBU, the first floor- the shop, and the second level- their private home.

_Home_.

It's ugly- stripped of any character, but Naruto prefers it that way because it just means he and Sai get to create it from scratch. There is no garden or grass in the front to make it inviting, nor any color to the sand worn bricks it's made of (and sand is _everywhere, _but Naruto is convinced he'll get used to it). It's perfect.

Sai pulls into the small parking lot to the right side of their little project building where the moving vans are already waiting, the big hairy men smoking cigars and looking as if it isn't freezing outside.

They step out, stretch their legs, and Naruto and Sai look at each other.

Perhaps out of pure excitement or elation that the drive is finally over, they pull each other into a less than graceful embrace from hips to lips.

It takes another three hours to get everything unloaded and either upstairs or downstairs. Sai directs all of the shop supplies to the walls so it'll be easier to get out later, and Naruto gets the furniture set up with the help of who he mentally dubs as Steroid Man. The walls are blotchy white and gray because whoever moved out hadn't spent enough time painting them over, painfully bare. The floors of the first floor are messy and stained concrete, with spills of unknown substances and spots of gum and skid marks (_What the hell did the previous owners do to the place?_). The windows don't have any racks for curtains, but that's what Naruto finds he likes the most: the huge windows on the second story.

Once the place is overflowing with cardboard boxes and the movers are sent away, late evening has settled into the sky, turning it to a deep purple, and they unload the car and head upstairs.

"I'm glad Suna has as many stars as Konoha," Naruto says absently, looking up at the sky before stepping inside. Sai nods from his place among the maze of boxes, digging through them so that all Naruto can see is a dark crop of hair showing up every once in a while.

They set up just the bed for the night because it's too late to have the energy for anything else, and collapse immediately into the blankets.

"I'm not even tired," Naruto protests as Sai turns off the overhead lights and cuddles up to the blonde, "Seriously, I'm more excited than I've been in, like, _years_,"

Sai snorts; "You'll be feeling differently after a week of nothing but working on this place,"

"But there's so much to do," Naruto argues, turning onto his side so that he can glimpse the outline of Sai's face in the illumination from the moon or streetlights outside (no curtains was going to be a problem with the amount of light coming through), "We're going to have to install bathrooms downstairs, and bleach the floors, and pull up the carpet in here because I prefer hardwood. And order new shelves and order cable and wireless internet and everything I haven't even thought of!" Naruto takes a deep breath, because even for him, that was a lot to say in one go, "Are you sure we'll be done by February?"

"We'll see," Sai murmurs, leaning in so that he's resting in the crook of Naruto's neck. Naruto smiles, because in this new place there are no memories, and only new ones to be made.

"Are you falling asleep?"he whispers unnecessarily.

"If you close your eyes, you'll be tired too," Sai tells him, throwing his arm over Naruto's waist, their thighs touching. Naruto frowns because he doesn't believe him- there's no way he'll get tired anytime soon.

The blonde shifts into a more comfortable position, closing his eyes just to humor Sai.

They don't open again until morning.

…

"_**Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly," –Robert Frost**_

…

"You've got it backwards again, Ido!" Naruto shouts over the noise of walls being hammered into place and wood being sawed and glass breaking somewhere for the thousandth time, "The urinals go on the _right_ side,"

"But I've already got the plumbing built for the right!" the man yells from the soon-to-be-but-not-as-soon-as-Naruto-planned bathroom.

"You'll have to redo it," he tells him, not looking up from the detailed sketch of the floor plan. Once they got the extra wall up to divide the women and men's bathrooms and got the water running through the pipes, the major construction would be done and they could focus on the floors. Naruto looks up to see a wooden beam fall over and crash to the floor as measurements were off again. This first part looks like it'll take a while, Naruto thinks with a sigh.

He is just placing the binder of blueprints and sketches down to start sweeping up some of the debris into a pile when Sai pops in, a bag from the Cheesecake Factory in hand- their lunch- and a stack of papers in the other (probably from the contractor; Naruto isn't that interested). He smiles and gives Naruto a kiss on the cheek (earning them a few looks; Suna is a smidgen less open than Konoha about these things).

"Sit down; I've got good news,"

Naruto follows Sai to a small fold-up table and matching chairs, littered with plans and receipts and other important forms that probably shouldn't be lying out in the open like they were. Sai sits down, barely on the edge of the chair, and Naruto raises his eyebrows at his obvious excitement.

"I told you this city is run by the movie productions, didn't I?" he doesn't wait for Naruto to confirm or deny this, "While I was ordering food, a man came up to me and asked if I was the guy from Konoha with a paint business. He explained that his last reserves for paint had run out, and he needed a new supply,"

Naruto nods; "So we have our first customer?"

"Not just a customer; he's a big _producer_. And he's almost buying out my entire stock which means I'll have the funds to buy more. And he says he's on a time limit so he's agreed to pay for a portion of the construction to speed it along,"

Naruto blinks; "Are you serious?"

"He's coming tomorrow to change the fees to his company's name," Sai says with a nod.

"We've barely been here a week, and you've already landed big!" Naruto says, grinning at Sai.

The dark haired man seems speechless with his amazement, as if he's never experienced such a great thing. He just sits there and stares at Naruto, probably not realizing his mouth is partially open and his eyes are wide. It's the most Naruto has ever seen the man express because the expression doesn't look like something Sai's practiced or forced or knows how to convey. The blonde grins, finding it endearing, captivating. Sai is cute when he's not being a perverted bastard.

Naruto, swept up in feeling feelings he never thought he could feel with anyone- if it wasn't Sasuke, that is- and because it just feels _right_ in this moment (_no guilt, no apologies, no Rules_), he reaches across the table and kisses him.

It's the first time he's ever initiated intimacy with Sai himself, but the taller man doesn't seem to mind. They smile at each other, breathing each other's air until the sound of walls crashing to the floor bring them back to reality. Naruto looks over in time to see the bathroom doors getting installed, gender signs in place.

"God _damn_ it, Ido; the girl's bathroom is on the _left_!"

…

"_**We have to realize that we are as deeply afraid to love and to love as we are to die," –Ronald David Laing **_

…

They spend the next day sweeping up the sheet rock from the walls and painting the back wall first. Naruto styles it like he's seen Kiba do when he isn't trying to make anything, just random brush strokes and swirls and spikes in different colors. Sai will go over them with the black silhouette of whatever he feels like painting, and fade to a soft teal for the side walls to mellow the explosion of Naruto's creative expression.

The plumbers have just left after making sure water runs for all restrooms, sinks, dishwasher, and laundry washer as Naruto finally reaches to the top of the wall on a third of the back when Sai's movie producer wanders in. .

"Is Sai in?" he asks in a deep voice, and Naruto, having been lost in his thoughts, jerls his wrist in surprise, making a deep red squiggly line half a foot long on the wall, "Oh, sorry,"

Naruto glances at the man, then back to the wall, considering. He is dark skinned, a common thing Naruto has noticed among the Suna citizens, with a strict face.

"No, I think I like it...," he says, adding another mark like it right next to it and letting it bleed up to the ceiling to create ice sickle shapes. He tucks the wet brush behind his ear, not really caring that red paint is getting into his hair, and climbs down from the ladder, "I'll go get Sai,"

He steps around the boxes and piles of metal that will eventually become assembled isles and shelves to the register desk to get to the storage room. Naruto pokes his head in and sees Sai setting up inventory.

"Your guy is here,"

Sai looks up; "Oh, good,"

He practically runs out of the room, nearly knocking into Naruto, but the blonde just presses himself up to the wall and sucks in his toes to avoid getting stepped on.

"Ah, there's my man," the producer says, shaking Sai's paint covered hand.

"I'm glad you could make it," Sai nods, and Naruto can tell how eager Sai is by how quickly his words come out, "Baki, this is my partner, Uzumaki Naruto. Naruto, this is the producer I was telling you about yesterday, Baki,"

Naruto smiles and gives a little wave, trying not to think too hard on the word _partner_. Surly, Sai just means it in the sense that Naruto helps run the shop... _Or maybe not_, he considers. And would that even be a bad thing? Didn't Naruto kiss him just yesterday? Don't they share a bed, share their weaknesses? _Partners_...

They jump into business talk almost right away, taking a seat in the same fold-able chair that's been seating in front of the window since they arrived.

Naruto goes back to his ladder and paint, and it about to resume when his phone chimes from his back pocket. He pulls it out, hoping it's Ino (she never replied from his last message), only to nearly drop it. It's Sakura.

'_We need to talk. Can I come over?_'

He shuts the phone right after reading it. _Can I come over_?

That's right; Sakura has no idea Naruto's left. School hasn't even started back yet in Konoha, and wouldn't until the following week.

He takes a deep breath, opens the phone to Sakura's message, and deletes it. Simple as that.

"I'm thinking I'm going to need an on-the-go supply; a more travel-friendly stash that I can take around the city and even out of it," Baki is saying, "And because of the attention I'm showing you, it's bound to bring more big deals your way who will need the same thing,"

"Are you suggesting I invest in a business van?"

"Van_s;_ more than one. Of course, I'll buy the first one,"

"It usually takes about two weeks for a shipment of my supply to come in," Sai says, "And what you're suggesting will probably require triple of what I usually have sent in,"

Sai gets his paint, a rare formula, Sai tells him, dealing with the pigment or something- whatever that means-, from a factory run by a group of women in Oto, and his brushes and stained glass and everything else crafty and artsy from Mist and Wave.

He is folding up the ladder, done with the entire top half of the wall, when his phone rings again.

It is Jiraiya this time: _You didn't tell Sasuke and Sakura you were leaving, kid?_

Naruto wonders on this; did they go to his house? Did Sakura show up thinking they'd be able to talk, only to find Jiraiya all alone with a half-empty apartment? _Did they go to my room?_ And see nothing left but a skeleton of them, a cracked picture of them turned down; _We three... no more_?

Did they make ugly, hurt faces when they realized he disappeared?

_Ta-da!- Vanished like Houdini!_

He replies: _Must have slipped my mind_.

As dinner rolls around, Baki takes his leave, shaking Sai's hand again and waving to Naruto.

"We only have to set up the shelves, and we'll be ready!" Naruto shouts in celebration, flashing Sai a '_We are now open!_' sign he made for the front doors.

Sai gives him a crooked smile, and turns the sign over in Naruto's hands so the '_We're closed_' side is facing up; "You're a few weeks early, sweet cheeks. We still have to finish the floors and do upstairs,"

"_Oooh_," Naruto quirks his eyebrows playfully and winks, "The love nest?"

Sai prowls forward, grabbing Naruto by his sweater's collar and bends down so they're eye level.

"Now you're putting ideas in my head," he purrs against Naruto's jaw in a low voice that makes Naruto shiver a little.

Naruto bites his lip a little, a part of him unsure, but still willing.

"Then I'll have to take responsibility, won't I?" he asks in a hoarse voice.

Sai makes a tight fist in Naruto's hair as they kiss, and he only thinks of a different dark-eyed, pale-skinned boy for a millisecond. He is pulled to the back and lead up the stairs where they stumble through the dark, not pausing to turn on a light, and for the second time, Naruto surrenders himself to a man he thinks he might be able to love, maybe; and wishes by morning he will.

…

"_**A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another," –Paul Bourget **_

…

Sai wakes up in stages; first the realization that he is no longer asleep, then the tingling in his arm because Naruto's weight has cut off the circulation, and finally the battle of will to get his eyelids to lift. It is still dim outside, probably around six o'clock, as is Sai's usual wake-up time. He pulls himself away from Naruto's warmth reluctantly to start on some morning tea, and feels the ache in his muscles that has nothing to do with lifting boxes and everything to do with the naked blonde in his bed.

Sai can't help but feel pleasant about that thought. He doesn't know when, or really care to know, but at some point he grew fond of his blonde friend. And this last week has been the first time Naruto seemed focused on the present instead of somewhere far off where Sai can't reach him (a place that has Sai finding Naruto missing in the night, only to discover him lying out on his back in the snow in nothing but his pajamas, his lips a chattering blue smile).

Hopefully, Naruto won't regret having sex with him and regress back into the depressed, paranoid creature he was when he first appeared.

Sai pulls on a pair of sweats and a pull-over to ward of the early morning chill, and sets to the kitchen. He knows Naruto won't wake up until way later, probably around nine or ten (and maybe later than that considering what happened before Sai finally let the poor kid sleep), and won't start on breakfast until then. Eggs or something equally simple. Something light on Naruto's stomach.

Sai snorts, a bit smug, wondering how sore the blonde will be when he tries to get up.

_His_ blonde, now, he wants to say, _His_ Naruto.

Sure, Naruto probably is still obsessed with his friend Sasuke (Uchiha Sasuke, Sai knows because he knows Itachi- it's a small world), but it isn't_ Sasuke_ that Naruto is living with, giving good morning and good night kisses to, sleeping with, telling stories about his day to. _All of that belongs to me_, Sai tells himself. Give it time; he'll have the Uchiha brat beaten.

Once the tea pot is on the stove, Sai returns to the little alcove of their bedroom- in time to hear Naruto's phone go off. He swiftly heads to their bedside table, hoping to beat the noise so that Naruto isn't disturbed. He flips it open to stop the alert chimes and sees the last name he wants to see on the screen.

_Sasuke, huh?_

And what would he have to say so early in the morning? Sai goes to Naruto's inbox, feeling particularly annoyed and nosy (each bad moods by themselves, and even worse when combined together).

_Six unread messages_.

_Has Sakura talked to you?_

_Where are you?_

_Naruto._

_Why aren't you in school?_

_Answer me, dobe_.

_Naruto_.

Sai frowns and finds the little Erase All button. An alert pops up '_Are you sure you wish to erase..._'

Definitely.

He tosses the phone carelessly into a pile of clothes so Naruto won't think of it or find it until later and think he left it in his pants or something, and climbs back into bed, too agitated to care if dragging Naruto back to his chest will wake him up. Blue eyes crack open before sliding closed again, and Naruto lets out a muffled noise in the back of his throat that makes Sai grit his teeth in antsy desire. Golden arms (Naruto has gotten his natural color back by bathing in the windows of the shop during the day) come around Sai's neck, and the elder man revels in the feeling of the length of their bodies pressed together.

"Have you put the tea on?" Naruto asks from the depths of pillows.

Sai makes a short noise of confirmation.

Naruto lifts his head up to look at Sai properly, and Sai's mouth gets a little dry at the state he's in. Naruto pouts a little.

"I was hoping for a morning pick-me-up," he whines, wiggling suggestively, his fingers combing the dark hairs at the nape of Sai's neck. Sai lets his hand travel along the slope of Naruto's back and ass in order to force them closer together.

_Fuck the tea_.

They don't get out of bed until nine, and only finish in the bathroom a few minutes before ten (nothing exciting happened in the showers, sadly). Sai fixes a few slices of toast for breakfast and is spreading some blackberry jam as Naruto sips from his cup of coffee when someone knocks on the door.

"Do you think it's Baki?" Naruto asks, not making a move for the door, and Sai doesn't blame him because he's only wearing a pair of pants and a t-shirt, not nearly enough to protect him from the blasting winds of Suna.

"I'm not sure," Sai replies, making his way to the door. He opens it, and does not expect to see a girl with pink hair. No really, _pink_.

"Can I help you?" he asks, glancing at her reddened cheeks and nose. How long has she been standing here?

"Um, hi," her voice is light, almost like a breath of fresh air, "I'm Sakura...,"

_Sakura_. A message from Sasuke saying _Has Sakura talked to you?_

This is one of Naruto's BFFs, then. _I take back that breath of fresh air thing_.

"Who?" Sai asks, stepping outside so that he can close the door, not wanting to risk Naruto finding out who it is.

Sakura shakes her head, looking around at the windy, sandy landscape; "I'm looking for someone," she says, "Are you um, Sai?"

He looks at her for a long time, weighing on whether or not lying makes him a bad person. _It's best for Naruto..._

"You've got the wrong place,"

The girl looks lost- poor thing has come all the way from Konoha just to find the worst person she could possibly run into, he thinks dispassionately.

"Oh," she chokes out, doing that thing where she looks around warily again, "S-sorry,"

"Have a nice day," he tells her with a wave and smile as she stumbles back down the stairs.

"Who was it?" Naruto asks when Sai gets back in. The dark haired male is grateful Naruto hasn't moved from his spot at their table- or he might have seen their visitor through the window.

"Oh, no one. Just someone who got lost. I guess we're not the only new comers here,"

_Someone who will stay lost, hopefully._

…

_*1) National Public Radio does exist for those of you who have not heard of it_.

_*2) 23°Fahrenheit _


	8. The silence

**We Three**

_If you cannot stop the sin-_

_Hide it._

_If you are the sin-_

…

It is the next morning when Sakura comes again, and luckily for Sai, Naruto is still asleep in bed.

"Listen, you asshole," her face is redder than before, Sai notes. Probably because she is angry, "I know you're Sai, okay? This is your new ANBU shop or whatever. Don't fuck with me; I'm missing school for this. I need to see Naruto,"

Sai regards her for longer than her patience allows, but he's feeling rather sadistic and just lets her stew in her frustration before replying.

"...You just missed him,"

"_What?_" she hisses.

"He had an early flight. I sent him to Iwa for some business,"

"When will he be back?"

"Oh, in a week I suppose," Sai says, hoping that's long enough for this girl to have to go back home.

She looks like her face might burst into flames.

"And he lives here?"

"He does,"

Sakura frowns; "With you... his boss?"

"Something like that,"

She studies his face a long time, and he gives her his best smile. It seems to piss her off more, which is confusing because Sai always thought smiles were supposed to help a situation, not hurt it. Or make it worse.

"I really need to talk to him," she says with careful calmness.

_Ugly_, he thinks spitefully.

"Maybe you'll catch him next time,"

"I'll be back in a week," she grits out.

"Sure; I'll let him know you stopped by,"

...Not.

He keeps smiling as she walks back down the same rejected path of the previous morning.

…

"_**What I feel for you seems less of earth and more of a cloudless heaven," –Victor Hugo**_

…

"I swear to god, if you tell me Naruto isn't here, I'm going to rip. Your. Head off,"

She's back again before Sai can even finish drying his hair from the morning's shower. Such a charming young lady.

"...he's asleep,"

"Wake him. The _fuck._ Up,"

Sai narrows his eyes at her. Can he really keep doing this? Will she really keep coming back until she gets to talk to Naruto? (Which Sai is really dreading, because something is telling him that whatever she has to say is going to scramble up every thing Naruto has managed to build within himself and grind it to dust).

"Don't you have school?"

"Coming from the guy who convinced Naruto to drop out?"

Sai thinks on that before raising an eyebrow at her; "Coming from the person who pushed him to consider it?"

_Stab_. Bull's eye. _Hope that stings like a bitch_.

"Just let me talk to him," she pleads, voice softer, wet with unshod tears.

With a great internal sigh, he begrudgingly lets her in. He makes himself at home with his tea, and doesn't offer Sakura anything which he notices sours her mood. She sits down at the table.

"Naruto...," she whispers, "He's... _happy_ here?"

"Starting to regret barging in right after he's gotten rid of you?" it's out before Sai can put a filter on his words (the 'Is this acceptable for mixed company?' filter that he forgets about when he doesn't _like_ the mixed company).

"Asshole!" she growls in a very Naruto-like fashion that makes Sai blink in surprise.

"So I've been told."

There is a rustling of sheets and a half groaned version of Sai's name, because usually, Sai would still be in bed at this time on a Saturday morning.

He leaves the table to go to their bedroom (that is actually just their bedroom things separated from the rest of the flat by a pull-out paper screen) so Naruto knows he's here. Sai leans down and kisses the only half-lucid blonde, who responds in a leisurely manner, so carefree and innocent (despite the things Sai has learned Naruto's mouth is also good at).

"Why are you up so early? Is something going on?"

"Nothing important," he says clearly, knowing Sakura will hear and get offended. He doesn't want to tell Naruto she's here, is willing to stall for as much time as possible because he just knows she is going to ruin whatever he and Naruto are beginning to grow.

"Can we go back to bed?"

_Yesyesyes_, Sai thinks.

"My feet are cold,"

Sai smiles a little, leans his forehead against Naruto's and pets his golden hair gently looking for the humming sound that he knows Naruto will make.

"You just want to stick them on me," he accuses.

Naruto places his arms on Sai's shoulders; "Mmhmm,"

Sai hears a pest clear her throat inconspicuously.

"Naruto," he begins carefully, sitting up so he can look Naruto in the face directly, "There's... someone here to see you,"

"Right now?" the blonde asks, looking so confused and helpless and Sai just wants to tell him _Just kidding, we can go back to nuzzling and pillow talking and rubbing._

"She says it's important,"

This doesn't help Naruto any, he knows, but Sai can't even get himself to try convincing Naruto to get up a third time. The blonde slowly pulls the blankets back, shivers as the cool air brushes his nudity. Sai soaks in the sight of him as he pulls a sweatshirt over his head and a pair of pj pants that are Sai's and are two sizes too big. Finally Naruto stands and stretches with a wide-mouthed yawn, scratching his stomach and neck.

They walk around the screen to the kitchen where Naruto stops yawning and rubs his eyes of sleep crust. The first thing he sees, Sai shuts his eyes to.

"S-Sakura,"

He is met with silence.

"What are you doing here, Sakura?"

Naruto's voice sounds dry, and it cuts through the tense silence like a butcher's knife, bloodied and sharp and perhaps purposefully emotionless because he wants to get under her skin, make her squirm.

"You... you left without saying anything. When Jiraiya told me you'd _dropped out of school_ to come to Suna...,"

The blonde forces a sigh, to calm himself because there's really no fight left in him, no reason to defend himself because his defenses are broken when he's in front of this (_this horrible, beautiful, terribly perfect- monster_) girl. His mouth is terse,; it tingles because there is no blood in his lips- as he stiffly falls into one of the kitchen chairs, boneless, soulless. He feels Sai come up behind him offering a silent support that he is totally impenetrable to. He is like trying to cup water in palms of open fingers (_impossible; he is impossible_).

"I think it'd be best if you leave," Naruto says hoarsely, so gentle it's vicious, after a long, violent quiet- staring at his hands as the ends of his fingers tap restlessly on the tabletop. He's seconds away from slipping out of his body, gripping at his hair and muttering to himself like a psycho (_because my Rules have abandoned me as I abandoned them, and I am alone but for the farce of an infatuation with a man that will only be a second face to Sasuke_), and there is no Ino here to whisper him through it and back into his head.

"Naru, I-"

"No- really. You should go now," he tries to persuade her like Ino had done for him _that night_ ("I think it's better that we go now, Naruto. Naruto, we should really go. Naruto, _come on_," _and he really wishes he had listened to her the first time, run out of there like the soles of his feet were on fire instead of frostbitten because if he had he wouldn't have seen their dating happiness turn into engaged happiness_). Naruto hopes he is hurting her and hates himself for it (_but I already hate myself so what's a little more sin?_)

Sakura's meek expression of hesitancy and guilt hardens; she doesn't take kindly to being brushed off, never has. She doesn't speak again until Naruto forces himself to look up at her (and, _wow_, _it's so much more painful than he remembers,_ looking her in the eyes and wishing for her to fuck off, to disappear forever because she was once his _everything _and he wishes she was nothing).

"I broke up with Sasuke,"

_Impossible._

The words are heard, but they are not processed. They trickle into Naruto's ears in Sakura's melodious, laden voice- drip heavily into his spinal cord like an anesthetic; he cannot move. He is drugged with her, paralyzed by her presence and insane confessions that will ruin everything (_have_ ruined everything), but he is not numb because he can feel _every-fucking-thing_ (_amplified to a maximum, the crash just around the corner_). He wants to laugh. To scream. He almost (_almosttheresoclose_) wants to kill. (_I wish I was dead_).

_This is too much_, he thinks (_there is no way his body can hold itself together under this much_).

When Naruto only stares blankly at her, she clears her throat nervously, obviously having expected a reaction (and there is one, but it's all happening inside; he is dissolving in a grotesque mess on the inside).

"I broke off the engagement,"

Naruto pries his lips apart, and they make a smacking noise, as if they were pasted together with wet glue or blood; "_Why_?"

_Why are you telling me this? Why now? What do you hope to gain by coming here and ripping away my strength out from underneath me again? Sasuke isn't here to defend your honor; to split my lip. He isn't here to keep me from hurting you. Why did you come here expecting, wanting, needing something from me that I don't want to be forced to give you?_

_I don't owe you anything_, he thinks viciously, and he knows Sakura understands every bit of it because she's got windows straight to his soul like no other, even Ino- and the walls they're in are crumbling and leaving him bare the more Sakura talks. (_Please shut up. If you love me, you'll shut up_).

"Because Sasuke isn't in love with me," she whispers barely over the sound of the heater running that Narut thinks is broken because he is fucking _freezing_; she doesn't look at the blonde because it's too hard for the both of them, and the green in her eyes is washed out by her pity, "Or maybe somehow- somewhere inside- he is. I don't know. But I know for sure he loves you more,"

Naruto isn't breathing anymore. He can't believe this; doesn't want this. He doesn't want to hear this. It is exactly what will destroy him.

_No more_.

"Sakura, please stop," he asks, voice soft, vulnerable, and his shoulders are shaking and he has to put a hand over his mouth to keep from making a retching sound, "This is...,"

"I can't," she sobs dryly, her face crumbling into obvious pain, and he almost wants to trust her, "Not when you're like- like this."

Sakura reaches across the table to grab his hand, but Naruto lurches back because he sees her fingers (_naked- no ring_) and god, she _reallyisn'tlying_, nearly toppling over if not for Sai steadying him (and he wishes Sai could somehow steady him permanently, make him invincible).

"I... Naruto, I _manipulated_ him. It's so awful- I...," she clenches her teeth, gathers some shallow breath, "When we first started dating, I was worried about how you'd take it with how you feel-"

"I don't know what you're talking about Sakura. Perhaps you should-" he immediately jumps in to deny, to reassure because that is his job, his Destiny with his two best friends; to be their never-ending support and source of consolidation.

"Oh, give me some credit! I'm your _sister_. You didn't need to cover it up so well to protect us, because I knew anyway. _Sasuke_ probably knew _way_ before...before- I mean. He told me you _kissed_. And I never should have stayed with him as long as I did. But you have to understand that I love him too,"

Of course Naruto understands. He understands it so well that he knows to never trespass on it, never _infringe_.

Their Love (_or is it just Her Love, now?_) is sacred.

"And I thought that I finally had him," Sakura takes a deep breath, "But then you started avoiding us. I expect it- it hurt you to see us they way we... were. But I thought that after a while we'd all get used to it and go back to normal because I prioritized my own feelings," _Your feelings are trivial, Naruto_.

Her words are so careful and precise that Naruto thinks she might have practiced all the way to Suna, but she's always been a very articulate person- especially under pressure. It would have helped Naruto out a lot to have had that talent. Naruto takes a shuddering breath and resorts to just communicating to her through facial expression- they're well-versed after all.

_Where are you taking this, Sakura?_

_I'm sorry- I'm going to hurt you more_, she answers with a defeated glance through her light eyelashes, looking sick.

"I saw the way you looked at us. At him," (_when you thought no one was watching_) "And it scared me. I didn't want to believe what all of this would come to. But the more you pulled away... It bothered both of us, of course but... Sasuke became obsessed. He couldn't stop- he'd talk about how you were ours (_his_); just small things every once in a while. Nothing big deal until all he was ever talking about was you in some way. 'He's important to me; most important, Sakura'. You have to understand, Naruto- I couldn't lose him...,"

_I know where this is going, and I really don't want to go, Sakura. I really don't want to._

"What did you do, Sakura?," he feels so stoney, so cold- like _that night_ (_a mixture of the draft coming through the patio doors at the Uchiha house and the cheering and the vomiting and the wishing he was dead, like the long hours that all of those moments happened are pushed into his eye sockets in a single second_).

Sakura looks away guiltily; "I panicked. After our fight on the roof, he went _crazy_. He kept trying to go after you, but I didn't let him, Naruto," she sniffles because she is actually crying now, "I.. asked him about his feelings for you, and of course he was confused and unsure and I guess a little scared. But I didn't even let him answer, because I- I already _knew_. I told him his father wouldn't approve. That he'd be seen as a disgrace. And that I'd be really hurt if he had just been leading me on this whole time only to tell me he was _gay_ for our other best friend who was supposed to be like a _brother_. Then I told him you and Itachi were lovers,"

Silence.

Naruto forgets to blink. That's why his eyes are watery. That's why. (_That's the onlyreasonhonestly_).

"No one has a Mythology project all semester. And I saw you leaving his classroom after lunch. I saw you... being sort of intimate. Flirting. And it didn't matter if you were close-" (_because it served my __purpose just as well_), "Sasuke didn't mention you out loud once after that,"

"But he proposed," he rambles, looking beyond the crying girl's shivering shoulders and tightly strung tendons, "He proposed because he loves you. Because you're meant to be together. Everyone knows that... Everyone knows,"

"I pushed him to it," she wails, trying again to reach for him, but he is too far away (_I've passed your reach now; I've passed your help and your pity_), "He saw you kiss Itachi at the Christmas party... It hadn't even been his plan to ask me... His mother gave him the family ring- just in case, you know? I'm not stupid- Sasuke would never want to get married before college. But seeing you with Itachi just made something in him... Well you know what happened,"

"So you got what you wanted," _So why are you here? Do you think confessing your sins to someone just as filthy will somehow give you peace of mind? That gaining my forgiveness and hoping to go back to something that can't exist anymore will be enough to fix everything? We'll never whole again, Sakura. We'll never have lunch on a rooftop, have bad movie night, tell each other secrets. We're broken. And not even because you lied to Sasuke and stabbed me in the back, but because this is just the way it's meant to be_, "I don't know why you gave up Sasuke when you totally _had_ him. The only thing that's changed is now all three of us are damaged," _And all the time I spent trying to keep you safe and together is for nothing._

_Nothing;_ as always.

Full circle.

"It was what I wanted, Naruto. What I _do_ want. That night was supposed to be one of the happiest in my life. But seeing Sasuke down on one knee almost fucking _crying_ and mouthing your name in between his words kind of fucking ruined it. He couldn't even kiss me after you ran out with Ino. In fact, he hasn't _touched_ me since our fight on the roof,"

_You're lying_.

"I'm telling you the truth, Naruto," she cries, hunched over her own lap. Her tears are smearing her makeup and dotting her jeans in dark circles of regret and mascara.

_Get out._

"Please, Naru," she begs- for something (_anything_), "I never completely had him. Never,"

_Get out_.

"You ha-" she hiccups and coughs wetly, "have to understand,"

"Get _out_!" Naruto shouts finally, rocketing to his feet and throwing the tea cup in front of him (_Sai's tea cup, his favorite, shattered and loud and shrapnel- but the dark haired male doesn't say anything_) at her shoes to get her moving or screaming or bruised.

She doesn't need to be told twice, and she actually stumbles over her own feet just to hurdle herself towards the door. She opens it, letting a blizzard of wind burst into the room, rape their warmth; "He loves you," she whispers gently (_mock-lovingly_) to the spiral of snowflakes finding home on her chapped, winter-peeling lips before disappearing in white, like some holy apparition sent to give Naruto a message from the gods.

"That might have meant something if he'd come here to tell me himself,"

_That might have meant something._

…

"_**Every heart has a pain. Only the way of expressing it is different. Fools hide it in eyes, while the brilliant hide it in their smile," –Unknown**_

…

It is not quiet.

Naruto can hear the washing machine humming on the opposite wall, the sand flying into the window he is sitting at. He can hear the sound of Sai's voice from downstairs, directing Baki's men around as they set up shelves and unpack boxes of merchandise, the noise of cars passing by, bells of bicycles, his foot restlessly tapping on the vinyl floors they plan to tear up in a few days. The sounds of families enjoying the park next door. His own breathing.

It is not quiet, but Naruto wishes it were because the noise is driving him crazy.

He clutches his cold coffee cup a little tighter, for comfort- or maybe in fear because _for some reason, I'm sososcared. _Sakura didn't knock the walls down or break the windows or even disturb the room, but sitting here in the kitchen where the table soaked up her voice, permeated in the air, diffused into the base boards, Naruto feels like his ribcage has been peeled open, buzzards playing a game of tug-a-war with his organ tissues.

He hears the sounds of things being done, of people moving. And he is jealous of them. He should be down there, helping Sai who is building a business, _their_ business ("Partners," Sai said), should be getting out of the house because he can't stand it anymore (_and wasn't this supposed to be my sanctuary- with no Rules or drugs or temptation? Wasn't I supposed to be untouchable, Ino?_). But for some reason, he cannot get out of this kitchen chair away from this window, away from his thoughts. So he just sits; watches. The sand- because Suna is caught in a perpetual sand storm- swirls around the building, chips away at the glass in the windows (_chips away at the skin of Naruto's sanity_). There is no snow in Suna in mid-January; it crystallizes. Only sand and ice- and a little bit of blood on the bad days.

_Get out of your head_.

_Get out_, he'd told her.

He closes his eyes, rests his head in the crook of his arm, leaning on the table. Flashes of pink and fiery green in his peripherals, but it's just the caffeine. It has only been a few days since... since _that_ (_What __are you so scared to say, Naruto? The birds have already eaten everything- they don't care for your bones; try again- four days since Sakura left your brain on fire, your sweetness and syrup-embalmed __tongue charred_).

It took a few tries of prodding with food or talk of adventures through town, but Sai knows better now- to let Naruto sit alone because hovering will just make the ticks worse (because Sai doesn't have the magic words like Ino; no promises of emptiness, no _You're doing so well, Naruto _to make the finger twitches, the hair gripping stop).

His hands are frozen around a coffee cup that has long gone cold, his eyelids knotted by the eyelashes to the window; his entrails tangled on the chair's legs. He cannot _cannot_ move. Sai brings him water and coffee and sometimes a blanket fresh out of the drier, warm and considerate and always feeling so out of reach.

They do not speak most of the time, because whatever it is they might say will begin with a 'What Could Have Been' connotation, and no matter what- will destroy the other, and their existence together.

Things that '_could have been_'.

Things that, now, will never be.

Naruto puts the mug down, fingertips dancing with chills and nerves- giving up. He stands, feels his calves and toes creak in resistance, eyes throbbing. Coffee just gives him a headache.

The kitchen is dim, only lit by the light of the sun coming through the open windows, and completely still. Naruto almost expects something to jump out at him- from the cabinets or the drawers all yelling '_Surprise!_'- but nothing comes. Nothing breaks the deadness.

He smiles a little to himself, picks up the cold coffee to pour out in the sink. _You really are crazy_, he thinks to himself, chuckles. The kitchen tiles are cold on his bare soles, but he doesn't mind. He just watches the caramel brown liquid slide from his cup to the metal drain like a steady funeral ma-

_BANG_

- like a baseball bat slamming against the wall beside him or the sound of a soul when it's stolen from its body (_and Naruto is so scared he almost thinks it was _his_ soul getting snatched away with his breath_).

_Bang bang bang_

The cup slips from Naruto's hand as he jerks violently, clattering loudly around in the sink before coming to a rest on its side, cold coffee getting on the sleeve of his sweater. The blonde stares down at his shaking arms with wide eyes. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up-_ someone is knocking at the door_. No bat, no bombs, no souls; just the door. He grabs a hand towel to try to rid his sleeve of the coffee beans before settles into a stain while mustering up the courage to go the door where the incessant knocking continues. Maybe Sai forgot his key, though Naruto can't remember locking it. Maybe it's one of Baki's employees in need of a bathroom because all the ones downstairs are occupied.

Maybe it's Sakura.

He pauses at that, hand cupping the handle, ready to let in whatever plague might be there waiting at the Welcome mat for admittance. The knocking has stopped, as if whoever was beckoning can sense that Naruto is close.

_No, stupid_, he chastises, _Sakura had to go back to Konoha. She has school, unlike you_.

With a final nod to himself, Naruto pulls the knob and swings open the heavy door, a cloud of freezing wind billowing in on his pajamas as if the fleece were nothing. He gazes at the doorway, almost convinced he's dreaming-

"Dobe,"

-and slams the door shut immediately.

"Naruto!" Sasuke shouts in alarm from behind thick pine.

Naruto locks the door without thinking and stares at it, heart racing through his head and making him dizzy and _oh, god, Sasuke is just as handsome as Naruto remembers, just as terribly beautiful- and he hasn't cut his hair recently so it's doing that majestic wind blown thing and it hurts to see it all up close again_ (_the only place his memory fails him; it is way more painful than he recalls_). He spins around and presses his back against the door where he feels the jarring vibrations of Sasuke pounding away at it again from the other side.

"Naruto- open the door!"

"Go away!" he cries breathlessly, desperately.

The door handle jiggles a little- and he has this irrational fear that Sasuke is impervious to locks; "Let me in!"

"_No_," is his automatic response. _No, absolutely not. You need to leave right now_.

"Naruto," he hears in that familiar voice- impatient, persuasive, and this is usually where Naruto would give in and do whatever the hell he said.

"No one's home!" he shouts, leaning forward because he just can't stand up straight anymore.

"You're being ridiculous,"

"I can't hear you!" Naruto snaps.

A pause. A silence. Naruto doesn't dare breathe.

"Naruto... Open the door,"

He shakes his head bigorously even though his knows that the Uchiha can't see him. He can't stay out there forever. It'll get too cold, he'll get bored, he'll give up, Sai will come up soon.

_He can't stay here forever_.

Neither speak any more after that, and Naruto doesn't know when Sasuke leaves but he isn't there when Sai unlocks the door to find Naruto dozing off in the floor, shivering blue. The blonde can tell Sai has questions- maybe about the footsteps at the door, maybe about why Naruto's taking an afternoon nap on the hard ground, but he knows better (there are _Could Have Beens_ waiting around the corner, after all).

"It's nothing," Naruto says needlessly.

Sai doesn't say anything.

…

"_**There is no guise that can for long conceal love where is exists or simulate it where is does not," –Francois De La Rochefoucauld**_

…

Naruto flinches as a pale hand yanks his fingers away from his mouth. He doesn't look up at Sai because he knows what he will see- concern, accusation.

"You're bleeding,"

Naruto only nods stiffly, because really, it's no surprise. He's been chewing on his nails since he got out of bed.

He allows Sai to lead him to their bathroom, watches those long finders that have never been anything but gentle to him start running water in the sink, waiting for it to get warm. The skin around his cuticles sting a little under the pressure, but Sai is careful in washing his hands free of blood, pit, bacteria. Sin.

"My grandfather, Danzou, used to put my hands in vinegar when I was little to stop me from biting my nails," Sai explains, "It tasted so awful I never did it again, but we don't have any vinegar so soap will have to do,"

Naruto smiles at the light teasing. His lips crack.

"It's nice outside,"

"Yeah?"

He wouldn't know. The second he woke up, Naruto made sure to draw the curtains together, fuse the blinds shut. Hide behind brick and shingle (_because Sasuke is out there, IknowitIknowitIknowit- he's out there like Slender Man, stalking, leaving the carcasses of dreams I once fancied as pets in the front lawn to gather weeds and sunburn, waiting for me to show myself_).

"Would you like to go to the grocery store with me? We need more paper towels and eggs,"

"No-" he blurts out not a second after Sai gets the question out, "No, I'm... I'm not feeling well,"

Sasuke's waiting. At the doorstep or the stairs or behind the shelves in the shop. Sai dries their rubbing hands in a soft hand towel, baby blue ("The color of your eyes when you first wake up," Sai said before picking them off the shelf to buy).

"I can call the cops, Naruto," Sai says softly, "I can have them look around,"

_I can do anything if only you ask_, he's practically screaming despite how his voice is so calm and smooth, a true lovers caress- and it burns.

"I- no, don't do that. I don't want him in trouble," he insists, though the idea of making sure he isn't around isn't bad (_we both know he'll be here again eventually- I don't have to tell Sai out loud or with words that Sasuke was here- he's begun to read my frequent silences so well these days_), "Besides, he isn't doing anything against the law unless he, like- assaults someone, right?"

They stare at each other, and for once Naruto doesn't mind the probing of those black eyes; even welcomes it. Their stares and silent searches drench him in that feeling of _I am cared for; yes, so much, I am cared for_.

"I'll be back soon,"

They share a cold kiss that makes Naruto's toes curl in on themselves because it feels so against nature (to be like this when Sasuke could be watching, when it feels like he _is _watching right around the walls, waiting:_ "I saw it; I saw it! Traitor! You traitor!"_).

He's managed not to run to the windows every ten minutes while Sai is watching, but when he isn't, when he's gone- not there for Naruto to keep himself in check... He feels so foolish crouching by the edge of the front windows to glance out the side of the curtains, but _he can't help it_. Naruto studies the front of the yard and the road carefully. There isn't a sign of anyone, except for the occasional jogger and car. But that doesn't mean Sasuke isn't there (_It just means I can't see him_).

He runs to the door to make sure Sai remembered to lock it on his way out, and he didn't, _ohgodheforgot_, and what if Sasuke had just come walking in? For those few seconds there was nothing between them except for sand and an unlocked front door, and it takes Naruto a minute to catch his sprinting breath just from the thought. His breathing is so loud- and it's then that Naruto realizes he's terrified to leave the safety of this flat, but even more so at the thought of staying here alone (_Sasuke knows this is where he can find you, Naruto. Your safety here is an illusion_).

_I should have gone with Sai_, he thinks, _I don't want to be alone._ And there is no understanding, sympathetic Itachi fifteen minutes away not wanting to be alone either.

…

"_**When I saw you I was afraid to meet you. When I met you I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you I as afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you," –Unknown**_

…

_It's okay. Really, if Sasuke shows up, you can just jump in the car and lock the door._

Naruto takes a deep breath, eyes flitting to the check out the window again. Sai, arms laden with a canvas bag, head out the door. He leaves it open; the massage is clear: _waiting on you, now_.

"Let's go the beach," Sai had said this Saturaday morning as Naruto was just wiping the sleep from his eyes, the cramps from his spine, "It'll be too cold to swim for a few months still, but the fresh air and sun will-" do you some good- "still make it a good time,"

Naruto walks to the door, his dark blue coat buttoned all the way up, a fluffy beige scarf snug around his neck (_not a noose_, he tells himself, thinking of the wind yanking at the ends, _not this time_). Just one step, and he'll be outside. Fresh air.

_Relax_.

Sai waits patiently at the steps. His hand isn't outstretched towards him. He's just gazing up with an open face; accepting. Protective. Naruto steps over the threshold, gritty sand making the grips of his boots a little weak. He smiles nervously on his way down the steps, resits looking around over his shoulder.

Naruto takes Sai's hand and keeps his head down during the walk to the car.

Suna, being on the coast of a very large Territory known as Wind Country, has a very long stretch of beaches at the bottom. The shop is settled closer to the uppermost and inside border, neighboring River Country, so the drive is about three hours. They listen to the radio quietly for the most part, driving endless roads over endless fields of billowing, swirling sand. It makes Naruto feel so unfathomably insignificant looking into the miles of nothing but foggy clouds of granules and towering slopes- up, down, up, down at his sides and on the road. There are the occasional clusters of sharp, severe looking rocky cliffs that jut out violently from the smoothness of the earth. They are the closest things to tress in this part of the country because the ground shifts so much, plants can't take root.

He watches the landscape eagerly, wanting the jittery hyper from the first days of their arrival back. And instead of thinking on what's waiting for him back in Suna, what's happened in the past week, Naruto solely focuses on their destination. It's been a while since he's seen the ocean.

The travel slides by quickly in lapses of consciousness, and when Naruto finally straightens his seat up again, the ground has become even more rippled, disturbed. They are close to the coast. He rolls down his window not caring for the cold but enjoying the saltiness in the sharp air.

"It's so barren,"

"There are too many sand storms for nice beach houses. The buildings in the towns are titanium- they take a lot of time and money to build so the population is pretty scarce,"

They haven't seen any towns, but they've stayed on a main road for the most part.

"We'll park on the shoulder and walk the rest of the way. I don't think my tires could handle this terrain,"

Fifteen minutes later, Sai slows down, pulls to the side, and parks.

They step out of the car and into the quicksand foundation. Sai leads him up a large hill against the wind, not too rough of a climb but one that has him panting by the time the reach the peak. The bright midday sun glares angrily, joyously into their eyes before Naruto remembers how to squint and- there it is.

At the bottom of the hill, the sea awaits- frothy, gray blue, tumultuous and unforgiving. He can taste the water in the air. The wind picks up streams of crests that reach out like longing arms, whipping to the sky and land but never quite reaching, never finding grip on the slippery shells sunbathing on the edge of the tide. Like looking for a long-lost lover or good-luck charm.

Hard brambles and weeds grow along the shore line, weak against the moving dead around them, the boom and spray of tossing waves, the sting of flying shards of glimmering sand.

_We are like those weeds, too_, Naruto thinks, _Vulnerable in a cutting breeze_.

The cold of a constant blowing makes it impossible to stay out for too long, but Naruto gets to spend a while looking along the shore, finding shells and sand dollars and washed up jellyfish.

It is worth the numbness in his chin and fingers.

Back at the car, they turn the heat on max, and just sit, waiting for their joints to thaw.

They huddle over the console for shared body-heat and friction- nuzzling, breathing humid air onto each other, shivering. Naruto is just feeling a tingle in his lips- feeling, period- when Sai cups his chin with both hands, palms warms and slightly sweaty, fingers icy.

"Naruto," he says, sounding so quiet compared to the infinity of the ocean noise, "Naruto, Naruto...,"

The blonde trembles at the desperation in the man's voice, so choked up, he can't say anything when Sai wrestles him into the backseats and out of his jacket, out of his jeans, all the while: "NarutoNarutoNaruto-" a mantra, a plea, though he has no idea what Sai could be asking for in such a terrible voice.

_Why am I allowing this?_

Fingers, familiar now, skim along his navel finding the trail of hair that will lead to a spiral of pleasure, eventually, Naruto knows, but all he can feel is a tight, hard knot in the pit of his stomach and the back of his throat. He doesn't want this, he's guilty, and wishes he did.

"Sai...,"

"Just stop thinking for two seconds," Sai demands in a husk of deep vibrations that curl up along Naruto's hairline, jaw, and it_ scares_ him for a second before he just grits his teeth and relents.

"Relax," the warm body above him whispers hoarsely, _pressing_ way before Naruto's is ready.

And there's no way that Sai is enjoying this- it's too rushed, to raw, but Naruto thinks that he might be scared too. Because when they left Konoha, Sasuke and Sakura were never supposed to be in the equation. It was just going to be Sai plus Naruto. And now, they've lost all of that because Naruto gets paranoid and worried and messed up so easily when the weapon has to do with his two friends (_not friends anymore, just blood- you can't choose blood- and always be drawn back to it_).

His back jerks against the leather seats. He groans in unison with Sai.

_Relax._

…

"_**The nature of men and women- their essential nature- is so vile and despicable that if you were to portray a person as he really is, no one would believe you," –W. Somerset Maugham**_

…

"Good morning," Naruto whispers to the ceiling and Sai's soft breath coming from nearby, spilling over his shoulder.

He _refuses _tostay inside any longer, Naruto restlessly confirms- throwing his laziness and depression over his shoulder and picking up his feet to let loose some _energy_ (to _raise_ some energy is his over wise drained self).

He gets up the next day with a proverbial fire at his heels- thinks that the retreat to the beach must have finally given him that burst of energy he wants. He makes breakfast for himself and Sai (and doesn't burn the eggs because he tries to get everything perfect so that feeling that way will be a little more possible), laughs with him over newspaper comics and construction stories he's missed in the last few days. They sit close because the warmth of Sai's body calm something in him, and Naruto knows it's a bit cruel to play on Sai's affection, but he'll take anything he can get to serve as a distraction (_that familiar tugging at his ankles downdowndown into the black, no drugs to THC to keep him floating above this time around_).

"Today is good weather. We'll have some luck with customers. Baki's been advertising us. I've made enough to rent us a billboard," Sai presents proudly over the kitchen table. Naruto grins, places his hand of Sai's, and squeezes it gently.

And when they get downstairs after getting dressed, Sai is obviously pleased to have him in the shop; there is so much left to do that he needs some extra hands taking care of: finishing up the painting on the back wall, getting all the shelves stocked, helping sort the inventory. Naruto does all he can to keep himself busy, and it's almost like Before, when he was getting better.

_Sometimes, I think I'm getting better._

He frowns as he ties the shop apron around his faded gray sweat shirt, Sai mimicking his motions with his own apron.

_I'm making this much harder than it really is. Just tell Sasuke to piss off if he shows up again._

And what was the Uchiha even doing here, anyway? Did he have some sort of confession on Sakura to make as well? The same confession of the same crimes? Would coming here just make his two friends realize what idiots they are, make up, and be on their merry way holding hands and wedding planners?

_Don't_, he scolds himself.

_Don't go there. Not here_.

He takes a deep breath and looks over at Sai who had taken notice of his gloom. Naruto smiles at him reassuringly, feeling guilty for everything he's put the man through.

They flip the sign over to OPEN and unlock the doors. It's too early to really get any traffic, but they always open and close at the exact times; 8a-5p Mondays through Fridays.

He's feeling green, so Naruto grabs some paint and sets to work on the back wall, picking up where he left off and settling in his usual rhythm while working with a brush. He hums under his breath because it makes him so much more carefree than he really so, like life is simple and he doesn't have a storm in his brain, an ache in his bones. Sai stays at the desk, hooking up the latest security system and picking up Naruto's tune with a cheery whistle every once in a while. It isn't quiet, like when Naruto was sitting upstairs with the violent racket of life- but this noise is gentler. Forgiving. (_Merciful_). Here, like this, he can pretend nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Ino is in rehab with her dad, the shop is a success, and most importantly, Sasuke and Sakura are safely in Konoha picking out their Spring wedding theme (_and really, Naruto should have known that as a Spring passed and dead, Frost says it so plainly: nothing Green or Gold can stay- he should have known even everyone else's Springs would die too, eventually_).

"How did I stay up here for hours?" Naruto whines after fifteen minutes of balancing on the tall ladder, arms raised above his head to get the boarder of the wall and ceiling, "My arms feel like they're turning to pudding,"

Sai snorts, and he's only slightly offended that he isn't more concerned; "You'll be fine. This has to be the first time you've exercised all year,"

"Not true-" he defends himself, "I helped you carry in those boxes when we got here!"

"The small ones that had nothing in them but a stuffed animal and clothes from your sock drawer?"

"Haha," he crows out in mock anger, wishing Sai was closer so that he could flick him with his soaked paint brush.

The door's bell chimes; the first customer of the day, but Naruto knows Sai has it so he just keeps working, humming more quietly. Today will be about peace, Naruto decides. Peace of mind. He strokes smoothly over the wall, enjoying watching the white disappear under something more vibrant. Today will be about painting his own walls- creating beauty on the barriers he's built around himself to make his fears and self-inflicted obstacles less imposing.

He smiles, a secretive, personal smile meant only for his cheeks and the green in front of him.

"Can I help you?"

It's Sai's tone that makes Naruto's paint brush pause midair, just barely brushing the surface of the wall: suppressed anger, agitation. His stomach clenches in preparation-

"I'm just here to look around," that familiar voice says. Naruto doesn't turn to look at him, squeezes his eyes shut, but he can feel those dark eyes on the side of his face; patient, expectant. _Don't look. He isn't there if you don't see him._

"Looking for anything in particular?" Sai prompts, closed off and wary- trying to expose that Sasuke has no real reason to be here other than to corner Naruto like a wild animal, capture him in a metal bear claw, srip him of his skin, and hang him on his bedroom walls to declare a conquest already won.

"I've pretty much found all I need," he replies arrogantly. So confident as he strides up to the ladder- practically begging for a punch to the face (_and Naruto really wouldn't mind, because he still deserves his revenge_), "I saw your room, but it was still hard to believe you were capable of this kind of thing- until now that I get to see it with my own eyes. You're really good,"

Naruto resists the urge to say thank you, feeling heat flare up from his gut to his ears.

"Sasuke," Naruto whispers because the sound of his own voice that soft is embarrassing and he doesn't want Sai to see him when he's being disgusting, now looking into the pot of green paint on the shelf of the ladder to avoid looking anywhere else that might lead him to do things he'll later regret like kissing or punching Sasuke, "You...,"

"Shouldn't be here?" the Uchiha guesses boldly.

"Shouldn't snoop around in other people's rooms," Naruto amends instead, looking away and back to the wall, "It's rude,"

"You shouldn't leave school- town. _Everything_- without warning someone," Sasuke snaps, "It's _rude_,"

Naruto finally looks down at the Uchiha, getting angry and flustered (_and his breath is always taken from him the first time he looks, because Sasuke looks so good in that tailored coat and slim jeans; but he recovers fast because he's lost things of way grater value than wealth to the force of Sasuke before_); "Listen Sasuke. You won't achieve anything in hovering around like this, okay? I didn't tell you and Sakura about my leaving because I didn't want to- and I'm sorry but... Get over it. I have a life _here_, now,"

_Please just forgive me and be on your way.  
><em>

"You shouldn't have left in the first place," Sasuke insists, actually advancing up the first two steps of the ladder and hooking his fingers in a belt loop of his pants, "Stop being so stubborn- staying in a place you don't belong,"

Naruto growls in frustration, placing the brush down and pushing Sasuke away, not caring (much) as he stumbles back to level ground. He looks at Sai- for help maybe, and he readily jumps in, interfering with Sasuke's next move before he makes it.

"If you aren't going to purchase anything, I'm going to have ask you to leave the premises. I don't tolerate the harassment of my employees, " he pauses, considers something for a moment before grabbing Sasuke by the collar and forcibly pulling him to the exit. Sasuke struggles, but Sai is actually larger than him, "Or my lover,"

Naruto swallows thickly as Sasuke's black eyes meet his- calculating, accusing (_the same look he's given him over Neji and Itachi- "He was jealous," Sakura's voice filters in, "Because they knew parts of you he could never,"_) before the Uchiha shrugs Sai's hand off and stalks out into the street.

_Lover_.

_It's a lie_, he wants to call out, _Sai is only trying to intimidate you, Sasuke. Sakura was only trying to keep you. Itachi and Sai aren't the ones I love_.

But Naruto holds his tongue because the sooner Sasuke leaves, the quicker things will get easier. Normal.

Sai walks back to him, face solemn but looking victorious. He cups both of Naruto's cheeks and presses a hard kiss against him, not minding or maybe not noticing Naruto's lack of equal enthusiasm. His throat closes painfully.

_It's a lie_.

…

_**Hell's afloat in lover's tears," –Dorothy Rothschild Parker**_

…

"I've got to go in to Baki's studio for today," is the first thing Sai says when Naruto makes it downstairs, finally ready for the day, "You'll be handling the shop alone today,"

"Okay," Naruto says. He watches Sai stand up after lacing his boots, pulling on his coat. It's pretty late in the day- almost eleven. He'll be having lunch alone, but that isn't a big deal. He'd loafed around getting a shower and getting dressed because Sai had had to get up early to take a business call.

"I should be back sometime around eight. If you need anything, just give me call,"

"Okay," he says again with a watery smile, "If you get bored, call me. I can't imagine Baki is all that interesting after five hours,"

It's his try at humor- anything to lighten the tension between them- and as expected, it doesn't seem to work very well. Sai gives a half-assed smile, takes a choppy step forward. They look at each other, share a moment of indecisiveness before Sai makes up his mind and leaves a hasty, nonreciprocated kiss to Naruto's slack mouth. He opens the shop door with the hand that isn't tickling Naruto's scarred cheeks, cold air swirling around him, snatching him farther outside.

Especially when he waltzes in not an hour after the shop has opened.

Naruto is seriously considering refusing to unlock the store anymore because every time he turns around at the sound of the door's bell, Sasuke is standing there- chatting up strangers and talking to all of the customers about art like he's some sort of expert. He watches the Uchiha charm work its magic on countless poor souls throughout the day. They smile and blush and fumble- and leave the store with bags of supplies simply because Sasuke mentioned the brands or tools in conversation. It might be good business, but it's _cheap_ business, and Naruto's a stickler for an honestly earned pay-check. So he doesn't approve at all.

"Yes, my personal experience is that the type of water paints this store supplies is very high quality- perfect for bamboo paper or soft canvas...," he is saying to an older looking woman- an art professor, Naruto has learned from past business, and very kind. He can't believe Sasuke is taking advantage of the naivety of his valued customers!

"I've just recently started coming to this shop- after searching everywhere for a decent place. I'm very picly when it comes to what I buy; I'm an art student at the university here- yes, Chuunin level soon,"

_What experience? Such bull shit coming out of that deceivingly pretty mouth,_ Naruto thinks to himself sourly, shuffling the stacks of bills neatly into the register while Sasuke parrots about the store and its products, and where did he get so informed about this stuff anyway?

The Uchiha looks back at Naruto knowingly, an imperious smirk in place.

"Sasuke," Naruto hisses in annoyance- in undertones so the people milling about the isles won't overhear, "Stop lying to these honest people- Karma is going to come back and bite you in the ass. If you're not going to buy anything, you can't stay here,"

Sasuke casually walks up to the desk, and lays his wallet on it with that charming smile of his that he learned from Itachi when he as younger.

"How about lunch?"

"Excuse me?" Naruto asks, blinking at him with raised eyebrows.

"I'll buy us something to eat. Let's go out,"

"I'm on duty!" Naruto shouts, because _duh_, he can't go anywhere, "I've got _job_. Not that you'd know anything about that. Go to lunch by yourself,"

Sasuke gives him that _look_; that one that means he's about to spend the next hour arguing until his point is proven or until Naruto gives in (which, from past experience, will be closer to seven minutes), and Naruto isn't sure if he's offending him or not (the subject of him being a privaledged rich kid is usually a touchy one); "Close the shop for an hour. It won't kill you,"

Naruto scowls, but quickly morphs it into a polite smile as the art professor approaches with a basket of brushes and clay figurines. He sets to checking her items out; "I hope you found everything you needed," he says automatically.

"Oh, yes," she agrees pleasantly, looking pointedly to Sasuke, "This nice young man helped me find a few things. You definitely deserves a pay raise,"

Naruto laughs, scratching the back of his neck; "Actually this guy doesn't..."

_Oh, forget it_, he gives up, waving the woman off and granting her a good day.

"Lunch," Sasuke says once she's gone.

"No, Sasuke."

"Just once; what's so frightening about going out to eat?"

Naruto looks at him like he's stupid_. _

_It's you I'm frightened of. Don't you know that?_

"You're getting ridiculous," he says instead, to be safe.

"I'm not the one refusing an offer at free food,"

He doesn't reply.

"Please Naruto,"

He cuts his blue eyes up at black; "Please,"

And the pitiful look on a face that is usually so proud- that sad look in those widened black eyes trying so hard to portray something that will never be spoken aloud-

Pisses Naruto off.

A sudden rolling anger viciously pierces the armor of his mind because how long had Naruto looked at Sasuke and Sasuke with that same look? With those same starving eyes? How long had he just barely hidden the war underneath fluttering eyelashes- there is no way they couldn't have known the whole time ("Give me some credit," Sakura had said- _it's so obvious_). And to have Sasuke here bowing at his feet, messing _everything up_, pestering him for days with those _same_ eyes.

"_No!_" he barks, ripping away from his edge of the counter, and again so soft and serious his voice cracks, "No,"

He doesn't look at the Uchiha as he hears the scraping of feet, the jingle of the bell over the door.

Silence.

_No_.

He runs- because now the pressure of Sasuke's _being_ is no longer there- to the stock room (to cower, to hide away, to have privacy for the ugliness taking residence in his face and blood). He locks the door and loses himself in shelves and boxes.

_Now_, Naruto thinks as he slides to his knees with a hiccuping cry, the image of Sasuke baring his soul in that one look for Naruto to pick through as he pleases, for him to see it all (the days Sasuke spent missing him, being jealous, hating him, hating _himself_- _lov-_),

_Now- all is quiet_.

…

_**A special thanks to these reviewers:**  
><em>

_Akirakun17, Anime-obsessed95, DarkestFlameUchiha, DeanBeans13, Girlishly made, Gummybear1620, Hazel-3017, Itachi's Insanity, Laine Squirrel, Lingering Sorrow, .angel, Lonelylulaby, MademoiselleMarmalade, Om0cha. Patterns-at-dusk, Piggy7869, Rexroy101, Sailor Epyon, SUPERANON, Windseeker2305, Viscomica, _


	9. The start

**I apologize for the late update. **

**Again, some extremely special reviewers:  
><strong>

_Tainted Ink got left off in The silence, so I apologize for that. For some reason the real username isn't being picked up. _

_Akirakun17, Anime-obsessed95, DarkestFlameUchiha, DeanBeans13, Girlishly made, Gummybear1620, Hazel-3017, Itachi's Insanity, Laine Squirrel, Lingering Sorrow, .angel, Lonelylulaby, MademoiselleMarmalade, Om0cha. Patterns-at-dusk, Piggy7869, Rexroy101, Sailor Epyon, SUPERANON, Windseeker2305, Viscomica, and finally, Tainted Ink. Thank you so very much for your support, loyalty, and kindness._

**We Three**

_-so convoluted; where is the end and where is _

_The start._

…

"_Fine. I knew just me being here wouldn't be enough, so I'm prepared to take heavier measures," _Sasuke's voice filters through the layers of Naruto's consciousness as he rolls out of bed to find a decent pair of socks_, "I'll begin to pursue you properly,"_

_Ludicrous_, is what it is. _Absurd_.

Naruto glares- confused, and delirious because it is _much _too early for this kind of thing- at _them_. They are intruders on his kitchen table, and he hates them for making the room seem a little brighter, making the scent of the air a little too much sweeter. He woke up to Sai making his morning tea as usual, but what was different was the table. Or, what was (_is_) on the table in the center, glowing in the morning sunlight like a beacon of good-will and romance.

"There's a card," Sai says dispassionately without turning around from the counter. Naruto doesn't blame the man for being so irritated and distant. Ever since Sasuke showed up, hanging around the shop, following Naruto's every step like a puppy or a very annoying leech, there's been an obvious gap between them- Sai and Naruto.

The blonde goes through mood swings- moments of bliss and happiness because he can't get over that Sasuke is _here_ for him (_Here for me; he's finally looking at just me_), chasing after him; and moments of crippling, spiraling torment because he's spent so much time trying to build something that is outside of the all-consuming force of Uchiha Sasuke only to be thrust back into the magnetic pull again (_no chance of survival_). And he takes it out on Sai, unintentionally; being all flowery and nice, then growing cold and ignoring everything around him.

Naruto reaches for the extravagant bouquet sprawling out on the table in a mass of leaves and petals and vines and the smell of honey to where he can just barely see the corner of a little yellow card. He opens it.

_To: The Sun_

_From: A lowly mortal_

_You have _got_ to be kidding me_, he thinks with an exasperated moan and a flush of blood to his face that makes his throat feel prickly, recognizing the neat cursive handwriting of one aforementioned Uchiha Sasuke. This isn't like Sasuke at all. He isn't romantic, cheesy. He doesn't send flowers and compare someone to the summer like some cheap Shakespeare rip-off. _Pursue me properly_, Naruto snorts.

_Maybe he's like this for me. Maybe he's romantic and flustered and unpracticed for me._

Naruto grabs the overflowing bush on the table, ignoring the protest in his mind and heart, not caring if he yanks the tablecloth with his hastiness, and forces it down the narrow trash bin underneath the sink. Bright yellow sunflower petals scatter at his feet, the only evidence of his violence.

Again, Sai only watches, distant most likely dut to Naruto refusing his sexual advances the night before, and for some reason the flowers fill Naruto with a desire to weep, as if they are the flowers of a tragic funeral (_Our funeral_, he thinks sadly).

"I _could_ have...," Naruto whispers hoarsely, watching the stems of the flowers struggle with being bent so far in such an awkward position, "I could have loved you, Sai,"

"Naruto, you don't have to-" Sai's voice catches.

_Could have_.

"I know I could have," the blonde repeats, hiding his face in his hands because his eyebrows and mouth are crumbling into helpless whimpers, and Sai makes a sudden movement away from the stove like he wants to reach out for him, but stops after just a second and stares down at his shoes- just as lost, hopeless.

Alone.

_Could have._

They look away from each other, to break the thing that's growing between them, the thing that is quickly becoming increasingly more painful- a big, inky-black fog seeping through their hearts like the thin streams of sunlight seeping through the cracks of the closed curtains. Naruto smiles bitterly in spite.

"You got a letter from Ino,"

He hadn't seen it because of the flowers and their demanding presence, but now, he notices the white envelope resting on the small table on top of their first bills and notices. A legal copy of the deed, so they'll both have one (because _"We're doing this together. This shop isn't mine; it's ours," _which seems kind of useless now, kind of deadly). He holds the paper in his hands, feeling its layers and secrets that will soon be his, and thinks to send Ino a text later (_A letter? Why so old-fashioned?_)

Naruto tears open the the soft paper for its insides, fights with the fold for a second before getting it flattened out. A picture falls out, and through the glare of the kitchen lights, it takes a second for Naruto to see who is in it, and an even longer time to recognize them.

"Ino... and Sakura?"

His fingers find the edge of the picture and pick it up- and, yes, it's Ino and Sakura, in some sort of hospital room; the rehabilitation center, Naruto thinks. Ino is sitting up in a bed, an IV drip hooked to her arm. She is staring dead at the camera, and she is not smiling, but her eyes are so profound, so strong (_power, in its rawest, at its best_) that they are almost like coals, burning blue and reminding Naruto of a place where strangers drank after each other and were too high to remember each other's names the next day. Her hair is gone- razor-ed right off to hug her head- a debauched pixie. She has gained weight. Maybe nothing more than four pounds, but her eyes are not so far into her face, her skin is not so mush as a reflection of the lights and life around her- but now has its own inner glow of spirit.

Naruto smiles, and rubs his thumb over the corner of the page, almost feeling Ino's soft, sharp shoulders, but it fades when his gaze travels to the girl on the other side of the white frame of the Polaroid. Sakura is facing to the side, her arms crossed over her chest and a deep scowl marring her red face- embarrassed or angry maybe. What had Ino teased her about to make her so upset, Naruto wonders. Her long pink hair is gone as well, sheared off to her jaw in something he knows she'd call '_Mature chic, Naruto. Get with the times!_'.

_Guess who came to visit me_ is her first line, in a barely legible script. He skips down a few lines, to the parts she talks about Deidara and Gaara, but never herself, because that's dangerous (Naruto knows this well- _I think therefore, I am; I don't, therefore I am not_); _They don't let me drink in rehab. Gaara and Deidara laced some of the cookies they made for me with something strong. Sakura ate them and was so tripped out! The nurses were too happy to see me eating that they didn't even notice us getting high. _

She goes on to talk about Pein throwing am unofficial going-away party for Naruto (it didn't become a going away party until Ino told Pein he was gone half-way into the night's playlist), and how Sakura keeps coming around.

_I think a part of her wants to be my friends again, maybe. But mostly, I think she's jealous that I got so close to you. She keeps asking me about what we did together, you know?_

"She'll never learn," Naruto mutters to himself as Sai shuffles around to pour himself some coffee. The blonde glances back to the picture, eying Sakura's figure shrewdly.

The letter is signed by both Deidara and Ino, _with love, Babe_.

_PS- If any gifts come your way, Sakura says to stop being stubborn and accept them. I'm telling you to fuck everything else. Do what'll make you happy. _

"What did she say?" Sai asks, pulling on his sweater to go down stairs, their day ready to begin.

Fuck everything. Do what will make you happy.

_What will make me happy._

"Nothing,"

He looks up at the flowers with a touch of desperation. What to do with them? But touching their softness- all seedy purple, red, white stems and petals and no black briars- is too scary. (_If the flowers and I don't think, neither of us will exist_). He stares at them as Sai walks out, leaving the door open behind him, finds himself lifting his cell phone up. He takes a picture of the bouquet and sends it to Ino, remembering how her mom used to own the flower shop.

_What do these mean?_

"Naruto!"

He jerks away from the phone's screen and tucks it into his pocket, wondering what Sai could possibly be shouting about. Naruto slips on his shoes and dashes out the door, barely closing it behind him; "Coming! What is -?"

His words die on his lips as he looks around the shop. Nothing on the inside was touched, but the windows...

Sai is facing away from him, hand touching the windows as if he'd never known they were there before, and Naruto slowly approaches him, to touch the cold surface as well. They are painted over, in rich shades of red and orange, no pattern actually discernible, but still holding a level of violent artistic ability. Once close enough, Naruto can see there have been words etched out of the paint, written backwards so that people on the inside can read what's there, where he can glimpse life outside within the individual letters.

_I think if you had loved me when I wanted;  
>If I'd looked up one day, and seen your eyes,<br>And found my wild sick blasphemous prayer granted,_

Naruto feels his face flush, too embarrassed to read on. He can recognize Sasuke's handwriting anywhere, in any form.

_I think if you had loved me when I wanted;_

He clenches his eyes and spins away from the darkened windows, and feels a rising panic in his toenails, like a bruise or a busted blood vessel. Like when he's in the shower, and the hot water runs out but he still hasn't even rinsed his hair- that feeling of shock laced with an urgency to _get the hell out of there_ because an insidious cold is dripping into his hair-roots and freezing the jelly in his brain, and he don't know if he's telling himself or the water, but it tumbles over his soap soaked tongue-

_get out get out get out_

but he still needs to rinse the paint and exfoliate out the stanzas, and Ino says you should always condition for at least two minutes (exactly 362 seconds because "Those extra two seconds gather interest and will turn your hair into cocoanut flavored gold") and he hears Sai kick something- hard- as he runs to the men's restroom, the nearest sanctuary.

_I think if you had loved me when I wanted;  
>If I'd looked up one day, and seen your eyes,<br>And found my wild sick blasphemous prayer granted,  
>And your brown face, that's full of pity and wise,<br>Flushed suddenly; the white godhead in new fear  
>Intolerably so struggling, and so shamed;<br>Most holy and far, if you'd come all too near,  
>If earth had seen Earth's lordliest wild limbs tamed,<br>Shaken, and trapped, and shivering, for MY touch -_

It's _Success_. By Rupert Briant or Robert Byron or Brooke or some other dreadful surename, he can't remember. But he remembers reading this from one of Itachi's books, and it's so sick for Sasuke to choose a poem he knows Naruto will relate to his brother.

"I need a cleaning service to come by today as soon as possible," Sai's voice follows him, into the phone the massage is intended for, but Naruto gets it anyway. But the cleaners won't do it right, he realizes. They'll rinse out the conditioner too soon, and our windows will only be brittle glass instead of bullet-proof, Brooke-proof plexi-gold.

"_Myself should I have slain? or that foul you?_" he mouths to himself, knowing the lines within himself as if they were his first language (_Poetry: my second language. Lying will always be my first_), "_But this the strange gods, who had given so much, To have seen and known you, this they might not do. One last shame's spared me, one black word's unspoken-_ " _  
><em>

He can imagine the the paint on the windows dripping bright blood down onto the concrete below, and into the gardens, the shrubs there soaking in the the color like some macabre rain, staining his Statice sprouts' petals-

_And here I thought I was the stain, but it turns out, it's Sasuke._

_It's always Sasuke._

Staining Sakura's good sense, spoiling her kindness with selfishness that her fairy tales spell out as _love_, making her green eyes shine with a blackness that just shouldn't _be_. Or turning the white in Naruto's smiling molars gray, the tan in his skin cracked mud- eroded and earth worms. All Id; no Ego.

"_And I'm alone; and you have not awoken,_"

Naruto knows he can't stay locked up in a public bathroom forever. He doesn't have any of his insides to flush out anymore, after all. _It's always..._

"The cleaners can't make it today," Sai's voice is flat when Naruto emerges from the bathroom, eyes dry, hands clean, "So once it warms up a little, I'll hook up the water hose and try to wash it all down myself,"

Naruto bites his lip, because a part of him doesn't want to see the words go, maybe; "Maybe... we should leave it up. It's artistic. The customers might like it. And all that paint running over the flower bed will pollute the soil. The seeds I planted haven't even grown in yet,"

Even from this distance, Naruto can see Sai's teeth gritting together. His stomach solidifies into a storm of ice and man-eating monsters that make playgrounds out of Hell.

"It blocks out the sun,"

"Not entirely," Naruto rushes out, knowing he's reaching the end of his rope and Sai's patience, "The letters make these little streams of sunlight through the paint; it's be-"

Sai whips around, suddenly so much closer, and his hand clamps down over Naruto's mouth, his eyes tight against the world.

"Don't. Don't you dare say it's beautiful,"

And Naruto jerks away because doesn't usually get so physical when he's angry, hides his hands in his pockets even though they are clean- he can still feel the cool glass on his hands, can imagine the paint on the other side smeared across his fingers; all proof of an unspoken betrayal that he's not even sure completely exists. (_What was betrayed other than Naruto's own self?_).

"It's our store, isn't it?" Naruto asks quietly, looking at his thin shoes, "I should be able to choose which decorations go up too,"

"It's _our_ store," Sai repeats, "Not Uchiha's,"

It stings because it's true. Naruto's mouth twitches, trembles, because he doesn't know what else he can say; all he knows is that to see the crimson paint ooze down the windows like a blood sacrifice, a tribute for Naruto and Sasuke's bond- would surly make him sick.

"He's just mocking me," Naruto whispers. He almost believes it, too, because all of this is so out of character for Sasuke. Romance, and all of that: the flowers, the poem, the asking for lunch dates. It's just unrealistic. _Impossible_.

"You know he's not," Sai says and draws in close again, this time to cover Naruto's mouth not with his hand but his lips, and he can feel the taller man's tremors (_He's scared. He's scared and desperate; begging for something he knows he wont receive but begging, still_), "You still can," he says quietly against the blonde's lips, "Love me,"

Naruto breaths heavily against the quietly murmuring mouth, but he has no words, no lies handy to sprout out on

command- he's spent them all and abandoned them back on the roof of Konoha's only high school and in the faces of people wishes he'd rather forget. "Love me," Sai repeats in a hushed plea.

Naruto ignores the twinge of regret as he stays on the subject (_I should say yes; give him the false hope and deal with putting him down later_), and the dull ache in his chest in favor of sighing into a mouth of sorrow.

"I can't," he says, "You're not being fair,"

_I can't love you, Sai. At least, not when Sasuke is here, shadowing any-every-thing else I'm feeling, making everything that isn't him miniscule, irrelevant_.

"I just can't," _ignore him_.

"_You're_ the one not being fair!" Sai snaps, his hands digging into the sides of Naruto's face, "You can't even _touch_ me without- You're completely consumed, and you don't even realize it, Naruto!" _Or maybe you do realize it, and you're just that much more cruel. _

"I'm not," he denies hopelessly, sagging into Sai's grip, shuddering with the sobs he can feel crawling up from his diaphragm, "I'm not,"

"Please," Sai murmurs against Naruto's forehead, and the blonde is alarmed to hear such stark begging, "Please don't go with him. Don't leave with him,"

"I won't,"

_It's a lie_, something inside whispers onto the chill bumps on his collar (_We're not lovers, Sasuke; it's a lie_). They breathe each other in until they feel spots of sun boring into their cotton clothed sternums, and remember that they have a life outside of their remorse, their doomed time together. Naruto heads over to the doors to unlock and flip over the 'OPEN' side to face the streets. Sai goes over to the front desk and opens the register to begin keeping log of the money spent for the week- simple tasks that they can each can accomplish in autopilot. Easy enough to not think. Busy enough to keep them from doing so.

Naruto doesn't see them until he opens the door, and like first thing this morning, smells them first. The entire threshold and sidewalk leading from the street is covered in fresh purple blooms that aren't even _native_ to Suna, let alone in season. He recognizes them as some of the same flowers in the bouquet, the petals like soft teeth with cavities at the roots. There is no note he can see among the sea of floral carcasses, but he doesn't need one. He doesn't need Sasuke's heavy, deliberate handwriting to understand. The message is clear. Naruto forces himself to turn around and firmly shut the door. He looks up at the white ceiling with a disparaging groan.

_One last shame's spared me, one black word's unspoken-_

_And I'm alone; and you have not awoken._

…

"_**If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I," –Michael de Montaingne**_

…

They leave the mass of flowers to baptize the sidewalk, frosted and scattered by the wind, and trod on by civilians, and Naruto avoids the front doors altogether. It's all easy to ignore- the flowers, the windows- so long as Naruto doesn't turn his head too far to the left. It's almost like the sun isn't pouring into the windows because it's a cloudy day and it forgot to turn its fog lights on. But when things are still and the shop is empty, he finds his eyes roving over the lines of _Success_ like some important message other than whatever Sasuke is trying to say is hidden within them. For once, he isn't feeling claustrophobic of panicked reading the words. His fingers aren't pulling at the loose ends of his body in nervous spells. He can breathe as easily as he can see, and easier. Like he isn't so much as a disease anymore, but an actual angel (_We're actual angels now, Ino- you won't believe it_).

"The air-dry clay is on the third isle," Naruto shoots off to a lost woman, "On the right. You'll see the plaster house models first," and so strange to be working, living, being normal, when there's an apocalypse in his chest because his whole world all carefully constructed around Sasuke never knowing about him (_your feelings; don't be shy- he already knows_) has been totally obliterated. His personal constitution has been erased; the flag in his heart has been burned or stolen (or never existed, because Naruto never was loyal to that part of himself; no patriotism).

Naruto is straightening the calendars when he gets a text from Ino:

_the little white ones are Germaniums and the purple ones in the middle are Columbines. they mean-_

Naruto's breath catches.

_Resolved to win_.

He stutters out a choked laugh, thankful he's facing into a corner so no one will see him making a spectacle of himself.

"Resolved to win?" he murmurs to the windows, like Sasuke will hear it and answer back, like passing a secret between two cups tied together with a string that's glued with childhood and friendship and things not yet complicated.

And just like that, he's there- had always been there (It's always Sasuke)- darting through the doors, scanning the shop with narrowed eyes until they hone in on Naruto's hunched figure by the calendars, clutching his phone liked he clutch Ino's hand, but the screen has gone black and the words she gives that are hidden underneath aren't comforting at all. Those eyes... (_Resolved_). Sasuke smirks at him, _right though him_, to the vulnerable places in between his vertebrae- swelling (_pushingpullingyankingraping_) until his legs tingle and his mouth opens for no other reason but to dry out.

Sai won't notice, Naruto realizes, he's in the stock room sulking or drawing furiously because of their fighting and not speaking and not having sex. Sasuke seems to notice this because he approaches with the patience of a snake that knows it's about to get something good, something succulent. The blonde's backed himself into the corner he put himself in, and can do nothing when Sasuke hovers over him.

"We're going to lunch today,"

Naruto blinks; "It's four in the afternoon. I've already had lunch,"

"Then, an early dinner,"

And he picks Naruto right off the ground the blonde scrubbed clean himself and helped lay the tiles down, slings him over his shoulder (a tornado of dizziness blowing out the circuits in Naruto's brain; _We're not in Kansas no more_), and looks at any startled or grinning customers with a flash of his wrist and a haughty playfulness.

"Shh," he stage whispers, heading to the door and not bothering to be careful with his cargo, "We're playing a game,"

Those crushed, violet flowers stare at them as Naruto is dragged away.

_I'm not fighting as hard as I should_.

The diner they get to isn't busy at all, only Naruto and Sasuke and the guy standing behind to counter, smacking his gum and waiting impatiently for them to order. Sasuke orders Naruto's usual ("Medium Coke and an order of cheese fries. Extra cheese on the side,") in an obvious way- staring right at Naruto and over-enunciating just to spite him. Just to prove- _I know you so well_. It kind of slaps Naruto out of his haze, gets him thinking again.

"And just a medium water for me,"

"I can't be here right now," he says as Sasuke herds him to a booth- on the inside so he can't get away, and he's forgotten how Sasuke expresses himself physically more often then any other way (because he's what Sakura calls charmingly stoic, and what Naruto calls emotionally retarded).

"Of course you can. You're here, aren't you?"

_Don't act so smug_.

They stumble for conversation; _You look healthier_, he says and it makes Naruto laugh bitterly, ironically. They talk about ANBU Ink for a little while, but the reason Naruto went there in the first place stirs up bad memories and anything realted to Sai puts Sasuke in Sour mood, so they do a lot of back-tracking and veering in order to stay pleasant for at least the first few minutes.

The weather, Sasuke's mother, Jiraiya.

Safe. Boring. Of course it doesn't last for very long.

"Aren't you missing too much school?" Naruto asks, shifting uncomfortably around in the sea of cracked fabric and chipped table wax, wriggling for elbow room, escape room. He doesn't want an explanation for why he was basically kidnapped, because he's scared of Sasuke's reasons. Whatever they are, they can't be any good. _I don't want to know._ Like when Sakura was saying all of those nasty-horrible-tortuous things. _I really don't want to._ _Don't tell me_.

"I went ahead in the work for all of my classes for the days I'd be gone. The school will let me make up any tests when we get back,"

Of course.

But then, a part of those words catches Naruto around the neck, a horrible, guttural regurgitation of what he'd said; "_We?_"

Sasuke rests his head on an open palm, craning his neck to look down at him.

"What? You don't honestly think you're going to stay here, do you?"

"I kind of thought so, actually," he snaps back, "It's not like I'm running a shop or anything. Don't be stupid,"

"That's my line," the Uchiha growls, his lips turning as white as the knckles flexing against his jaw, "What were you thinking dropping out? I've gone through all the convincing for Konoha High to let you back in and make up the time you've missed. Do you really think you'll create a life for yourself this way?"

Naruto feels the anger bubble up to his hand as he slams it on the table, bursting in stings and red, and spraying into his eyes; "In case you haven't noticed," his voice is quiet because his slap to the slick surface of the table has caught the cashier's attention and he doesn't want an eavesdropper, "_I've already built a life_,"

They're both quiet. Sasuke has to accept this. _I am independent of you now_.

A waitress comes out from the kitchens, her legs tightly wrapped in striped leggings, and her waist hugged in a pink apron. She delivers their food and walks off without saying anything more than the pops of her bubblegum.

"You didn't need to," Sasuke whispers, finally looking away and a weight lift from Naruto's windpipe, "You had one with us,"

"...," Naruto shakes his head, "I wasn't living,"

"You were doing it to yourself!"

"I was doing it for_ you_!" he shoots back, so _angry_,so_ ouchthathurts_. And Sasuke is speechless because Naruto's actually baring a part of himself he's never seen (neither of them have ever seen, because whenever Naruto let that part out, he was too drunk or high or at Pein's parties to remember him the next morning).

Naruto sighs; "I need to get back. Sai is going to kill me for closing the shop unscheduled," he says, grasping at air for a topic that will drain the tension, eating his words about being straightforward and doing all he can to avoid whatever it is Sasuke needs to say or do (_and still, why is he here?_).

"No way. You're mine-" Naruto's heart leaps to his forehead and he knows there's a print of it there for Sasuke to read as clearly and as loudly as he wishes, "-for the entire day. That guy can deal without you,"

He considers resisting. Fighting. Screaming. He's only a ten minute run from Sai, he has his phone. It'd be so easy to get away. And it's just so wrong for him to be sitting here (_together_) when for so long, the very idea- talking about the future, their minds' hearts, desires, through a steam of forevers and lip locks; surly he deserves some sort of punishment now. He feels the danger of their position, this small diner table placed on the edge of a bottomless chasm, a godless wind groping their ankles in plans to drag them sideways; he can taste the warning in the sweet scent of the bowl in front of him, or like the clouds have written white hieroglyphics of prophecies (condemnation) just for them-

There's a sweat in Naruto's soul, like lying on the brink of wakefulness, but still deaming, knowing that the moment you have to open your nose and ears to what you know as reality is encroaching- a hunter stalking it's prey (_you're the prey_). But the look on Sasuke's face right now, that _smile _hiding behind lip twitches, trying so hard to keep it in because Fugaku always taught Sasuke to to control his facial expression- this can't possibly be sin (_impossible_). And the only one in Naruto's way is himself because Sasuke is right_ here_.

So they eat slowly, stringy webs of cheese and soggy fried bread- a heart attack, if Naruto were asking for one, but he's pretty sure he's way beyond living maladies at this point.

"And...," Naruto takes a breath and forces it out because he hasn't completely lost the ability to persevere even though it is fast slipping, "And Sakura?"

Sasuke considers his words carefully; Naruto can see them clunking around behind the slow blinks and purposeful relaxation of heavy brows. He could have waited until after lunch to ask something so heavy, but Naruto is a straightforward person generally speaking. No need to hold off on something that needs to be addressed when Sasuke is going to force it all out eventually anyway.

"I didn't know she was going to come here, actually...," he begins, a slim finger circling around the rim of his cup thoughtfully, "She didn't tell me- we haven't spoken since we- she- broke off the engagement. I'm not surprised that she'd come find you though. We all tend to think alike,"

Naruto ignores that last bit because he abhors the thought of being connected to them still in any way.

"So it was her that ended it?" he ventures, feeling like he's laying something precious down in order to have this conversation, something he's been holding to himself for so long- it feels _wrong_ to give it all up so easily. To open up about the one thing he's been so sealed tight to.

"Yeah, though there wasn't really much there for her to _end._ I neglected her because I couldn't stop...," Sasuke looks dead at him, and the blonde wishes Sasuke was on the other side of the table and that the table were wider so that their faces wouldn't be so close, "Thinking about you,"

Heat- raging, hormonal- rushes like an avalanche to Naruto's nose and neck making it hard to breathe. He doesn't know what to say to _that_. _This isn't like you to be so reckless_. And whether it's Sasuke or Naruto that's being reckless, he doesn't know, but he feels like they're both on the brink of execution. And Naruto's silence seems to remind Sasuke of where he is and who he's with.

They're both embarrassed.

"Let's not do this, Sasuke," Naruto whispers, watching the lemon in Sasuke's water float around, "It was a mistake for you to come here anyway. You're not going to get anything in coming here, really-"

Because Naruto is like one of those small rivers that always flows back to the ocean- only something got in the way of the flow a few years back; cut the circulation off. So now, the river is just an accumulation of muddy run-off and pollution with no way of cleansing itself. Stagnant. And sitting in the heat of a thousand dry, scorching days that evaporates a little more of the pool's water each evening until nothing but cracked clay is left.

A dead end.

"I'm a dead end, Sasuke,"

"The food here isn't anything like in Konoha," Sasuke says, laying a ten down and some dimes, "It's kind of tasteless. Let's go,"

Sasuke doesn't comment on Naruto's declaration. _He thinks I'm worth proving wrong. He doesn't think I'm a dead end._

_Stupid._

Sasuke leads Naruto out by the hand, his fingers tucked in between each of his own, meshed and tight, and feeling not-quite like home, too unfamiliar like when you dream about someplace in the past and memory has warped some of the details- but something close.

It's evening now, cold, miserable. The sky is on the brink of bursting its blood vessels open to spill out its vibrant essence all over Suna. They walk down calm streets towards the center of the city, and Naruto can see the horse racing stadiums come into sight after a while. Their ivory walls and blistering bleachers stand out like Ino's hip bones into the sky, brightened by the orange sun, a source of light on their own.

"There's a race today," Sasuke says, his fingers tapping in random patterns over the tips of Naruto's metacarpals, "Dad bets on them- secretly. Mom wouldn't approve if she knew,"

"I didn't know he gambled. Is he here?"

Sasuke shakes his head; "No, he accesses from online and sometimes has a representative show up in his place,"

They make their way past the traffic around the racing venues until they walk off of the main road and onto an unpaved road. Naruto is feeling a little worried- is Sasuke going to make him walk until they reach Konoha? (Even though they're going in the opposite direction). Is he staying at a hotel out here? The flat plains bleed into rolling hills, deep troughs and spiked crests. His boots sink into the soft ground, a foundation of ever-moving particles. The wind is wild and blows sand in their eyelashes, but Sasuke pulls out a scarf and wraps it around their faces. They're setuck shoulder to shoulder, huddled together until Sasuke hikes them up a huge hill and finally stops.

"I thought you'd want to watch it," Sasuke says over the howling currents making his hair fly, "I couldn't get tickets because they were sold out-"

Finally Naruto understands, turning around to see a perfect view- looking straight down into the stadium. It's too far away to see the details, but being this high up, this small; it's consuming. He turns away, finding it hard to swallow, feeling the soft scarf tugging gently on his neck, and then it's Sasuke's hand that are there, and they're pulling ever-so _painfully_ until their noses are mating in the open air, until their profiles are _profile_. They don't shut their eyes, eyelashes catching in the wind, in the kiss.

Through the tears in his eyes, Naruto sees beyond black eyebrows and bangs to the searing red sky, and yes Gaara was right- sunsets in Konoha don't have anything on Suna. But this one is so terrible-

"Stop contradicting yourself," Sasuke commands, and Naruto can feel the stubble on Sasuke's chin even though he couldn't see it before.

He pulls away.

"Am I wrong?" Sasuke asks, and Naruto is about to ask what he's talking about- the horse race, the sunset- "I was confident that you- that I'd be successful if I came after you. I'd been thinking about it for a long time. And I never doubted... But then Sakura told me that you and Itachi were- _That_..."

"We were never lovers, Sasuke," Naruto says, and even if it's only half-truth, he feels like he has to explain, defend himself.

"So... you never did anything...?" Sasuke, so proper and sensitive.

Naruto looks away.

"...I see," he doesn't have to look at him to know he's tense, "And Neji?"

Naruto's fists clench; "Never," he grits out.

"...Sai?"

"Sasuke...,"

"I'm jealous of them, Naruto. You can't ask me not to be,"

And Naruto really has no right to say otherwise, considering he was the most envious out of them all.

"I haven't said anything about you and Sakura affirming your _love_," it comes out more vicious than he intended, but hearing Sasuke repeating his own feelings back at him is difficult.

"Sakura and I never had sex, Naruto,"

Naruto lets in a silent gasp, his eyes snapping up to Sasuke's face. He's dead serious, a little irritated, and definitely not lying. But, how could that be true? They dated for months. They were _engaged_. _In Love._ And now, Naruto feels even worse, because his own body is so filthy with the fluids of others-sometimes-strangers, the marks of people he could only ever bring himself to _almosttheresoclose_ love, and still running out the remains of mystery potions and pills through ticks and midnight cravings that are never fulfilled.

"We tried...," Sasuke closes his eyes, leans his forehead against Naruto's, "I couldn't," 

And Naruto knows this is going to be the beginning of a long, horrible confession because Sasuke is just awful with words, but he can't help feeling electricity in his fingers as his glides them over Sasuke's cheeks. He's _right here_.

"Can't it just be like it was before?" Naruto asks, one last time because he's still fucking scared, and he doesn't want to risk anything more because if this blows up in his face, he doesn't want to be left unable to stand- even though he already knows he can't go back to being Sasuke and Sakura's friend, has already murdered We Three and helped bury the bodies, throw out the guts-stained rugs.

"With you constantly running off? Not a chance,"

"You're being dramatic," Naruto says, as their mouths graze.

"Naruto,"

He hmms, hands traveling to the nape of his neck where black, soft hair whips aound.

"You need to understand something," Sasuke demands into a golden hairline, "I came here to get you. There isn't any other option. You can't stay here- you're going to be with me. We'll go back to school together. Get an apartment... no where _near_ Itachi's. We'll go to college- do everything we planned to do_ before_. But it'll be different, because this time, I'm not going to let you sneak away. It _can't_ be like how it was before,"

It's so selfish- a level of it completely out of Naruto's comprehension, and it washes over him like water colder than the sand on his face.

"You can't decide all of that, Sasuke," he insists, because he's still got his _dignity_ sort of, his twisted sense of pride in how good he was at destroying himself.

"Naruto,"

He isn't listening, trying to remember how all of this got so out of control.

"I love you,"

The air freezes in Naruto's mouth. He has half a mind to step away, but Sasuke's eyes and hands and height keep him from manifesting the thought.

_I love you_.

"No way," Naruto laughs, a reflex, though his eyes are already flooding.

"You have to choose- right here. It's _this_," he gestures to the sandy wasteland surrounding them, then grasps Naruto's shoulders tightly, "And your art shop and artist boyfriend- aor me, and I'll finally be able to-"

kiss you again, make _love_, Naruto, watch you live, reminisce with phrases like_ Do you remember that one time we_, when _We, _reach for you whenever I need, want, _dream _to-

"-Take you home,"

Naruto can't see Sasuke's face anymore because he's crying like a girl, and he feels cold hands fumble with not knowing how to comfort, and it makes him sob harder that Sasuke would even bother to try. And he doesn't have to say anything, because Sasuke already knows his choice- had known since coming down here. (_Resolved to win_).

_I am your home_.

_I am_.

…

"_**Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time; effaces all memory of a beginning, all fear of an end," –Germaine De Staei**_

…

_All fear of an end._


	10. Singularity

Dearest Readers,

There is an epilogue to _We Three_ entitled _Singularity_ that can be found as a separate story under my profile. It is not apart of the body of _We Three_ because I felt it too alien from the narrative. It represents the culmination of all that Naruto fears and hopes; a conclusion within an ellipses.

You have my heartfelt thanks for your support, your compliments and criticisms. You have made writing what I consider to be one of my greatest efforts to be a true delight.

Cannibal


End file.
